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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gone ballistic!

172 replies

Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:26

So my daughter just had her 11th birthday, she asked to have her hair cut (was down to her bum, but getting dry and ratty).
In town so decided to let her do it, she chose a style and had it cut below her shoulder. It looks beautiful and she's really happy with it.
Her grandmother saw it (my mum) and blew her top. Saying she didn't want it cut and made my daughter cry.
I told her she was out of order, it's not her hair and not her decision.
She has now blocked me.
So who's being unreasonable?

YABU: you went against the grandmothers wishes, shouldn't have allowed her to cut her hair.
YANBU: your daughter, your choice.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 14/02/2023 21:01

PennyFarthings · 14/02/2023 18:28

I'll go with option 3. Nothing to do with either of you, her hair, her choice.

This.

lovemypuppa · 14/02/2023 21:04

Your mother is at serious risk of losing both her you and her granddaughter behaving in this controlling, emotionally damaging way.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 21:05

What the frig?! Of course YANBU.

Discofish · 14/02/2023 21:18

She sounds unhinged. You're not wondering whether she's having a breakdown and you've not mentioned any recent trauma or bereavement so I'm guessing this is how she normally behaves- I wouldn't want a parent in my life if they treated me and my children like that. Do you think maybe she has narcissistic personality disorder

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 21:55

I clicked you are being unreasonable...because your question is unreasonable. This isn't something you ask who is being unreasonable about if you are a competent adult.

Original poster
Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 22:33

B0g · 14/02/2023 19:44

Do not inflict your abusers on your kids. Your father sat back and allowed the woman to abuse you, so he’s of zero loss.
Start therapy, go on the Stately Homes thread in the relationship section. If you must have contact with either of those people, look up FOG, DARVO and grey rock.
Yes, it’s shit having abusers for parents, but don’t continue the trauma by making your kids be around them.

Unfortunately my dad is abused by her. Physically and emotionally. I do not blame him for not being able to help.
Thank you so much for those, I've started to look at that thread and will look up the other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 22:34

I would like to thank everyone for their comments and support.
This has been very therapeutic.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/02/2023 22:36

Your mother is wildly unreasonable. Your poor Dd. Do some adults just not think of anyone but themselves?

HeyJudeNanananana · 14/02/2023 22:37

Your daughter's choice, no-one else's.

I was never allowed to have my hair cut when I was young. I wanted it cut, and I also wanted a perm but was told no as I had 'lovely curly hair'.

I also wasn't allowed to wear it in a pony tail or grow out my fringe until I insisted when I was mid teens.

I still resent it, you are in the right

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/02/2023 22:42

If your dad is being abused by her, he has the option of leaving. One of the things that gives a parent the strength to leave a relationship is seeing their partner abuse their children, your father didn't do that.

Pity him, but don't minimise his failure to protect you when you were a child.

Oh and I agree with whoever said block her back - when she deigns to unblock you she will get a hell of a rude shock.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 14/02/2023 23:58

Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:33

Yes absolutely I do. But I'm hoping (should we ever have contact again, and right now I am seriously considering cutting all ties) showing her this will make her realise she was way out of line.

Show quote history

Why do you need to show her posts from mumsnet to show she is unreasonable? You’re an adult and you can decide if it’s u reasonable or not and stand your ground.

Sounds like you have a history of being unable to stand up to your mother.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/02/2023 09:32

Couldyounot · 14/02/2023 20:27

Don't bother showing her this. She will never admit to being wrong. Go NC and enjoy the peace.

seconded.

You can meet your dad in coffee shops etc, if she won't let him come to your home.

Don't be bullied or blackmailed by her - it really is remarkably liberating to cut the ties that strangle.

Crackingoldjob · 15/02/2023 19:42

Blimey! Your mum is crackers, it's absolutely got nothing to do with her what your daughter does with her hair. She's 11 and it's her hair. Your mum will have you questioning your sanity about things like this I'd imagine, hence the thread, but you're definitely not the irrational, unreasonable one here.

Emma2023 · 15/02/2023 19:46

I’m pretty sure you know the answer already, totally your daughters choice and you respected and supported her in her choice. Grandmas though huh??? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 15/02/2023 19:47

Technically your daughter’s choice not yours.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 15/02/2023 19:48

I have only read your comments, but I just wanted to say that I do not advise sharing this with your mum.

She would appear to be highly narcissistic, and the likelihood of you sharing the thread is that she will abuse you further.

BreviloquentBastard · 15/02/2023 19:48

Grow up. This post is moronic because you know full well she's being unreasonable, you just want to one up her. You have a responsibility to your daughter to protect her from this bullshit, start thinking about that instead of proving a point to your insane mother.

Act like an adult and block your mother out of your life, stop giving her the attention she's seeking. You don't need to "gotcha" her with a thread from Mumsnet, I'm sure the king himself could enter her home and tell her she's an unreasonable bint and she'd still think she was right.

Stop playing into her stupid mind games, woman up and protect your child. This is petty and pathetic and you're dancing to exactly the beat she wants you to.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:50

AdoraBell · 14/02/2023 20:44

Just read your OP to DH, got halfway through before he said it’s not the grandmother’s business.

YANBU at all. Your DM is being outrageous. Hope your DD enjoys her haircut and your DM calms down and grows up.

Why do posters write things like this? Do the opinions of ‘DH’s carry more weight?

Jumpmom1 · 15/02/2023 19:53

Your mum is batshit.

MamskiBell · 15/02/2023 19:54

I can't even believe you're asking. You obviously know the answer It's nothing to do with your Mam. And to block you? Let her get on with it. She sounds like a nightmare, and incredibly immature. Let he4 craic on.

Januaryisthelongestyear · 15/02/2023 19:55

Yabu - your daughter's hair, so her choice. Nothing to do with you or her grandmother (though you weren't actually unreasonable as you let her have her choice, but you know what I mean!)

HarLace1 · 15/02/2023 20:00

Sorry but your mum is pathetic. Imagine making her cry..control freak!! Whatever u do, don't make amends first!! Show your daughter people cannot behave like this.

ScrollingLeaves · 15/02/2023 20:00

You are not being unreasonable but I am sure your DD’s grandmother was partly upset because of how lovely she thought the long hair was, and partly because she might saw it as symbolising her growing up She may feel her baby girl has gone.

She shouldn’t have said anything but, “Oh how lovely” to your DD though.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 15/02/2023 20:03

Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:49

I absolutely agree. Dd body so it's her choice. The reason I put my choice, is so my mum cannot use it being dd choice as a way to further upset her.
If I say it's my choice then she can only scream at me.

Show quote history

If there is ANY risk at all that she would scream at your daughter, you should have no contact with her at all anyway.

Even if you're willing to put up with being screamed at, for some reason; don't subject your daughter to that. You are teaching her what to put up with in life. You are modeling how to respond to this behaviour from people. Don't teach her that someone screaming at you is ever acceptable.

ImInACage · 15/02/2023 20:10

My grandma was and still is the same. I'm in my early 40s and going through a lot of therapy to try to get over the way my appearance was constantly criticised by her. It did so much damage, that my therapist says I have significant trauma. Almost all of my life choices were affected, I didn't go for certain jobs, I missed out of hobbies, I struggled with friendship and many, many more examples, because my self esteem was so low. Please protect your daughter from your mother.