Husband changed his mind about baby. AIBU

[Wantanotherandanother]

Name changed for this. Need a fresh perspective on this problem please but be kind...

I'm 35 and husband is 48. Always planned to have kids, number not discussed but hoped we'd have at least two (more if I was lucky!). Had our first and at 6 months pp I was broody! Waited and waited and he didn't mention anything so recently brought it up given neither of us have time on our side and our 'baby' is nearly 2. He said he now feels he doesn't actually want any more and he's very much done. I feel a bit short changed and although so, so grateful to already have one, I always hoped to have more and he knew that. I feel like he went into this knowing he'd always refuse any more. His reasons are related to his age and that he just feels physically done with having young children around. Financially we'd be ok.

He has 3 teens to his ex and so obviously has had his fair share of nappies and sleepless nights.

AIBU? Can a marriage even survive this difference in opinion about something so huge? Neither of us wish to compromise. I feel so sad every time I see a pregnant lady or baby and don't think that ache will ever go away.

Yes if is though, all the time on here. When men, and women, put their wants before those of their children they’re routinely called out for being selfish.

He is maybe thinking of what age he will be when another is his teens age..
we always said 45 was my partners cut off.. because he didn't want his children potentially being young carers for him which I understand.. I didn't really want that for them either 😅 we have a ten year age gap so I've always been realistic of what we've wanted vs what's realistic.. we're stopping at 2 instead of 3..
he also maybe doesn't want a toddler as he turns 50..

Just as if this was your decision not to have another and he was upset.. he would be expected to respect your decision also

It's a shitty situation to be sitting in either way though x

Commented before realising OP has deserted this..
either unhappy with the result, or another newspaper bait post 🫠🙃

*It’s not emotional blackmail though, but even if it was, it’s true. She’s prioritising having another child over the stability of the child and family she already has, to the point of breaking up said family. Conversely he wants to maintain the status quo, which is significantly less disruptive.

Is her happiness solely dependent on having another child? If it is, why does this mean it’s something that should be prioritised above everything else, at the expense of the happiness of the child she does have?*

And if she was unhappy because he didn't pull his weight? Or she just didn't fancy him anymore? Would these be reasonable reasons to leave. Generally an adult leaving their non-abusive partners will be putting their wants (whether that's for someone that shares the housework and childcare more, for sexual attraction, for another child...) above the stability for their children. Yet they're not generally told they're shitty people for choosing to leave. This shouldn't be different.

That’s not why OP is wanting to leave though, is it? She’s not wanting to leave because he’s unfairly burdening her, or treating her like a servant unworthy of respect, she’s wanting to leave a relationship she’s otherwise happy in because her desire for another child is apparently the most important consideration.

That’s not why OP is wanting to leave though, is it? She’s not wanting to leave because he’s unfairly burdening her, or treating her like a servant unworthy of respect, she’s wanting to leave a relationship she’s otherwise happy in because her desire for another child is apparently the most important consideration.

And what about the no longer fancying him scenario? People leave relationships for many reasons, and not all of them are because the other person is mistreating them. Sometimes, it's just because they're unhappy. Why is this an invalid reason to be unhappy, whilst others are valid?

Who said I think that’s a ‘valid’ reason? That said, romantic attraction and love are, in current times, considered to be the foundation of a healthy marriage and generally good things to demonstrate to children. Leaving because you want more children and that desire is more important to you than the needs of the one you already have is a different matter.

Who said I think that’s a ‘valid’ reason? That said, romantic attraction and love are, in current times, considered to be the foundation of a healthy marriage and generally good things to demonstrate to children. Leaving because you want more children and that desire is more important to you than the needs of the one you already have is a different matter.

I don't think any one person thinks it's a valid reason, there are always at least a couple of people who say it's selfish to leave your marriage regardless of whether you're unhappy. I just think that generally when people are unhappy and can't stop feeling that way, the majority do support them leaving. For some reason, here, people are generally dismissing the cause of her unhappiness as if it's no big deal and she should just let it go.

The two examples I gave were just random, really, but I don't think it's only ever reasons that are beneficial to the kids that cause people to leave and be supported in leaving.

One of her choices is not to have a baby she desperately does want. That’s coercion. It’s terrible for the potential child and he’s not even giving then a chance at life!

see how ridiculous that sounds?

The problem with this issue is that neither @Wantanotherandanother or her dh is wrong - both of them have entirely valid feelings on the matter - but sadly there is no answer that will make both of them feel their feelings and choice in the matter have been respected. I can’t see any sensible compromise that would satisfy both parties.

Neither of you unreasonable in wanting/not wanting more children, but I think YABU to not have foreseen this might happen when he already has 3 other children.

im not sure the OP even said she was considering leaving him, so why is everyone saying she is?

its true that in this situation one person will need to 100% sacrifice, there is not reasonable compromise unless she goes and has a child with someone else or uses a donor, because he doesn’t want another child but she does - though ultimately he will be a parent to that child regardless.

she accepted how many children he had before her, if I was him, I would accept how many children she wants to have because ultimately I’d want her to be happy

My DH has children from previous marriage, when I met him I was 100% sure I didn't want children and he said he didn't want any more, we were happy. As I got older (2 or so years into our relationship) I changed my mind, it meant so much to me to become a mum and I was willing to walk away knowing he didn't want anymore as he's alot older than me. We compromised and we agreed on one. We have 1 child together and have been happily married for years. 🥰. I knew my DH would stick to only one child with me and we both had to compromise. It's up to you if you will truly be happy with one, if not you need to decide if it is worth breaking your family up for. It's hard if your broody. I still get the odd pang of wanting another but know my DH is too old to be doing nappies etc again

Utter rubbish, and entirely unfair to burden this poor unborn child with being a ‘compromise’ or sticking plaster, as a result of its mother’s selfishness and father’s weakness (should he just cave in for an easy life).

No one is entitled to, or owed, a child. The DH’s no should be respected or the OP should leave the marriage and bear the responsibility for that.

So let me get this. Men are reckless when they have more children than they can afford or can/will actually parent. But also are arseholes if they don’t give into the exact amount of children their wife’s want?

So basically men are arseholes and women are saints all the time no matter what right.

Just checking my womenly privilege here to use against obviously arsehole husband.

Whilst I feel sorry for you YABU. He was probably done at 3, he's already compromised.

He has the right to not want anymore and you should have always known this was a possibility when choosing to settle down with someone who already had three

Does being in the 21st century mean that a women’s wishes automatically trump a man’s?

The wishes of the person who doesn’t want an extra child take precedence, be they male or female. The fact that children are brought into the world in less than ideal circumstances is not an argument in favor of adding to their number.

Do all women want 2 or more then? Shit, nobody told me. Maybe I can hold DH's snipped tubes back together and crack out another before we turn 40.

No, the wishes of the person who doesn't want more children 'trump' the wishes of the one who does.