Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really fucked off that my time doesn't matter

157 replies

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 20:53

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

OP posts:
QuietOne121 · 13/02/2023 22:54

Had a similar situation with a good ‘best’ friend of 15 years except it was me who was the parent and friend who wasnt.

They were always a tad flakey, but a couple of times in a row were a no-show for meeting up.

Had this happen 3 times in a row, the final time I came off shift work, booked time off work for meeting them, arranged a baby sitter and left me sat there like a plum once again.

That was that for me.
That was December 2013, blocked them on everything and never bothered with them again. Time is the most precious thing. People will meet up if they really want to, continually getting messed around is disrespectful irrespective of circumstances.

I’ve never looked back and have normal friends now who meet when they say they will.

PermanentlyinUAT · 13/02/2023 22:57

You commute 4 hours a day?!

<misses point of thread>

JennyDarlingRIP · 13/02/2023 22:59

Apologies, didn't realise at their ages your DC would still be causing sleepless nights, I thought you had well behaved little ones! Must be all the unexpected last minute sporting events disturbing their routines poor things.

PatientZorro · 13/02/2023 23:02

😂😂Oh please respond with Jenny’s brilliant suggestion above. And then come
back and tell us what they say. Pretty please! 😂

Scienceadvisory · 13/02/2023 23:03

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

You really are tone deaf, aren't you?
Did you never feel tired before having children?

Should someone with chronic fatigue syndrome not feel tired if they have an early start? How about someone undergoing chemo or caring for elderly relatives? What about nurses who are up early to start their 3rd 12 hour a&e in a row?

BabyOnBoard90 · 13/02/2023 23:06

YANBU. They're taking the piss.

Can't stand mums that go on like they're doing an exceptional task that very few could cope or understand - when in reality most people do.

ThisIsWednesday · 13/02/2023 23:07

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

I have three kids. My sister gets up at the arse-crack of dawn, works all day, gets home late in the evening and then has to do it again the next day. She's got me beaten on tiredness. Mine doesn't trump hers.
Having children doesn't automatically mean you're knackered?

MarieRoseMarie · 13/02/2023 23:08

It sounds like you aren’t super close and they don’t want to come. Fair enough.

ensayers · 13/02/2023 23:08

Sorry. You're on the wrong side of a one sided friendship.
I think A can't be arsed to meet with you, and to satisfy your want to meet has suggested you meet with B too (while A really just wants to meet with B)
Maybe they picked your office day on purpose, or maybe it was a coincidence, either way, as it will be you not them saying that you can't attend, they'll be seeing this as "oh well, not their fault that you weren't there as you were invited"

I think if you could read the private messages between the two of them, it would open your eyes to what they're really like.
It's almost identical to a situation in my own life

WGACA · 13/02/2023 23:10

They sound thoughtless, insensitive and condescending. I would reply ‘I can’t do Wednesdays as you know. I hope you have a lovely evening together. Take care.’ Then I would disengage, nurture other friendships and never look back. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum too.

LadyMcLadyface · 13/02/2023 23:16

I'm really sorry for your loss OP 💐 YADNBU, your friend messed up by having to cancel on you twice and that comment about not having kids keep you up at night is just rude. Your time is as valuable as theirs, I have a long commute as well and wouldn't feel like meeting up with anyone the night before either as it just wouldn't be enjoyable if you know you've got an early start the next day. Tbh I would call them out on it.

honeyrider · 13/02/2023 23:17

ensayers · 13/02/2023 23:08

Sorry. You're on the wrong side of a one sided friendship.
I think A can't be arsed to meet with you, and to satisfy your want to meet has suggested you meet with B too (while A really just wants to meet with B)
Maybe they picked your office day on purpose, or maybe it was a coincidence, either way, as it will be you not them saying that you can't attend, they'll be seeing this as "oh well, not their fault that you weren't there as you were invited"

I think if you could read the private messages between the two of them, it would open your eyes to what they're really like.
It's almost identical to a situation in my own life

I agree with this, A is not your friend. I bet she only suggested the meet up after your mother's funeral was just one of those empty comments people make to make themselves sound good and caring in difficult situations.

ThisIsWednesday · 13/02/2023 23:24

Binglebong · 13/02/2023 22:53

She may have paid her deposit but did she pay yours? Because you'll be down a fiver for not going too.

