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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 15/02/2023 15:47

I also say that as somebody with imposter syndrome (to the point where, in my first job

when my boss called me into his office to give me a pay rise I went in to the room heart racing and trying not to visibly shake as I thought I was going to be sacked).

You need to leave the job. The only alternative is not leaving the job, which means you would have to work for that wanker forever. Don't mess about thinking oh I need to build up my self esteem before I leave. You haven't built up your self esteem in that environment so far, so leave the arsehole first and that will instantly put you in a much better position to regain it.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 15/02/2023 15:48

Why have you made a list? There is no question about this.

Accept the job.

Are you in a position to walk out of the other job immediately? Can you negotiate a one off payment upfront to start at the new place that will tide you over?

MarisPiper92 · 15/02/2023 15:51

@AngeloMysterioso I was about to ask the exact same question about the initials, so I suspect you and I worked at the same place!

OP, forget your pros and cons list. Just quit, don't even think about it - just do it. This is one of the rare occasions when you should put faith in strangers on the internet - we can see this objectively, you can't because you're too wrapped up in his abuse.

If you need to, put notes on your phone/fridge/mirror saying things like "No matter how he twists it, I AM leaving". Don't allow yourself to be bullied into staying again. Once you've left, I promise you'll see clearly that it was the right decision.

Mirabai · 15/02/2023 15:57

The pro of not being around a massive arsehole obliterates all the cons.

Christmaspyjamas · 15/02/2023 15:57

Hint:

If the pro column includes item "no longer work for a psychopath"

Then it doesn't really matter what is in the con column

You've had a bunch of support OP. No one can do this for you.

Mirabai · 15/02/2023 15:58

Also - Freedom Programme from abusive exes and bosses.

Maray1967 · 15/02/2023 15:59

Take the new job. Write a letter of resignation and leave it on his desk. If he kicks off, walk out.
This is your chance to get away from this horrible atmosphere - grab it with both hands. Remind yourself that the new company wants you. THEY WANT YOU.
Go for it!

BellaJuno · 15/02/2023 16:04

You are SO close to extricating yourself from a hideous situation, you should 100000% take the new job. Go on OP, you can do it!

SpeckledlyHen · 15/02/2023 16:14

Honestly OP (in the nicest possible way) I want to shake you. The fact that the agent has come back to you and they are still interested in you is literally the helping hand you desperately need to get away from this situation. Just leave and don't look back.

TBOM · 15/02/2023 16:16

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 15/02/2023 14:56

Thanks so much everyone, this is a very helpful thread.

Update: I have to respond to potential new employer today - that's not them putting on pressure, it's more from my POV not wanting to mess them around anymore.

I have a crazy busy day with bully boss and I'm just between meetings. I've done a pros and cons list.

Here's the list: PROS of taking new job, no nasty hyper-critical boss, employer behaving properly, appraisals, more responsibility, more money, no feeling shit regularly. CONS of taking new job: I'm good at what I do and don't have to prove myself, I'd have to prove myself all over again; longer commute; later finish time = longer working day.

You've all been so helpful and I know what I should do, what do you think of the list?

But you're having to prove yourself every day in your current job because that's what your current boss is emotionally manipulating into doing. At least in the new role you'll only have to do that at the beginning, not every single day.

TBOM · 15/02/2023 16:17

And read this. hbr.org/2021/05/how-to-make-friends-with-your-inner-imposter

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 15/02/2023 16:18

Awwww OP

I really sense that you desperately want to make the jump but there's something holding you back

Let us talk you into taking this new opportunity and saying goodbye to your horrible boss

YOU CAN DO IT!

Glittertwins · 15/02/2023 16:19

Bemoreatticus · 15/02/2023 15:01

I don't think any of your cons outweigh the joy of escaping your current situation.

I say this with kindness. You need to stop procrastinating and take a leap of faith.

This several times over.
You wanted to leave as you applied for a role. You've been given a way out of your current misery, just do it Flowers

XmasElf10 · 15/02/2023 16:21

TAKE THE JOB!

