Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

Thankyou, yes this is the point I was making.

There’s always one. Why do you think this is OK?

How old are your twins? How does he think they'll feel growing up with a dad who constantly goes on about how he didn't want them?

We agreed two then stop, then like you had twins second time. If be livid if he kept going on and on about how he didn't actually want them all

She was using rhetorical questions to make her point which is that there isn't logic to this stuff, there isn't a REASON to have X no. of children, but that doesn't take away the pain. No one needs kids, that doesn't make not being able to have them easier to bear.

@SleepingStandingUp they’re nearly 11. He complains to me about it, not in front of them. They know they are very much loved!

This is where a large age difference matters,you have the energy for more and feel like youre only starting your family,hes nearly 50 with 4 kids,one being a toddler. I can see why hes done. He probably feels like hes too old for the sleepness nights. You cant force him to have more so I guess the question is can you just be happy with one or is it worth breaking up your marriage to pursue more kids with someone else which could see you into your 40s and is that too late for you?

I wouldn’t have had anymore at his age with your first child let alone 2 or 3. He’ll be in his 60’s with a teen/teens. I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m 63 and the very idea of having to grapple mentally, emotionally and even physically (all the ferrying around, picking them up late etc) with a stroppy 15-year-old (most are to a greater or lesser extent) at this age makes me want to curl up and hide.

I can only think how precious sibling relationships can be, thinking about your existing dc, not the much older half siblings. I'm guessing they don't live with you? Also the fact that the ache won't go away. Probably not that helpful but I feel your pain, op

Wow. There’s a whole lotta opinion here. I am hesitant to Wade in, but maybe have something to offer. There is a lot of simply stating stuff as fact that perhaps isn’t?

firstly, the assumption continually on mumsnet that being older equates to being too tired to have more kids. Although OP mentions age, she doesn’t say her DH has said he’s too tired for more - just that he doesn’t want more. If he was her age, would people opine differently? He went into marriage with an age gap - if we are talking biology, I feel he needs to be understanding that he has married a woman much younger who will have that biology going on. Give and take. But if we leave the age thing alone, maybe just look at the situation. Of course, you cannot force someone to have a child and neither should you. However, I do NOT think ignoring that ache forever is necessarily a good idea. Yes the ache may never go away, but with two kids you’d feel a little better about the ache. I think the real point is the relationship. I feel it would be good for your DH to be able to understand your need and perspective - it sounds a bit as though he has shut you down without much empathy. He’s got himself a nice young wife willing to take on a man with three teenagers and he’s still calling the family shots. How much does he love you if you two cannot talk empathically to each other?
I am a mum of five and am that woman who will never be done. I had my youngest (5 months old now) at 41 and my eldest when I was 28. I felt better pregnant at 41 than I did at 28 and find parenting now so much better - I am more chilled and experienced - have better energy and am looking forward to the future more- but my first was so difficult - she’s autistic with other special needs and we didn’t know and i was never going to have any more! Number two was six years later and I loved it so much we just carried on. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and she has three kids of her own - so he’s a grandad as well as a daddy and his grandkids have aunties and an uncle younger than them. (He was a teenage parent, he’s in his forties as I am, so no age gap, but we aren’t spring chickens.)

having a special needs teenager and a bunch of other little ones is not easy at all, but it is life giving and we adore them all and it kind of keeps us going, even in the hard times.

My point is - it’s not always as straight forward as “he’s too old, you will be too old, baby care is hard” - imho, babies are easy!! I love babies! Try sleepless autistic teens with OCD and mental health needs! Babies are a doddle. I’m being facetious but I think there are more perspectives than age, amount of kids, blah blah. This is about the love between two people and the ache for a baby, which I know all too well. Try to talk properly to each other and find out the basis that you got married on - maybe that needs exploring.
good luck.

and for the record, all the grumpy oldies on here who couldn’t bear to have young kids in your forties and fifties - fair enough. I get it. My siblings are mostly of that opinion. But not everyone feels that way. Some people can thrive on that and provide a wonderful home for their young kids.

I don't blame him. He may have realised that he physically can't cope with another. Babies are such hard work and at almost 50, a huge strain. Maybe he didn't realise how hard it would be until this baby came along?

