Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really fucked off that my time doesn't matter

157 replies

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 20:53

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 14/02/2023 12:26

If you know that your child might be in a national competition, surely you avoid making other plans for that day just in case? Or give a heads up that plans are loose and made on the basis that you might not be able to attend if child goes to next round.

I can't abide people who just drop their arrangements on a whim or because their child wants to do something else. I have 4 dc and while their needs are obviously a priority, their preferences don't have to be centred at all times, at the expense of other relationships the parent should maintain

cansu · 14/02/2023 12:31

I wouldn't send some of the suggestions here. You risk souring a friendship permanently. Just say you are not going and why. Be less available. Find others to make plans with for a bit.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/02/2023 14:30

So sorry to hear about your mother. That affects tiredness levels for ages, and how sad for you. My condolences.

I would be tempted to write back that you know its hard for people who dont work outside the home or who only work part time to understand how draining it can be to do full time hours and commute, but it is really not possible to meet on that day due to the other demands on your time and energy that day.

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 14:31

JupiterFortified · 13/02/2023 21:07

But why the eye roll? Can’t someone without kids be tired? If you’re tired you’re tired, the reason is irrelevant.

Show quote history

This. It's not a competition.

Bleachmycloths · 14/02/2023 18:21

I sympathise. My hairdresser, a gay man in a relationship, said recently “Why do some people who have children suddenly think they rule the world?” I know what he means. Having children is a massive life changer and you see everything through the parents’ lens. This is why friends drift apart when some have children and others don’t.
maybe carry on making arrangements but never rely on them turning up and have a Plan B ready. Or reduce contact but still remain good friends.
I would be very annoyed by the emojis. Patronising. You should have sent a 😡 back!

Bleachmycloths · 14/02/2023 18:32

Just read your post about your mum,OP. I am so dreadfully sorry. 🌺

Lovely13 · 14/02/2023 18:49

I would text them: ‘As I’ve already explained, that evening is not good for me. Hope you two have a great night together. To avoid date clashes, we can organise another one, once you’ve both got calendar of kids’ sports schedule etc. And I have mine for work.’
Their responses remind me of the smug marrieds in Bridget Jones!

Pelsall116 · 14/02/2023 18:52

I would just tell them that night is a no-no for me - see if they rearrange; if so, fine, if not you know where you stand and I would draw a line under the friendship and move on

River82 · 14/02/2023 18:52

They don't respect you. I would cancel, make zero effort and delete their numbers.

thatsahardno · 14/02/2023 18:53

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

People without kids aren’t allowed to be tired from an early start, 4 hours of commuting and a full day’s work? Here, I’m rolling your eyes back to you 🙄🙄🙄

AllyArty · 14/02/2023 18:54

Your friends could do with seeing the bigger picture. Everyone has priorities and limitations and just because theirs are different to yours (ie kids v no kids) doesn’t mean your priorities are less important.

HiddenGiraffes · 14/02/2023 18:56

You're not being remotely unreasonable, quite the opposite.

thatsahardno · 14/02/2023 18:58

Sorry for your loss OP 💐 Your friends are rude. YANBU.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 19:04

Know your audience!

What a daft comment. How the hell is OP supposed to know who has children on the thread and who doesn't?

Emmamoo89 · 14/02/2023 19:11

YANBU X

Calliell · 14/02/2023 19:38

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 20:53

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

You need better friends.
Friend A must have know before the day of kids sporting event that it was happening.
She obviously couldn’t be arsed.

Tell friends that you couldn’t think of anything worse than having kids if it means constantly letting people down then tell them both to meet up as you have single friends to meet down the pub! 😂

Honestly, some people with kids think everyone’s lives revolve around their crotch goblins!

Calliell · 14/02/2023 19:40

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

So people without kids never get tired? Most people work, know your audience!

hiyaKen · 14/02/2023 20:25

I used to (pre covid) commute 5 days a week for
90 mins each way. My train was 6:45am

That didn't mean my evenings were totally impossible for socialising

It's one night. You'll survive. Presumably it's dinner and not all night clubbing

amispeakingintongues · 14/02/2023 20:36

They are being plain rude.
I have kids but wouldn’t do what they’ve done, you sound like a nice friend and they don’t deserve you.

Redragtoabull · 14/02/2023 20:48

Arrange something with friends C & D!!
Your time is no less important than anyone elses and if A & B 'friends' children have events, they are not just put on parents, they are planned in advance. Suggest calendars as Christmas presents 🎁

Overnightoats1 · 14/02/2023 21:23

Not excusing their behaviour because they should take your feelings and schedule into account but my son is at a similar level to your friends and unfortunately we are often only given a day or so notice if they are playing up an age group or potentially playing away vs home.. if there is a sudden change to home and it's an important fixture at that level I can understand why she'd need to cancel - he'd want her there

CatsnCoffee · 15/02/2023 02:43

You’re all missing the point. This isn’t about OP’s time v A’s and B’s time. This is about 2 ‘friends’ ganging up on the third. Personally, I would always avoid going out as part of a group of 3. Someone is, inevitably the one left out, sidelined etc and that’s OP. It’s playground bullying for grown-ups.

bonzaitree · 15/02/2023 03:36

I’m all about matching the energy other people give you. Think about what they’re giving you and match it. That way you don’t get annoyed.

Also being friends with people who have little kids can be hard and very dull. Find some new friends who are child free or past the little kid stage. Much nicer and more interesting people who don’t think the world revolves around their offspring

Perky1 · 15/02/2023 09:05

I’m in the minority. Children come first. It’s the way of the world.

WTAFhappened123 · 15/02/2023 09:08

I have a ‘friend’ like this, will arrange to meet up.. I know all she’ll do is talk about herself so do hope she’ll cancel but when she cancels it’s always after I’ve left home, or I’ve been sitting there for 30 minutes and she’s ‘forgotten’ or blames her ASD. I don’t want to cut her off because she does struggle with life but yes disrespect towards your own time is so rude