Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

Maybe OP was swayed by his financial stability without looking at the whole picture

I really empathise. You have the same age gap I have with my husband though he didn’t have any kids before he met me. We had one and then he said he wasn’t sure he could cope with another. I was gutted because I’d always imagined having more than one and we had spoken about numbers before we were married, but he had said “no more than 2”, not that we would definitely have 2! Anyway, I persuaded him, as he could see the benefit of our oldest having a sibling - but pregnancy no. 2 turned out to be twins!! We both love all 3 of our kids to bits but not many months go by without him commenting on how he always said he felt he was only up to coping with one child!

But he's coping, right, and loving all three children?

The more I think about this, @Wantanotherandanother, I think your DH is being selfish, I'm sorry!! If he wasn't willing to support your dream of having more than one child, he should have walked away. He's taken away your youth and ability to have children, for what - you probably having to care for him in his old age?

Does it not occur to him that, should he die prematurely (and it happens!) he will leave you with a lifetime of regret that you only have one child? He's coping with your 2 year old presumably? Denying your child one full sibling is not fair. He should have, with the advantage of greater maturity and life experience, understood that in terms of having a family, you were incompatible?

"Number not discussed"

Open and shut case. YABU.

I think the trouble is the age gap and your relative life experiences.

yep, this is one reason why I am wary of people telling women in their 30s to date men 10-15 years older.

You are not being unreasonable wanting more children. You didn't have three teens with an ex. Your needs in life are important, even if they don't align with your husbands and he should be kind enough to consider your feelings and the fact you only have one child and how this doesn't reflect what you want. He should be especially considerate of the promises made when you entered this relationship.

Baby decisions are difficult because ultimately the final decision goes with the person who says no and that typically tends to be the man.

If he is unwilling to consider having more, you need to think about what's more important to you, having more children or having your husband and the child you have.

It's so tough! I would have had more, but my husband was 100% finished. I hope he will come round and you decide to have another in due course.

Oh dear god....sods law for hubby, but what a wonderful blessing!

Have you thought of counselling to try to work this through? You say you were ready to try for another baby at 6 months, but waited for him to bring the subject up, for well over a year, so it sounds like there could be underlying communication and trust issues.

If you really want more children, you can of course leave him and get pregnant by donor sperm, you don't have to find a partner and blend families. It's a big step but only you can decide if having more children is that important to you.

I have one, ideally I'd have had at least 3, and they would all have gotten along, but life is what it is, not all sibling relationships work out, financially I'm a lot more comfortable than I would be with more kids, it's one of the many roads not taken in my life. Only you can know how much the regret would impact you.

This is a direct consequence of an older man with a failed marriage and complete family taking up with a younger woman and the younger woman sucking up all the “age-gap relationships are totally fine” stuff that’s peddled on here and elsewhere.

Anyone with an ounce of realism could have seen this coming from miles away.

If OP was a man bemoaning the fact that his older wife didn't want another child he would have his arse absolutely handed to him, and the poll would be looking a lot more one sided. Double standards as usual.

Why do you need to have so many children? You have children together, you really going to break up your marriage over this…

They have a child together, not children. And why does anybody want more than one child? Why is anybody upset about secondary infertility?

Why would he? He'd have his arse handed to him if he tried to pressure her into it but there'd be nothing wrong with him being upset she didn't want more. Not seeing a double standard here.

How heartless and lacking in understanding. One reason why people are upset about secondary infertility is because it’s not a choice. Some people chose not to have kids or to have one child or a certain number and this is choice made by the person or couple. Wanting another child and being told no you can’t because of medical reasons is difficult to come to terms with for many of those who are in this situation.

How heartless and lacking in understanding. One reason why people are upset about secondary infertility is because it’s not a choice. Some people chose not to have kids or to have one child or a certain number and this is choice made by the person or couple. Wanting another child and being told no you can’t because of medical reasons is difficult to come to terms with for many of those who are in this situation.

I think you've misunderstood. I was making a parallel to question a PP not understanding why she "needs" more children. I wasn't personally saying it isn't hard, I was obviously saying it is hard.

You wrote “They have a child together, not children. And why does anybody want more than one child? Why is anybody upset about secondary infertility”. I didn’t misunderstand.

You wrote “They have a child together, not children. And why does anybody want more than one child? Why is anybody upset about secondary infertility”. I didn’t misunderstand.

Well yes you did, because you then went on to rant about why not having another child when you want one is hard, when that was the point I was making.

Wanting another child and being told no you can’t because of medical reasons is difficult to come to terms with for many of those who are in this situation
Op wanting another child and being told no because he's already got kids is also difficult to come to terms with.

Erm, I'm fairly sure if OP were a 35 year old man bemoaning his 48 year old wife not wanting to TTC he'd get a great many more people telling him he should've known this was going to happen than OP has.

@aSofaNearYou I understood what you meant. You were making the point that people don't have the number of kids they need, they have the number that they want. And when they can't have the number they want, such as because of secondary infertility, it's upsetting for them.

I was in this position with my ex. We agreed to have 3. When I was pregnant with my second he made it clear he wasn’t interested in her and didn’t so much as change a nappy when she was born as he claimed to have been pressured into having her (completely planned). We split up. He then went on to have 3 more children with someone else.
The moral of the story I learned was to never fully trust a man’s plans prior to starting a family. Things change, people change their minds, it is never set in stone whatever you believe. It’s hard and hurtful I completely get that. I never got over the third child I didn’t have while he got to fulfil that with someone else. I’m now fortunate I met someone else and have my longed for third baby 10 years later.
You have to weigh up the pros and cons. Another baby vs broken family. if you are certain you want another then consider alternatives - sperm donation or ending your marriage to find someone else. If they aren’t options the final option is to make your family work as it is for the sake of your baby.

Get pregnant and say it was an accident, you forget the pill, etc.

Jesus christ.

Imagine a man comes on here and says 'I want another baby and she doesn't, so I'm going to sabotage the contraception to get her pregnant when she doesn't want to be.' He wouldn't make it out alive.

He's allowed to change his mind, and the person who doesn't want children should always get priority. You can't compromise, it's not possible to have half a child is it.