Emotionally manipulative boss

[JudithChalmersIsMyMum]

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

@dontputitthere thank you for your blunt advice.

Perhaps you don’t understand the ball is not currently in my court. I have done all I can and now wait. It’s not the weekend where I am, it’s still Thursday lunchtime.

You know being unkind and dressing it up is still unkind but you’re a stranger on the Internet so it doesn’t matter. I hope you’re nicer in real life.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick it's because you've been unclear. I'm beginning to wonder if that was deliberate

Fuck me. You think I'm being unkind? I've been here for days offering you help. But my main advice remains to seek therapy.

If it makes you feel better to play victim with me too as well as your boss that's fine. That seems to be your default

No one here has been out to get you. Everyone has supported you.

I'm perfectly kind thanks! Even to people on here. Most people are more appreciative though I have to say!

It sounds like OP is waiting for the job offer to be reissued formally and has drafted her resignation in preparation for this.

So there's nothing she can do right now nor do ridiculous statements such as "you can hand your notice in and never see him again" help because most likely she can't and she will need a reference.

It's never helpful to goad or pressurise someone who came to ask for support.

Thank you!

I do appreciate all comments but it’s good to see that I’ve obviously not been that unclear as most can understand what I’ve said.

I think there’s enough unpleasantness flying around my real life and I don’t need to engage with it on here also so I won’t be responding to the negative stuff.

No I'm not trying to goad her. But frankly that spiritedness in the form of spikeiness is the only sign of energy from her otherwise she's in victim mode

If she wants to think that then that's up to her.

She's had pages and pages of people telling her what to do and she couldn't actually come back and say she'd accepted the other job? Instead she moans about how she's been kept out in the cold for hours on end when she should have left work?

@JudithChalmersIsMyMum I think it's just that the language you have used feels quite wishy washy e.g. I hope to accept it, or when everyone has said take the job instead of saying 'yes I will' you came back with a pros and cons list. It feels like you're agonising over this when to everyone else it's incredibly clear what you need to do. That's I think why some other posters are getting frustrated. But I totally understand that this does feel hard for you because you are responding emotionally to the behaviours your boss has exhibited (ie you are beaten down, so instead of just saying 'I'm taking the job, see you later' it all feels very stressful). I know it must be horrible to hear people saying your posts are a nightmare etc which I don't feel is phrased kindly, but I do think those posters also are hoping for the best for you and trying to help you get that outcome. Here's hoping the new employer call you back and you're on the fast track out of your old job. As PPs have said you will look back on this and think you were crazy to have agonised so much over the decision, but it's hard when you're in the thick of things to see that.

One of the most frustrating threads I have ever read

Also of course it is always easier to see what someone else should do than what you should do yourself. I do think, once feeling stronger and away from this boss, some kind of counselling might help you, especially if your boss is able to bulky you so much you will decide against resigning when you'd already started the process. Though perhaps just a new job and new environment will clear your head perfectly.

Tell me about it...!

@OhwhyOY the op hasn't just used wishy washer language. She's deliberately avoided questions

I wasn't the only one to assume she hadn't taken the offer when she said she'd written a sodding pros and cons list. Loads of people said that. She could have corrected us. But she didn't.

I asked her directly what did she mean by 'hoped to accept'. And again instead of just answering the question she got snarky and said to read the whole thread.

I honestly think she's doing it deliberately.

There’s some tough love (if we’re being charitable in our interpretation) being dished out for OP today.

That said, once the new job is signed, sealed, delivered and hers, I think there’s a strong case for a dignified yet ‘fuck you’-ish exit from her current workplace. Because that would be a valuable learning experience.

OP I really think you need to leave this job either way, you need to get away from this toxic boss. If you aren't offered this job you need to get another. Please don't stay another day there.

He’s plainly miserable and will not be happy until you’re completely broken. Plan to leave as soon as possible, whether it’s the current job offer or for your own wellbeing.