That's a very good point. Not only are they cancelling their day but it also cancels yours. Any time you have used and arrangements you have made (or things you've cancelled due to this arrangement) are suddenly lost. Wasted. You day could end up you sitting at home, all dressed up and eating a bowl of cereal because you didn't defrost that bacon/chilli/whatever for lunch as you were expecting to be eating out.

monsteramunch · 13/02/2023 23:36

I'm so sorry about your mum OP Flowers

aonbharr · 13/02/2023 23:49

ImAvingOops · 13/02/2023 21:38

When I first had a baby I thought I'd die from tiredness. But these aren't people with tiny kids and they won't be anymore tired than someone with a long commute or a full on, stressful job or a person with health issues or chronic pain conditions - there are many many reasons why someone without children might be as tired as someone who has them.
There are also many people whose dc are fantastic sleepers and who therefore have plenty of sleep themselves!

yes one friend has a 7 and a 9 year old, if she can't get sleep because of kids this age, that's pretty poor parenting. The other one has 1 three year old to deal with... 1. Give her a medal 😂Don't mind them OP, total cheek.

QuestionsFromThePublic · 13/02/2023 23:53

So sorry to hear about your mum

People with children do not have the monopoly on tiredness or sleepless nights. I had early wakers, ready for the day at 5.30 am. Other than the newborn stage, I'm definitely more tired now because of other health issues and insomnia.

It is off that they are arranging the plan for the one night you cannot attend. I would have expected people that have cancelled and invited extra people to accommodate your needs better. Never mind that you are dealing with the lost of your mum. They should be trying hard to support you.

My DC have events and plans each and every day. It is relentless and tedious. I do not expect my commitments and time to trump everyone else's..

Yanbu, they are.

sammylady37 · 14/02/2023 00:07

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:29

Actually I disagree. The tiredness of a parent with a child waking throughout the night AND having to work full time is way more than someone just working. Of course, tiredness is something which you can’t actually compare as you can never understand how tired someone else is, but yeah I’d roll my eyes if someone without children told me how tired they are.

as I said upthread though, the OP doesn’t have anything to apologise for and of course can be tired!

Show quote history

The mummy martyrdom is strong with this one!

horriblechristmas2022 · 14/02/2023 00:14

@ShirleyPhallus

But what gives you the right to be so unpleasant and judgy about people being tired
I would eye roll hard at your appalling lack of empathy for fellow humans

Cassy92 · 14/02/2023 00:25

Sounds like they just don't care about your feelings to be so dismissive.

If a friend said to me - x night doesn't work well for me, then X night would be struck off the list of a time to organise. Doesn't matter what your reasons are.

QuizzlyBears · 14/02/2023 00:28

You’re right to be annoyed. It fucks me off no end when friends who have children seemingly can’t do anything without it revolving around them or think they are the most tired/hardest working/most exhausted etc etc because they have kids. I drove an hour and a half the other week for a pre planned coffee date with a ‘friend’ who has a 6 month old…sat in costa for an hour whilst I waited and waited to be told ‘we’re having a difficult time getting out of the house, will have to do another day.’ Nope.

honeyrider · 14/02/2023 00:41

QuizzlyBears · 14/02/2023 00:28

You’re right to be annoyed. It fucks me off no end when friends who have children seemingly can’t do anything without it revolving around them or think they are the most tired/hardest working/most exhausted etc etc because they have kids. I drove an hour and a half the other week for a pre planned coffee date with a ‘friend’ who has a 6 month old…sat in costa for an hour whilst I waited and waited to be told ‘we’re having a difficult time getting out of the house, will have to do another day.’ Nope.

That's shocking behaviour.

MeridianB · 14/02/2023 06:12

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. 🌺

This makes their attitude so much worse. I’m amazed you’re out in the world again, but they are questioning why you might be tired or not sleeping, despite knowing this. They should be falling over themselves to support you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/02/2023 06:17

SalviaOfficinalis · 13/02/2023 21:00

I’m not following why she keeps cancelling for sporting events… surely they’re planned in advance?

But YANBU at all.

This. How can she not know there’s going to be a football match? (Or whatever).

OhClunge · 14/02/2023 07:53

Reply , I don't have children by choice but that comment could have really stung if that wasn't the case @B (call her out on it , it's an awful thing to say)
As I said I can't make Wednesday night so what do you both want to do ?
Ball firmly back to them
I'm so sorry about your mum @Imlookingatapicture these are not people I'd want to associate with going forward

Bitofhelpoverhere · 14/02/2023 08:58

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 21:02

Eldest son is very successful at said event - think being picked nationally. So I would have thought plenty of advance warning, but then I'm not a parent so don't know how these things work

If it’s a competition he may not now if he has got through to the next round till he wins the last stage iyswim.

YA still NBU.