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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

338 replies

Wantanotherandanother · 14/02/2023 12:05

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:07

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:03

Ugh I hate it when these threads come up because of the way people respond.
YANBU OP.
Don’t let people tell you his needs trump yours, or it’s your responsibility to make the sacrifice to keep the family together.

Your responsibility alone I should say

fitzwilliamdarcy · 15/02/2023 19:09

@Tandora His needs DO trump hers. The alternative is people being coerced to have kids they don’t want!

Blueink · 15/02/2023 19:11

I don’t think either of u ABU, but in that case you need to consider what’s most important, if you want another child giving up the family life you have now with DH and DS.

You have quite a bit of an age gap and he already has 3 older children, so his view is not all that surprising.

A 2nd DC may not have actually happened even if you had both really wanted one.

Why do u think DH has deceived you, versus the reality of being 48 & day to day life with your 2 year old?

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:13

fitzwilliamdarcy · 15/02/2023 19:09

@Tandora His needs DO trump hers. The alternative is people being coerced to have kids they don’t want!

Exactly. I cannot understand some of the viewpoints on here.

The parent who wants no more children totally trumps the other. If the other person decides to leave their partner over it, that’s on them. But you simply cannot force someone to have another child. That is totally fucked.

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:23

fitzwilliamdarcy · 15/02/2023 19:09

@Tandora His needs DO trump hers. The alternative is people being coerced to have kids they don’t want!

No they don’t , and no it doesn’t. He doesn’t have to have kids with her. Like her, he has to decide what comes first : his needs or the needs of his partner/ the relationship/ their family .

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:26

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:13

Exactly. I cannot understand some of the viewpoints on here.

The parent who wants no more children totally trumps the other. If the other person decides to leave their partner over it, that’s on them. But you simply cannot force someone to have another child. That is totally fucked.

Show quote history

You can’t force another person to have another child, you can’t force another person not to have another child.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 15/02/2023 19:26

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:23

No they don’t , and no it doesn’t. He doesn’t have to have kids with her. Like her, he has to decide what comes first : his needs or the needs of his partner/ the relationship/ their family .

Show quote history

That’s coercion.

taxpayer1 · 15/02/2023 19:26

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:23

No they don’t , and no it doesn’t. He doesn’t have to have kids with her. Like her, he has to decide what comes first : his needs or the needs of his partner/ the relationship/ their family .

Show quote history

Ridiculous.

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:27

fitzwilliamdarcy · 15/02/2023 19:26

That’s coercion.

Show quote history

but then the opposite is also coercion. One is no more or less coercive than the other.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 19:28

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:27

but then the opposite is also coercion. One is no more or less coercive than the other.

Show quote history

No, somebody refusing to reproduce with you is not coercion.

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:30

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 19:28

No, somebody refusing to reproduce with you is not coercion.

Show quote history

No of course it isn’t. That’s not what I said

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 19:32

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:30

No of course it isn’t. That’s not what I said

Show quote history

Then what is it you're describing as coercive?

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:39

What I’m trying to say is he can decide he doesn’t want children and accept the relationship is over.

In the same way that she can decide that she wants more children and accept the relationship is over.

Neither bears more responsibility for ending the marriage than the other. No one is better or worse ,
or more or less coercive, than the other. No one’s needs take more or less priority than the other. If one is an ultimatum, then the opposite is its equal ultimatum.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 19:54

I agree with some of that, but in this situation one person's needs absolutely take priority over the other. It's those of the person who doesn't want another baby together.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:56

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:26

You can’t force another person to have another child, you can’t force another person not to have another child.

Show quote history

No one is forcing her to not have another child. What’s the matter with you? If she wants to leave and have a kid with someone else, that’s her lookout. But you cannot force someone to parent a child. It is wrong.

TaxiFor1 · 15/02/2023 19:56

No advice sorry, but I totally get where your coming from. I'm 37 this year and DH will be 46, we have a 4yr old. We always both said we would try for 2 children and I really thought by now we would have at least started trying. We've spoke about it and financially it would be a squeeze with childcare but still managble. Sometimes having another baby is all I think about and at times I physically feel pain with the thought of never having another baby but then other times I don't even think about it. It's a very strange feeling but I guess only time will tell.

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:59

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 19:54

I agree with some of that, but in this situation one person's needs absolutely take priority over the other. It's those of the person who doesn't want another baby together.

Why though? Why is the need not to have a child seen as more significant than the need to have a child? I feel like this is a very “western” way of thinking.

joles12 · 15/02/2023 20:00

You are not being unreasonable to want another child but neither is DH to feel like it was hard work and he’s done. One thing worth adding into the discussions might be the longer term implications for him of an “only” child vs 2. In reality the gap between his first three and your little one make them tantamount to an only - who as they get older will need more and more of your/ his time to play with / occupy them - as opposed to having two who can play with each other - inside / outside / on holiday etc. Is your DH up for being the entertainer for the next 9 years ?

Tandora · 15/02/2023 20:01

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:56

No one is forcing her to not have another child. What’s the matter with you? If she wants to leave and have a kid with someone else, that’s her lookout. But you cannot force someone to parent a child. It is wrong.

Show quote history

No one’s forcing him to parent another child. If he wants to leave and find another woman who doesn’t want any more babies that’s his lookout!

abilouhardy · 15/02/2023 20:02

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:03

Ugh I hate it when these threads come up because of the way people respond.
YANBU OP.
Don’t let people tell you his needs trump yours, or it’s your responsibility to make the sacrifice to keep the family together.

I am glad to see someone else with announce of understanding. Agreed.

whumpthereitis · 15/02/2023 20:03

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:59

Why though? Why is the need not to have a child seen as more significant than the need to have a child? I feel like this is a very “western” way of thinking.

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Presumably because not having a child can be a problem for two people, whereas having an unwanted child/den has an impact on at least three.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2023 20:03

What did you honestly think would happen when you got together with an older man who already had 3 kids? There's no at I'd want a baby at 48.

bossyrossy · 15/02/2023 20:05

Is he a good father to your baby? If he is, then you should seriously consider the effect it would have on your two year old to deprive him/her of a loving and caring parent.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 15/02/2023 20:08

Tandora · 15/02/2023 19:59

Why though? Why is the need not to have a child seen as more significant than the need to have a child? I feel like this is a very “western” way of thinking.

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It's a very 'consent' way of thinking. Because for starters, you can't make someone have unprotected PIV with you so a child they don't want can be conceived. Well you can, but it's generally considered unethical. Should a child be conceived anyway, the situation changes, but it's not like one person can do anything if the other chooses to get sterilised/vasectomy or refuse sex without condoms. It's all very well having an abstract discussion about the right to reproduce with someone else, but reality is going to bite quite hard if they don't wish to cooperate.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 20:15

Tandora · 15/02/2023 20:01

No one’s forcing him to parent another child. If he wants to leave and find another woman who doesn’t want any more babies that’s his lookout!

Show quote history

I can’t work out if you’re being wilfully obtuse or not. I hope it’s wilful. Otherwise…