Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

@Tandora what would you say if it was the woman who didn’t want another but the man did? What do you think should happen in that scenario?

You already have four children OP, You are step mother to his older three. It does not feel as if they are particularly valued in this scenario. Personally, I would focus positively on what you have and enjoy them rather than choosing to make them all victims of a divorce.

Nobody is forcing her to have no more children. She’s just not entitled to have one with him. She has no right to his sperm.

If that means they separate then they separate that’s her choice if she wishes to leave to chase a second child.

If this marriage is his forever marriage which I’m assuming of course it is, I think he should compromise and have second baby with you. He’s already got 3 previous and he got to have that experience but you haven’t, so it’s unfair on you. Why can’t he do this. He should have thought about his age when he agreed on two or more with you a few years ago.

The OP said they didn't discuss a number.

“He doesn’t owe her children because he married a younger woman. He knew he was marring a younger woman, yes, but equally she knew she was marrying an older man that already had children.”

you have entirely missed my point.
some things are more nuanced than the weight of what one person wants over another. Really. There aren’t blanket rules and there aren’t simple answers where someone’s desires for their whole life are concerned.
a baby ache is real and a little person is real, beyond being “another baby”, which is abstract. And the balance in relationships can also be nuanced. At the end of the day - he is making as much of a big decision for his family as OP is by his refusal. Sibling relationships are really quite important - especially in “blended” families where a little one could be left feeling isolated in his or her experience, or as if there is no solid “hundred percent” family around them.

That’s not a compromise though, is it?

She’s a grown woman that also knew his age and the number of children he already had. It’s not his duty to provide her with more children. Ones he doesn’t want.

You left out the rest of her sentence that she always hoped for at least two or more when she discussed children with him, as in they didn’t talk about a specific number but she apparently was clear with him that she wanted more than one.

it’s never been a secret as the rest of her post demonstrates.

Arg! Here we go. The make versus female experience here really is different! Yes, that scenario would also be a head scratcher worth a thread BUT 1) totally hypothetical and 2) really unhelpful! Because it is NOT comparable. Men and women ARE different and carrying a baby as a woman is totally different to fathering a child. Yes both valid situations but also not at all comparable. Don’t even go there. These days we have to pretend like men and women are totally equivalent blah blah blah bollox.

Except it’s not nuanced in this instance, is it? He’s not said he’s unsure of having more children, he’s said he doesn’t want more. That’s blanket.

He’s happy with the status quo, whereas OP wants to add a member, or potentially leave. The latter is certainly more of an upheaval than the former.

sibling relationships are not the be all and end all of a family relationship. It’s also not necessarily the primary concern. Not having a sibling is not ostensibly worse for a child than being an only child, or having your family break apart. In fact, it’s arguably better.

I think this man has been very selfish. As the OP said, he knew she wanted children, plural. He should have been honest from the start, but probably wasn’t being he didn’t want to frighten off his young love. You deserve better treatment than this, OP. Good luck.

A lot of women just see men as walking sperm providers, honestly.

It’s not “more nuanced” and “totally different” when the sexes are reversed. Y’all just think that what a woman says about babies goes, and men have to fall in line.

It’s sick.

It's all very well and good saying he's selfish and he knew she wanted multiple children, for all we know he did want multiple children with OP but the reality of a newborn at 48 can be quite sobering, the fact is he has 4 kids, deciding that adding a 5th isn't something he wants is perfectly acceptable. Of course it's sad for the OP and she is entitled to be upset and even to consider if this is a deal breaker for her but he is allowed to change his mind. That doesn't make him a villain or wrong.

I don’t think men and women are the same when it comes to bearing children, but the argument is valid. Once the child is born, both would be equal parents.

And that is not something you can force on a person. Women are not more entitled in this scenario. Women don’t get the casting vote just because they bear the pregnancy. And I am the last person to holler about ‘men’s rights’ 🤢

If one person doesn’t want a child that is it. End of discussion. If that is a deal breaker, the other parents is free to do as they see fit.

I think some posters are looking at this through their own experiences and feelings and it’s clouding their judgement of it.

This is not about one parent preventing the other from having a child, it’s about one parent not being entitled to force the other to have a child.

People who are suggesting the OPs partner should have another child for her really need to give their heads a wobble. No child should be brought into this situation where one parent is unwilling. Why would anyone choose to do that to a child?

No she does not, let's not start that nonsense. She should be considered like any other mother of one who wanted more than one.

@aSofaNearYou Err no, not if her wanting more than one is going to lead to splitting up the family. Then the children should be the first priority, not mum’s desire to have more kids.

