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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really fucked off that my time doesn't matter

157 replies

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 20:53

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

OP posts:
Applesandcarrots · 13/02/2023 21:41

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:29

Actually I disagree. The tiredness of a parent with a child waking throughout the night AND having to work full time is way more than someone just working. Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

as I said upthread though, the OP doesn’t have anything to apologise for and of course can be tired!

Show quote history

Be carefull so your eyes don't stay rolled because lots of us childfree keep mentioning how ee are tired when we are tired. Because we can be tired.

Op, they are taking a piss. Say something. You will then see if it's genuine piss or they just genuinely didn't realise.

MeridianB · 13/02/2023 21:41

They’re being thoughtless. I’d decline and then leave it to them to set up something that works well for everyone. Wonder how long it will take?

Time for you to stop running around for them when they clearly don’t appreciate it.

IsItThough · 13/02/2023 21:41

SalviaOfficinalis · 13/02/2023 21:24

I’d reply with something like - “lol (or emoji of your choice). I still can’t do Wednesdays though”.

This is the way to reply - light but direct.

Circumferences · 13/02/2023 21:42

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event,

Ok this would grate with me massively. I'm a mum. If my son has any sporting event or "any event" I'd know about it literally weeks in advance.

I wouldn't arrange or rearrange to meet friends on those days knowing I needed to take my son to one of his events in the first place!

Friend A is behaving really inconsiderately. Believe me she would have known well in advance. No need to cancel last minute.

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/02/2023 21:45

I think you are right to be annoyed. Rude and inconsiderate.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/02/2023 21:46

I’d probably reply “Guys you’ve cancelled this activity on me twice because of your commitments, I don’t think it’s much to ask that we rearrange on a day when it doesn’t cause problems for my commitments. As I said, X date does not work for me. Can you do Y date?”

^^ This.

Friend A is taking the piss and is either being a flake and bailing when she has a better offer (and using her kid as an excuse) or her husband is the kid of dick who has urgent shit to do as soon as it looks like she might want some time off to herself

Sidge · 13/02/2023 21:46

If they’re still being kept up all night with kids of their ages they’re doing something wrong…

I hate competitive tiredness, whoever is doing it. I’d hate it even more if it was coming from people who are so flaky.

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 21:46

Yanbu, they are very rude.

Emergencies can happen sure, but real friends don't behave like that.

Last minute cancellations are very very rude.

Sports events don't come up very last minute, at least a couple of days notice for matches.

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/02/2023 21:47

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

Here we go again. For the hard of thinking, people without children can be tired.
You didn't phrase it wrong op. I get up at 5 for work Monday to Friday. My kids are adults I am fucking tired. Btw yanbu.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2023 21:52

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:29

Actually I disagree. The tiredness of a parent with a child waking throughout the night AND having to work full time is way more than someone just working. Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

as I said upthread though, the OP doesn’t have anything to apologise for and of course can be tired!

Show quote history

Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

Read that sentence of yours a few times and see if you can spot the whacking great contradiction in there.

Canthave2manycats · 13/02/2023 21:53

Sidge · 13/02/2023 21:46

If they’re still being kept up all night with kids of their ages they’re doing something wrong…

I hate competitive tiredness, whoever is doing it. I’d hate it even more if it was coming from people who are so flaky.

That's exactly what I was going to say!

They don't have newborns and if their kids don't sleep all night at their ages, then they really need to sort that!

Put the ball back in their court, as others have suggested. They are being very selfish! The 2 hour commute has me exhausted just thinking about it!

Confusion101 · 13/02/2023 21:55

HunterHearstHelmsley · 13/02/2023 21:36

I hate this shit. It's on a par with "you can't be tired, you don't have children!" 🙄

Keep your boundaries.

Totally agree with this!!!! Such a load of bollox!

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/02/2023 21:56

I think you need to separate into 2 issues.

She had to cancel on you twice as something came up. We can speculate as to whether or not she would have known about it in advance, but I know I've been caught off guard with my kids' sports. It might be extra ad hoc training if preparing for a big event, if the kid is older maybe something was communicated directly to them that they forgot to pass on. Or maybe she just messed up, why not give the benefit of the doubt?

