Really fucked off that my time doesn't matter

[Imlookingatapicture]

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

Last time there was a thread like that someone said she was looking forward to getting back in touch with all her friends in a couple of years once both kids were in school after years of not having time for them 🙈

God, smug mummies. The worst.

I’m childless and generally only have friends without kids because of shite like this. Anyone who mocks or makes fun of your feelings because you’re not a precious mummy just needs sacking off. I’ve a chronic illness and will happily go toe to toe in the tiredness olympics any day.

I’ll be your friend OP.

I’d honestly find some new friends and start to distance yourself or at least not rely upon these two. I am 52 and child free, I found a fair few of my friends dropped off after they had children. I accepted it in the end, maybe some friendships are not meant to last forever.

My son knows all his practice sessions, friendlies and matches until the end of the season. I've never heard of a 'surprise' event with no warning but I accept there may be a spott where this happens. I think friend A has been a bit cheeky there unless someone else was supposed to take him and she was let down, in which case a simple explanation would have been fine.

They're being a bit rude really and I'm not surprised you're feeling undervalued.

Don't go or they will keep treating you like this.

Also, stop booking somewhere that requires a deposit.

@ShirleyPhallus Why is there only one audience? People get tired for all sorts of reasons - mums haven’t been awarded a special new level of tired reserved only for them.

I’d reply something like “A full day working and a 2 hour commute means I’ll be tired and not in the right mood to enjoy the evening. This is the 3rd time of trying to arrange a date and all I ask is that it isn’t on a Wednesday. Let me know what other dates you can both do”

I’d reply with something like - “lol (or emoji of your choice). I still can’t do Wednesdays though”.

I'm feeling a bit like this at the moment op, and it's making me sad.

I'm childfree completely by choice, no fertility issues, have terminated an accidental pregnancy (just adding that detail so I'm not told that I'm jealous or that I secretly do want children - I definitely don't).

Several of my closest friends have had children.

I completely understand that their kids are the most important things in their life. But I feel very much like I'm now - understandably - at the bottom of the pile prioritisation wise.

I am going to try to make some new friends without children. I love my friends, but their lives have changed in a completely different way to mine and in many ways we're no longer compatible in the way we were.

A is a friend from school. B is the wife of a school friend.
I hang on because when we do finally make it they're wonderful company.

Also, as I'm pissed off and now mulling it over... I'm childfree by choice but I don't think they know that. Friend B certainly doesn't so that could have been an awfully insensitive thing to say. (It's not, I'm just peeved!)

Stop giving them reasons. Just say you're not available that day until 10am or whatever. Don't give them the ammo.

Actually I disagree. The tiredness of a parent with a child waking throughout the night AND having to work full time is way more than someone just working. Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

as I said upthread though, the OP doesn’t have anything to apologise for and of course can be tired!

But why are these two parents “up all night with the kids” at their ages? They aren’t newborns

Tell them you have a super important work event in the morning so won't be able to attend......bung a fiver over via pay pal so they really get the hint!!!!!.....YANBU

In terms of people's times its a mix, a good friend goes omg mode if I'm late for us travelling together etc, then with the friends timekeeping it's a mix and just a sorry I'm late etc without a second thought

*although it was a while ago, not sure if the persons time keeping is better now

I think you need new friends - cancelling on you twice for anything short of an actual emergency is really rude.
I think you won't be losing anything by texting back that she isn't being a considerate or kind friend in cancelling twice and now arranging for the one night you cannot do.

Personally, I'd stop making the effort with people who cba to stick to arrangements and who think it's okay behaviour to just cancel on a whim. They don't respect your time.
Them having kids isn't a reasonable explanation for this behaviour - loads of people have children and aren't flaky and unreliable. They are just shite friends

Wow that “you’ll be fine” message from them was extremely rude. Yanbu!

I’d probably reply “Guys you’ve cancelled this activity on me twice because of your commitments, I don’t think it’s much to ask that we rearrange on a day when it doesn’t cause problems for my commitments. As I said, X date does not work for me. Can you do Y date?”

Or perhaps phone them instead if that’s less awkward.

But the bottom line is, it seems that your feelings aren’t very important to these people 😔

Having kids does make you less reliable because you do have to cancel your plans if your partner can’t get home/babysitter can’t make it or if the kids are ill (which happens quite a lot to some children!). But I think most reasonable people accept that. This pair sound like they’re poorly organised and aren’t at all respectful of the fact that you have a life and other priorities too. I’d sack them off and find some better friends, to be honest….

I hate this shit. It's on a par with "you can't be tired, you don't have children!" 🙄

Keep your boundaries.

@ShirleyPhallus tbf both my DS slept through from about eight weeks and never woke in the night, ever, apart from maybe a total of about ten times between them for D and V or cough type illnesses. They also never got up before about half seven either. They are now teenagers and sleep for Britain and now I sleep awfully and am more tired than ever. My sisters and one of my friends children were also the same. Lucky I know but not everyone is the same. I find things like this have got worse since Covid. It's like a constant competition as to who is the busiest or the most tired all the time.

When I first had a baby I thought I'd die from tiredness. But these aren't people with tiny kids and they won't be anymore tired than someone with a long commute or a full on, stressful job or a person with health issues or chronic pain conditions - there are many many reasons why someone without children might be as tired as someone who has them.
There are also many people whose dc are fantastic sleepers and who therefore have plenty of sleep themselves!

Exactly.

My closest friends are childfree and this is exactly why. Not just the logistical difficulties but the smug dismissiveness and attitude that anyone sans kids "doesn't know the meaning of tired/never felt real love/etc etc"

Particularly as the two mentioned are part time or SAHM. Commuting is bloody knackering.

You explained it perfectly.

People with children don’t have exclusive rights to tiredness, or a desire not to be tired 🙄

xxx