Emotionally manipulative boss

[JudithChalmersIsMyMum]

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

I'll never know why there are so many posters like this on MN. They are determined to find something that doesn't ring true in every post.

I do know my job very well, I know deep down I'm very good at it, bully boss just puts me down all the time. It's relentless. There is no mystery to this, much as an abuser puts down his/her partner - it doesn't mean that partner is actually shit and awful, they just tell them they are.

Thanks to everyone for the comments, really really helpful.

I am in conversations again with the new employer and hope to accept again before the weekend.

Thanks again.

Don't hope.

Just do it.

What do you mean 'hope to accept'?

Have you said yes to them? What have you actually said to them?

You're lucky they sound very patient. Don't dick them around too much.

Just keep in mind they could also be having these conversations with someone else..... by the time you accept it might be too late.

Why wouldn't you just accept and hand your notice straight in

Do you have family or friends you can discuss this with op?

A partner?

You definitely need help because even likening it to an abusive relationship it shouldn't be this difficult for you to accept the job.

I suggest you reach out for support and also get professional help.

This is a very real situation and one I’m really struggling with. I don’t want to go into the nitty gritty of the conversations I just updated as many have given some really great advice.

If you want to know the reason I haven’t just resigned please read the thread or just my updates.

I have no intention of “dicking” around anyone and never have had.

Bully boss had me standing in the cold until 7pm last night, two hours past my finish and I was trying to get away, saying I needed to get home on at least 3 occasions. This morning he’s refusing to answer work queries and hasn’t spoken to me yet even to say good morning, I’m afraid to even ask. This is the sort of behaviour I need to get away from.

Please try to get the earliest possible start date from the new place and leave the company of this toxic arsehole as soon as humanly possible.

He's making you ill.

You are 100% definitely going to take the new job aren't you? We're all willing you on.

@JudithChalmersIsMyMum kindly, all the more reason to accept. Its literally no reason to stay at all x

OP, you really need to get away from this boss, and here is your chance. You need to take it with both hands!

Honestly you're getting shirty with me?

Your posts are a fucking nightmare

I've read all of them. I've given you lots of advice

And as I've already said. You are essentially an abuse victim refusing to leave their abuser

I get that it's hard. But literally no one has said stay. It's hard to see what choice you have really.

But frankly if I was your new employer I'd be a bit pissed off with you. You said no. They offered again. You're noncommittal. You're dithering instead of being decisive and biting their hand off.

Pp is right. They might be offering this to others. Or maybe they'll see this as a sign you're not that fucking bothered.

Meh.

I was in a similar situation to you for many years; it was horrendous. I’m so angry with myself for putting up with it because it was the easy option.
My confidence was shot and I was always second guessing myself and what my boss was going to do or say. I lost count of the weekends and holidays ruined through worry about going back to work.
My bully boss was totally fizzing with anger when I resigned.
I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to go on to work in a normal environment.

Sincerely, in the kindest possible tone, this man has totally fucked your head.
He is a nasty, manipulative bully and for your own mental health and well being you should not be giving him any more of your time or energy.
Sounds like he is actually getting a kick and thriving on it!
Go on sick, accept the other job and ask for a start date as soon as possible.
If it’s not for you you can easily look for something else but you will be free and well rid of this head fuck.
Good luck

Oh OP this all sounds so stressful.
Take the bull by the horns - at least you will know the grass really IS greener. They called you again. They want you. Remind yourself that: they called you.
And when you speak to them make it clear that you want a thorough onboarding process. And then hand in your resignation, no ifs no butts, just hand it in.

And you still can't decide to take the offer of a new role. This is getting fairly ridiculous now. Not sure what you want out of this if you are going to continue to post but reject a pretty much unanimous agreement in getting the heck out of there

I was in a similar situation four years ago and managed to get out. I mentioned to my new boss on my first day that I'd struggled with my previous CEO due to a personality clash and different approach to work. He was amazing - eased me in gently, and helped me deal with my imposter syndrome. I'm still here four years later on a better salary, better working conditions, and a great pension.

Accept the job. Draft out your resignation letter - keep it brief and to the point, and say that you don't want an exit interview or to discuss it. Just establish your end date, use up all your entitled holiday to get out of there quicker, and shut the door on it without a backward glance. Write down all the things you're good at, read it daily, and it needs to be the only thing you take with you to your new job - no hangups, no regrets, no memories. Wipe the slate clean.

Please go for it Judith. I know it's all very well us strangers egging you on, but we will still be here to support you with any challenges the new job might bring as well as celebrating your escape x

If I were you I would write out the letter now. Leave it on your desk, walk out, block him. Accept the job & enjoy your new life. He doesn't deserve any more than that. Do it now

I’m not shirty with anyone.
I am actively perusing the new job. I can’t and won’t force them and need to wait for them.
If anyone thinks I’m faintly or hugely ridiculous please just disengage from the thread. I think telling me my posts are a fucking nightmare is a bit strong.
My resignation letter is written in the hope it is needed (ie job offer issued again).

Stay in the shitty job you are in then and continue to be 'abused'.

You can walk away from this but it doesn't look like you will so thats on you. This is not an abusive relationship, its job. That you are not obligated to stay in.

People can only do to you what you let them.

@TaRaDeBumDeAy

Is there a reason you're not listening to what the op is saying?

She hasn't actually been offered the other job again yet

She is waiting for them to confirm

Then she will accept and resign

And hopefully get some counselling

@TaRaDeBumDeAy as much as you're not wrong, there's ways of saying things or maybe not saying them at all, to someone who clearly has insanely low self esteem and is making a huge decision in their life.

Are you just wanting a fight? You won’t get it here. If you re read my last post you might rethink yours!
Please disengage from me as I have from you from now.

Frankly it comes across that way

But yes if you can't see how much of a nightmare your posts are you need a lot more help.

Some posters have been blunt. Others not so.

Everyone's saying the same thing though.

The fact this is causing you so much trauma is not normal.

Your posts are suitably ambiguous. You hope to accept. But now it's you have to wait for them. There was a deadline for yesterday but Now it's the weekend.

I could pussy foot around you and say there there if you like. But the fact you still can't say definitively you're taking the job after several days of constant support from people here shows It won't make much difference.

In fact I don't know what you want from this. You've received fucking excellent advice. Your response is to write a pros and cons list?

It is a fucking nightmare.

You never have to go back. Ever. You never have to see him again. Accept the new job, don’t go back to the old one. Let him withhold your pay. It doesn’t matter. Consider it the cost of a clean break. Email your resignation, then block. Do you think you’re strong enough to do that?

If you’re not, just write the email. Then sleep on it. ‘Dear xxxx, please accept this letter as my resignation, with immediate effect. I will not be working any notice period. Yours sincerely, Judith. ‘

thats it. That’s all you need to say.

you can do it. Xx