I know it’s not easy. Look after yourself; you are stronger than you think. Don’t let anyone take that away from you

Such a lovely diplomatic response to cool the tension😊.
Hope you get things sorted OP💐

@dontputitthere if it’s such a fucking nightmare for you and so frustrating why don’t you stop posting and give someone else some of your advice who actually wants it??

Ive repeated myself more than enough times that I am still waiting for a job offer and when and if I get it I will resign. How much clearer do you want it?

As for the others who find my situation frustrating - ditto.

Tough love is great, thanks, but I don’t know what else I can say? Perhaps I’ve blown it - probably have as they haven’t come back. I’ll need to recalibrate and find something else.

Kicking someone when they are so clearly already at rock bottom is neither kind nor helpful so don’t kid yourself.

Oh and to answer your question and risk repeating myself AGAIN, they have not offered again, I went back to them explained some of the situation (I don’t want to go into the nitty gritty) and am awaiting a response.

If you’re going to keep putting the boot in, please don’t.

I have given up offering you advice. I'm just replying to some other people on the thread.

You say repeating yourself. You weren't clear. I asked you specifically what you meant and you got in a huff and refused to answer. What are people supposed to think.

It's not tough love. I gave you loads of advice. But people get frustrated when their help is seemingly ignored

Which is why I asked you what you wanted from the thread. You had tonnes of support. Yet there you were making a fucking pros and cons list.

Now I'm only replying because you've @ me. Before anyone accuses me (probably you) of being goady.

Otherwise I have no intention of replying to you.

You sound like a very self conscious and smart woman, why are you putting up with this BS?

Well at the risk of explaining myself AGAIN you weren't clear. It must have been obvious from all the posters asking why you hadn't taken the job?

Why the pros and cons list if you'd said to them you'd take the job?

But whatever you do you

For everyone saying OP wasn't clear, this post quite a few posts ago states she went back to them and was back in conversations with them. In fairness it didn't say if the ball was in her court or theirs, but reading further on it obviously meant the ball is back with them. I dont think OP needs to be getting such a hard time all of a sudden. She has listened to everyone's advice and is awaiting a (hopeful) new job offer.
Thanks to everyone for the comments, really really helpful.I am in conversations again with the new employer and hope to accept again before the weekend.Thanks again.

What a difficult situation for you, OP.

Can you start working on getting access to therapy? Your boss sounds like an absolute dickhead and that's on him, but you should have the confidence to walk away when you have another job offer instead of staying to be pushed around. For your own protection and future happiness, you need to work on changing this about yourself ... as you can't change that your boss is a dickhead (but you can sure as hell get far away from him! Hooray!).

Just think of how much better your life is going to be without dickhead boss grinding you down, AND when you develop the self-confidence to take care of yourself when such situations arise in the future.

It might feel hopeless now, but just try to move forward with this. As you know from your experience in an abusive relationship ... it's like sitting behind the wheel of a car, but you can't drive away, because some arsehole is out there sucking the petrol out of your tank. For people who haven't been through it, it's hard to understand. But it absolutely is possible for you to gain the skills and confidence to break out of these situations. But you need to take steps on that.

Just for the avoidance of any doubt whatsoever I’ve not been “in a huff” for about 25 years.

To all those who’ve given great advice and been super supportive (99%) THANK YOU!

I have just taken a call, they still want me, I’m so pleased. I have accepted verbally will follow up in writing.

I will prepare my drafted resignation into the finished article this evening and send tomorrow. I trust new company to follow through with contract, etc.

Thanks to the advice on here there will be no discussion. Just plain old fact. I cannot wait to be free! Notice will be tough but I know I’m on the way out.

Oh amazing OP! Congrats on your new job, here's to your future 💫

Congratulations! I'm made up for you 😊

Remember, your resignation is not a discussion it's a fact! Stay strong

I am delighted. Well played!!!

DELIGHTED for you! The best update 💕 you'll never look back. If there's a way you can spend your notice without payment just don't go back 😀