Emotionally manipulative boss

[JudithChalmersIsMyMum]

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

Please take the job. I had a job like this once and it was only down to my dad insisting that I could leave that I was strong enough to do it. I resigned and all hell broke loose but I left and never looked back.

go for it, the other company think you’re worth it and so should you 😊

I don't want to be mean but seriously, pull yourself together. Fuck the current boss, you don't have to ask his permission to resign for god's sake. You're not asking him if you can leave, you're telling him you are leaving and that's that.

Go OP - think to yourself “What would Judith do ?” 😂.
Seriously, the question of how to tell the new company you’ve changed your mind is dealt with because they got back to you! They obviously really want you and, in that kind of atmosphere, you will flourish.
A little help from a counsellor or therapist might be a good idea as you’ve obviously been through a traumatic time or have more ingrained issues (or both) but seize this chance with both hands.
Good luck and do update to let us know how you get in!

Thanks so much everyone, this is a very helpful thread.

Update: I have to respond to potential new employer today - that's not them putting on pressure, it's more from my POV not wanting to mess them around anymore.

I have a crazy busy day with bully boss and I'm just between meetings. I've done a pros and cons list.

Here's the list: PROS of taking new job, no nasty hyper-critical boss, employer behaving properly, appraisals, more responsibility, more money, no feeling shit regularly. CONS of taking new job: I'm good at what I do and don't have to prove myself, I'd have to prove myself all over again; longer commute; later finish time = longer working day.

You've all been so helpful and I know what I should do, what do you think of the list?

Add to your list: you spend a lot of time at work and have one life - don’t spend it working for a total fucking arsehole. Then resign and take the next step. Good luck - really feel for you.

I don't think any of your cons outweigh the joy of escaping your current situation.

I say this with kindness. You need to stop procrastinating and take a leap of faith.

I think you should probably go with the new job?

I feel almost like you're trying to talk yourself out of it right now.

I think you can scrub out the longer working day as your boss regularly contacts you outside of office hours.

This isn’t a pros and cons thing. This is a saving yourself. Put yourself first by getting away from this narcissist.

Take it! Take it! Take it!

I’d flip that first “con” round: you’re good at what you do and this is a great opportunity to translate this to a different setting and broaden experience - they already want you.

Commute - that’s something you’ll get used to. And if not, you can look again, because hopefully this experience has shown you that you’re in demand and other employers will be interested in what you can offer.

Good luck!

Go for it. I'd take a longer commute over being bullied and unhappy any day

Why on earth are you doing a pros and cons list?

Pro, you get to leave your awful boss. Surely that's the only one you need.

Go for it OP! You can do it!

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TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT. Your life will be so different without that twat in it.

Take the new job. I was in a similar position of working for a narcissist who drained very bit of my self worth. I took a new job late last year and my entire life has changed. I’m no longer depressed, anxious, constantly working. I’ve lost almost 3 stone and am feeling great. I just wish I’d got out sooner.

So on your cons - having to prove yourself again, you already have to a certain extenwhich is why you've been offered the job. You're halfway there already, so be confident. On commute and finish time, to me these are very minor points and presumably you applied for the job in the first place knowing this, so it isn't such a big deal for you? In my experience a great boss is worth putting up with lots of other negatives - and other than the longer day all I can see on your list are positives. Just accept the job. You only have one life. We always regret the chances we didn't take rather than the ones we did.

You recognise that you are in an abusive situation at your current workplace. None of the cons outweigh the pro of getting out. Take the new job!

Honestly. I don't know why you did the list?

The current job is destroying your mental health

Why on earth would you stay?

This thread is so frustrating. It's not even LIKE talking to an abuse victim who won't leave her abuser. It IS talking to an abuse victim who won't leave her abuser.

If you don't leave now frankly you never will.

Seriously get some therapy though whatever you do.

Burn the cons list, take the job.

If each of your pros were worth 1 point, and each of your cons worth 1 point, you need to rewrite the list and make the arsehole of a boss 1,000 points.

Getting away from that nasty bastard is the ONLY reason you need to write down.

Get some counselling ASAP too.

Best of luck.

Do NOT tell him where you are going.

He's unhinged.

Ring 101 if he is aggressive.

Work the very least notice possible.

Get away asap.

Honestly, your cons list sounds wishy-washy and doesn't come close to outweighing the pros of taking the new job. Your boss has proven himself to be a bully again and again - why would you slam the door closed on your exit route??

I say this as someone with crippling imposter syndrome and anxiety, by the way. I understand how you are feeling (my last boss was so horrendous I would frequently cry in the toilets, and I left a permanent job for a fixed-term contract just to get away from her) but surely the new employer coming back to offer the job again shows that you deserve this opportunity?

OP i was taught something years ago which helps in decision making when you have pros and cons and you just can't decide. I have used it whenever I have switched jobs, so has my DH and so has my Mum when she weighed up retirement.

All the things you just listed, you write them down in a list and score them out 10 for how important they are to you. So nasty boss I'd score 10 as its extremely important to me. Money I'd score maybe 8 if I was already relatively happy on my salary. Commute I'd score 7 as its quite important but not as important as the nasty boss. If I listed something like the office being lovely I'd score it 0 of importance as its not important.

Once you have this list, now score both options out of 10 for each role, 0 being negative and 10 being positive. So I'd score current job as 0 for nasty boss, new job as 10 for nasty boss. I'd score commute at current job as 10 (because its fine), and new job 3 (because its longer but not too bad).

Hopefully you're still with me 🤣

Now multiply importance by scoring in new and old jobs. You'll get an overall score that tells you which you should go for based on everything you're weighing up by importance to you! Honestly it works.

"What do you think of the list?"

I think you should wang it in the bin, fire off your resignation letter and go full heartedly for the new job. The only regrets I've had over leaving jobs were that I didn't leave soon enough. Leave that job like you're leaving a burning building -like the old ad used to say

" Get out. Get the fire brigade (therapist) out. And stay out"

Agree with this and I was going to say the same thing. If your current boss is emailing/texting and messaging all evening then surely that is still working? I would go for the new job with a slightly longer day and get my evenings back if I were you.

They headhunted you for a reason. Lots of people feel like you do about not being capable. It is called imposter syndrome. Please at least try and call the potential new employer back - you never know they might still be willing to offer you the job.