Exactly.

The physical differences and how they relate to the issue of consent would be relevant if OP were already pregnant and they disagreed over whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. They just don't affect the issue of consent or right of either partner to refuse to have another child before then.

That wasn't my point. My point is she isn't a mum of four, she's a mum of one.

A mum of four wanting another is very different to a mum of one wanting more.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I can see his side with now having 4 chn and being older. You still have time. I feel like men always do this to women and just expect them to be fine with it as if what they say is what goes and that's it. I think he is being really selfish. Just weigh up what you value most in life, the family unit you have currently or having more children. If you would rather split and have more children you have the right to do so although there's no guarantee you will have more unless you go for a sperm donor situation. Good luck ❤

Urgh it's not selfish to change your mind about wanting another child, it's more selfish to bring a child into this world knowing that the other parent doesn't want them surely?

Whatever, I hope you make the correct decision for you OP but honestly, don't try and pressure someone who doesn't want a potential child into having them. Leave if you feel this is a deal breaker, stay if you think you can eventually move past it. It's shit for you but something you probably could of seen coming if you hadn't discussed a number, knew your partner was in his mid to late 40s even with the first one and who already had 3 older children. Sorry to be blunt but it wasn't outside the realm of possibility.

I can only give a response on my personal situation. My ex also had a child previously. I had our child in my late 30s feel I should have been more savvy about limitations age wise. Lost 3 subsequent pregnancies due to leaving it too late. My ex compliant but not so bothered. I’m sad all the time that my child didn’t get the experience of growing up with a sibling. It affected our relationship and we eventually split largely because we went through a lot of grief. For your marriage his previous children affect his position but that’s not you and partner together family. I would insist on your position because it affects the child you have together. For the partner yes they feel enough but we have these feelings of overwhelm with a baby but the future for you and immediate family is an important new family. If you cave in to partners feelings you will lose the chance for your new family. Together with your partner and child. That’s the now and the future.

I did not imply men “have to fall in line” at all. My point is it is not a comparable discussion. If a bloke came on here wanting kids and his missis didn’t, he’d be in a tough situation and I hope he would be shown understanding and support same as OP is looking for. It is not a case of “it is different for men and therefore I am a man hater/men are spent donors”. If you look at my first response to OP I made the point that I reckon the relationship is the main thing here - that they need to listen empathically to each other - they are married. Who knows, after having a real heart to heart maybe OP would change her mind, feeling better for that intimacy and honesty. Right now she wants something badly and feels she hasn’t been fairly heard or understood. This is a relationship issue and the onus lies with both parties to be adults who love each other and can talk honestly.

I also think here there is an assumption amongst those who are saying OP IS BU that those who say she isn’t are also inferring DH should shut up and put up. I personally have at no stage said he should be forced to father a child against his will for her sake - not a bit of it. I opine that her need is real and she needs to sort this out with DH. If after having a proper grown up chat together he feels the same and she does too, they may need to go their separate ways to avoid a marriage where one spouse spends the rest of it feeling slightly bitter; for a child to grow up in that would be terrible, agreed - so I think a child growing up unwanted by one partner would be awful and no should not happen, but for the child they already have to grow up in an environment where the relationship has become embittered or passively acrimonious is also very damaging. I do not advocate that OP has a child with her hubby whether he likes it or not - I advocate better communication and total honesty followed by doing what is most important - following through with what turn out to be the actual priorities. That might be separating because OP really needs that baby, or it might be clearing the air and settling happily with their one.

those are my thoughts, but I think it is important for OP to be validated, and also, from what I gather of this unique situation, to point out that it sounds a little as if DH has been abrupt in his delivery of a verdict and isn’t making the effort to be understanding and supportive of OP, even if he doesn’t want to change his mind.

this is about the relationship - and whether OP stays or goes. Shutting up, appreciating his position, shutting down her own desires and carrying on in the marriage regardless is a recipe for every person in the family to end up damaged by it all.

It’s incredibly difficult when you want more children and for any reason can’t.
My husband had fertility issues and we were incredibly lucky to have our daughter. He decided he didn’t want to try IVF, so we stayed at 1 child… I’m in my 40’s now, we’ve recently split & part of me does wish I hadn’t allowed him to stop me trying for a 2nd…. However my daughter and I couldn’t be closer… and it’s too late now to have another anyway….
I think marrying a man so much older who already had 3 children meant that for him at least 1 more with you was probably always his limit..
Talk to him, tell him you’d always hoped for another so your son had a sibling. Ultimately though if he’s almost 50 I don’t really blame him… no one wants teenagers at 65