Re: the Wednesday night, I don't get the sense from their comments that they don't value your time. Rather, they're implying that they're used to getting on with things after little or broken sleep, and they think you should too. You don't have to agree with them, you're absolutely free to say 'no, I'm really not going to be up to it, count me out' but I'm not sure why you need to get all pissy about it either?

drunkornot · 13/02/2023 21:57

I think friend A doesn’t really want to spend time with you alone

Travis1 · 13/02/2023 21:57

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:29

Actually I disagree. The tiredness of a parent with a child waking throughout the night AND having to work full time is way more than someone just working. Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

as I said upthread though, the OP doesn’t have anything to apologise for and of course can be tired!

Show quote history

This attitude of parents is just so fucking patronising. Like if you’ve not got a child you can’t possibly be as tired as them. Get a grip.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2023 22:02

God, I remember the last time I was told at work that I couldn’t possibly be tired as I didn’t have children. Cue a room full of tinkly little laughs from the other smug mums of school age children.

I’m undergoing PTSD therapy, which essentially involves having nightmares during the day as well as at night. I’m also menopausal in my 30s so I don’t sleep properly to begin with, I have a physical disability that wakes me up 8 times a night, and I’m grieving the loss of both parents in an estrangement necessitated by them being abusive alcoholics (see PTSD).

I honestly considered whether it’d be worth getting sacked just to tell them to shut the fuckity fucking bloody fuck up. I didn’t but I kinda wish I had. Of course they didn’t know that because I don’t overshare at work but all the more reason not to apply an arbitrary tiredness threshold based on fecundity.

Smug pricks.

Businessflake · 13/02/2023 22:03

ricketybeauty · 13/02/2023 21:31

But why are these two parents “up all night with the kids” at their ages? They aren’t newborns

Please explain that to my three year old.

GrumpyPanda · 13/02/2023 22:04

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

Only one appropriate MN answer to this. ODFOD.

demotedreally · 13/02/2023 22:06

But as a aren't you get used to getting tired.

Everyone knows that if your child has a run of good sleep the time they wake in the night is simply awful.

Of course it is possible to have a full time job with a baby and not be the most tired person in the room.

And yes my 7yo still wakes up a bit...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/02/2023 22:07

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

I echo all this!

Tophy124 · 13/02/2023 22:08

They are being arseholes. And I say that as someone who is a SAHM with a child who has a lot of working friends who didn’t have children.

I firstly wouldn’t cancel on them for events I should have known about before, and I definitely would rearrange plans for your working day.

They are being really shitty! Sorry OP.

Businessflake · 13/02/2023 22:08

My son knows all his practice sessions, friendlies and matches until the end of the season. I've never heard of a 'surprise' event with no warning but I accept there may be a spott where this happens.

if it’s a national team maybe they don’t announce the team until the day before?

Anyway, the weekend flakiness isn’t really relevant to the Wednesday discussion. The point is the OP said no to a Wednesday and should just be firm on that.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/02/2023 22:08

"Karen it's not a competition. I said that day is no good for me, I'll catch you both another time."

Then proceed to back away.
Friend A sounds like a complete prick.

Original poster
Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 22:09

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/02/2023 21:56

I think you need to separate into 2 issues.

She had to cancel on you twice as something came up. We can speculate as to whether or not she would have known about it in advance, but I know I've been caught off guard with my kids' sports. It might be extra ad hoc training if preparing for a big event, if the kid is older maybe something was communicated directly to them that they forgot to pass on. Or maybe she just messed up, why not give the benefit of the doubt?

Re: the Wednesday night, I don't get the sense from their comments that they don't value your time. Rather, they're implying that they're used to getting on with things after little or broken sleep, and they think you should too. You don't have to agree with them, you're absolutely free to say 'no, I'm really not going to be up to it, count me out' but I'm not sure why you need to get all pissy about it either?

I don't think I'm being prissy.

It's the Sunday that annoyed me the most. That as long as she pays me back the deposit she doesn't understand how I could be inconvenienced.

Ach... Well as its a Monday taking myself off to bed

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/02/2023 22:09

Also I will say it’s not always the people with kids.
Last Friday, after working, and having two young children I leave for a dinner date with a friend only to have her message that she needs to push it out by an hr as running late. No worries I only got ready with two young children bouncing around me, left early to sit in traffic to then have to turn around to go back home because she couldn’t get her shit together.