Awwww hugs OP, I feel so sorry for you and sympathise with how you feel. 💐 I also sympathise with your husband. Having siblings is one of life's great joys (they are your oldest friends) and I can also understand how the thought of another baby is completely daunting for your husband.

I would suggest couple's counselling to help you both really see and understand the other person's perspective. It may be a case that neither one of you will be truly happy with what you decide and it's important to talk all of this out with a trained therapist so you can hopefully work on a decision together.

I wish you well xx

It is that straightforward those, when those are his feelings on the matter. The hard times may be worth it for you, but he doesn’t want to have to go through that with young children again, and that’s fair enough.

He doesn’t owe her children because he married a younger woman. He knew he was marring a younger woman, yes, but equally she knew she was marrying an older man that already had children.

He already had 3 kids so the time to discuss this was BEFORE making the decision to get married and having a baby.

So you either

1. Stick with one, and accept that he doesn't want any more. or
2. Leave him, and perhaps you'll meet someone else to have a relationship/baby with. You're only 35 so it's not too late at all, but no guarantee you'll meet someone.

Or not do what someone I know did and forget to take her pill then deliberately get pregnant, even though her husband had made it clear from the outset that he didn't want any more kids as he already had two from a first marriage.

Decisions decisions...

I agree with everyone else, he's late 40s with 3 kids allready, even one more would be pushing it, can't blame him for not wanting 5

Trade him in for a younger model and have more kids with someone else.

I have to be honest, up until recently I was feeling incredibly broody and maybe up til 6 months ago hubby was willing to just go for it and see if pregnancy arrived. But now, we’re both in the “no more” camp. Hubby is 49 and I’m 45. Yes our ages do kind of make our situation different to yours BUT did you not think that maybe marrying someone so much older than you, that this might actually happen? Of course there are plenty of marriages with big age gaps that work well, but I can also understand why your hubby doesn’t want anymore. They’re hard work at the best of times and I personally feel that if you want to stay with him, you need to make your peace with his decision. Think about it logically, he has less than 20 years til he retires and very probably wants to enjoy that retirement peacefully. It’s up to you to decide if you can move past this or not as he’s already made his feelings quite clear. Big hugs xx

At her age the chances of her finding someone, realising she wants to spend her life and have children with them, and then have said children, is very slim.

So she would be breaking up her family for no good reason.

He's made his feelings clear and he is entitled to them. His only 'wrong' was not telling you his decision as soon as he realized he didn't want another child, assuming he knew you wanted one 'at some point'. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to want a child. I had my last at 34 and if DH had told me at age, say, 40 (let alone 48) that he wanted to have another I would have refused flat out. And IMHO not having a child trumps having a child.

So your decision is this; stay and be happy with the child you have or leave and try to find someone to have another child with or do it on your own.

100% agree, but time and time again child free women will have kids with older men who are divorced with multiple kids and then be surprised they don't want any more kids when they said that they would

He is pushing 50, of course he isn’t keen, he has 4 kids already! I am the same age as there is no way I would consider having a baby either. You have a big age gap and it shows.

I would stick with one child and be glad in future years, as children become teens and he will be a pensioner by then.

I’m early 40s with a preteen

I have separated from his dad but the thought of having a teenager when I’m in my 60s is something I just do not wish to consider - and that’s me being very very broody

I don't think either of you are unreasonable but I guess I would have had to conversation about the number of children before going fully into the relationship. I dont thinks it's unsurprising that he wants one baby at nearly 50.

I had a similar situation, my husband has two kids from his first marriage, we went on to have a daughter together, they are all five years apart and there is a ten year age gap between us.

I would have loved more children but after DD was born, DH couldn’t contemplate coping with a fourth child, his rationale was that all children need something individually from you as a parent and he found it difficult being spread across three, never mind four.

I get it, it was hard at the time, but I accepted it. It’s given me a lovely and very close relationship with DD and deepened relationship with DSC, my DSD now has two children of her own and I have really enjoyed spending time with them.

I know it doesn’t help your situation right now. I also found my bloodiness disappeared the minute DD started schools, weird but I suddenly felt we had more time together as a couple and the thought of a new baby felt too hard!

Ugh I hate it when these threads come up because of the way people respond.
YANBU OP.
Don’t let people tell you his needs trump yours, or it’s your responsibility to make the sacrifice to keep the family together.