I’ve had crippling imposter syndrome. Ignore it and jump… now!

2ndTimeRound90 · 15/02/2023 16:21

Seriously OP, they've come back offering you it again???

What are you waiting for? Take the job! You'd be absolutely crazy not to. It is clearly meant to be, and it is your chance to escape. You will kick yourself later if you stay put.

LoobyDop · 15/02/2023 16:21

Those cons aren’t real.

I'm good at what I do and don't have to prove myself, I'd have to prove myself all over again;
But you’re having to prove yourself every day now, to someone who is never going to respond positively. At least in the new job they’ll be receptive.

longer commute; later finish time = longer working day.
You said you’re working ten hours a day and the boss still calls you all evening. That’s more time and more unpleasant than a slightly longer journey home, isn’t it?

You know that you’re looking for excuses, but this is a perfect opportunity. Don’t let it go by you.

Merangutan · 15/02/2023 16:24

The ONLY way forward here is to take the new opportunity. You’ve been lucky enough to be offered a second chance. Decline it and you are accepting more of the same toxicity from your boss and the longer it goes on the more likely it will be that you don’t even have the courage to attend other interviews. Do you have people in real life you can discuss this with for more perspective?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/02/2023 16:27

Ever heard the phrase "Fake it till you make it?"

They have full confidence that you can do this role. This employer has looked at your record, interviewed you and decided that they really want you enough to ring you again and beg you to take the job.

They will not be like your current boss.
They will actually SUPPORT you in the new role, not consistently undermine, belittle and criticise you, or present tasks with impossible deadlines and no information.

If you find the role difficult at first most employers are happy to discuss it and to solve issues with you. That is what it is like in a normal workplace when your boss is not an emotionally manipulative bully.

They WANT you to succeed in this role. That is their agenda
Your current boss wants to make you feel like you will never succeed and grind you down. That is his agenda and it will only get worse.

Can you see the difference yet?

pp mentioned that longer days are immaterial as your current boss seems to occupy your waking hours with constant messages long after you arrive home.

Why are you doing a pro/cons list on this.
The Pro is you have a second chance to leave the misery of your current situation and you should grab it with both hands. If it is too much for you, you can ask understanding employers for help or find another job. What you wont have to do is spend another moment being bullied by the creep of the year.
This outweighs all the other cons mentioned.
Oh yes. And you can negotiate paid sick leave too.

Hand your typed notice on his desk as you leave tonight. No discussion. Take time off sick and mute his calls.

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 16:41

They WANT you to succeed in this role. That is their agenda. Your current boss wants to make you feel like you will never succeed and grind you down. That is his agenda and it will only get worse.

Absolutely spot on.

Taking this job will be life changing in the best possible way OP.

It's an escape to an environment where they want you so much they've let you know they want YOU.

Please don't give that up.

Your self esteem will never improve in the job you're currently in.

Topbird29 · 15/02/2023 16:46

Take the new job. They obviously believe in you as they offered you the role- now believe in yourself. You have got this!

Minikievs · 15/02/2023 16:51

I hope I'm not too late in answering this.
One of your cons is longer hours. But you're already doing 10 hour days!!! For a HORRIBLE boss that contacts you out of hours.
I bet any money in reality it will be a cut in hours.
PLEASE take the new job

Needtodietnow · 15/02/2023 17:10

Something doesn't seem right here. Yesterday your self esteem was so low that you didn't think you could do the job. Your boss puts you down and makes you feel awful. Today you say you are good at what you do and don't need to prove yourself. Doesn't make sense to me

Weedoormatnomore · 15/02/2023 17:41

Really shocked that your doing a list ! And not just had in your resignation.

ElonsMusky · 15/02/2023 17:46

you hate your boss. Then you get a recruiter to offer you a better job. You then blame your current boss for "emotionally manipulating" you into staying? LOL. Sorry to be harsh but you need to take a bit of responsibility here.

EBearhug · 15/02/2023 21:19

TAKE THE JOB.