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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really fucked off that my time doesn't matter

157 replies

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 20:53

Name changed as outing... hence the terrible user name 🤣

Me: Single no children
Friend A: married with children 9 & 7
Friend B: married with child aged 3

I've arranged with friend (A) a Sunday meet up twice. Paid deposit twice.

First time eldest had sporting event so she cancelled the morning we were due for lunch. Fine, I explained I'd paid deposit, she paid it back straight away.

Rearranged, for last Sunday. Got a message on sat to say son had an event, but 'don't worry I've transferred you deposit'. I turned down a different Friend to attend, it's not really about the £5 deposit....

So I'm a little peeved when she asks if we rearrange can we invite mutual friend (B). Yes, that's fine.

Friend A works part time, friend B SAHM - all live pretty much in same town. I work full time. 2 days a week I'm in the office which is a 2 hour commute each way, train at 6.45 so super early start.

Friends A&B have rearranged for the day I'm in the office, and the next day. So I get in just after 7, I leave the house at 6 the next day. I explained (again) that that is the one day that's not good for me as will be knackered and up early next day.

Friend B - 'haha, you'll be fine. Count yourself lucky you won't be up all night with kids!'

Friend A has responded with a laugh emoji.

O can literally do any other day other than a Wednesday. I feel I've been cancelled on at last minute twice, but 'it's OK I've given you the deposit back'. And now my time is a laughing emoji.

I get that it's more difficult to arrange with kids, I really do. But I feel like they think I have nothing else going on.

AiBU to be quite fecked off at this stage??

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 13/02/2023 22:10

Sorry I meant I WOULDNT arrange a meet up for a date you said you can’t do. You don’t have to justify why you can’t do a date.

And people without children can be tired….bizarre comments on this thread lol (and I have a toddler who still night wakes it doesn’t mean I get to gatekeep being the only tired adult around lol)

Feckingfeck · 13/02/2023 22:13

Purely because you used the term fecked off!

But seriously, i have 2 kids, my best friend has none. I respect her time and it would just be very self centred not too. The last minute cancelling is just rude too. Surely these things dont just pop up over night.

Besides sharing your annoyance and fecked off-ness I dont really have any advice. I mean you could turn them down on account of not respecting your time and say so but that would ultimately impact the friendship so it really matters how much they actually mean as friends.

Original poster
Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 22:15

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2023 22:02

God, I remember the last time I was told at work that I couldn’t possibly be tired as I didn’t have children. Cue a room full of tinkly little laughs from the other smug mums of school age children.

I’m undergoing PTSD therapy, which essentially involves having nightmares during the day as well as at night. I’m also menopausal in my 30s so I don’t sleep properly to begin with, I have a physical disability that wakes me up 8 times a night, and I’m grieving the loss of both parents in an estrangement necessitated by them being abusive alcoholics (see PTSD).

I honestly considered whether it’d be worth getting sacked just to tell them to shut the fuckity fucking bloody fuck up. I didn’t but I kinda wish I had. Of course they didn’t know that because I don’t overshare at work but all the more reason not to apply an arbitrary tiredness threshold based on fecundity.

Smug pricks.

Wee drip feed
My mother took her own life just before Christmas. Friend A has known my family since we were in nursery. She initiated the meetup after mom's funeral

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/02/2023 22:16

Arggh, that must really hurt.
💐

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 22:18

How absolutely dreadful OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

BrutusMcDogface · 13/02/2023 22:19

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

People are allowed to be tired because they’ve been out commuting/working for twelve hours, you know. It’s not just parents who get tired.

Canthave2manycats · 13/02/2023 22:20

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 22:15

Wee drip feed
My mother took her own life just before Christmas. Friend A has known my family since we were in nursery. She initiated the meetup after mom's funeral

Show quote history

Oh god, I am so so sorry!!! These women aren't your friends, sweetheart - they wouldn't treat you like that knowing your circumstances!! Bitches! Love and hugs xx

horriblechristmas2022 · 13/02/2023 22:20

@ShirleyPhallus you sound unspeakably ghastly with your inward eyeroll

BrutusMcDogface · 13/02/2023 22:20

Fuck, sorry, just read your post OP. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, and in such a horrible way. “Friend” A is no friend at all! 💐

ArnoldBee · 13/02/2023 22:21

In future just say I can't do that night and don't mention the commute. Fundamentally it doesn't matter why you can't make it.

Blip · 13/02/2023 22:23

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Text them "As I've said, Thursdays don't work for me, can you suggest another day of the week that you can both make?"

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/02/2023 22:23

I'm so sorry about your mum. I can imagine that you were hoping for a bit more sensitivity and care from your friends at this time and totally understand why you're feeling the way you do. It sounds like they are still very much caught up in their own issues and not thinking about it from your perspective.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/02/2023 22:23

I have a friend who constantly cancels due to childcare falling through

(I’m a parent of adult children). I feel a bit miffed now and cancel her too. YANBU

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/02/2023 22:25

I am so very sorry @Imlookingatapicture - I can’t imagine what you’re going through but it must be agonising. Surround yourself with good people and be kind to yourself. Don’t waste a second more energy on these ridiculous “friends”. Sending strength. 🌸

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 22:25

horriblechristmas2022 · 13/02/2023 22:20

@ShirleyPhallus you sound unspeakably ghastly with your inward eyeroll

It’s just my opinion, it’s fine to disagree with it but no need to make personal comments at me.

@Imlookingatapicture really sorry about your mum, that must have been tough

mommatoone · 13/02/2023 22:26

Op you're not explaining it wrong at all! You are allowed to be tired, kids or no kids. I think they are taking the piss to be honest and i understand why you would feel that way. You dont have to work around your 'mum' friends, it goes both ways.your time is important too x

MiddleParking · 13/02/2023 22:27

Sorry but even if we accept the premise of competitive parental tiredness, you’re not exactly going to podium in it as a SAHM to one 3yo and certainly not as a part timer with a 9 and a 7 year old Hmm they sound like a pair of boring rude bastards.

mynameiscalypso · 13/02/2023 22:28

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

Meh. DH and I used to get up much earlier and go to bed much later pre-kids than we do now with a 3.5 year old:

Fraaahnces · 13/02/2023 22:29

I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I’d ask why their time was more valuable than yours and explain that using your mum’s death as an excuse to catch up and then minimising your very valid reasons for requesting a change of day when they had cancelled on you at the last minute was not just insensitive but downright rude. Maybe they were deliberately spelling out that they wanted to meet up without you and wanted you to take the hint permanently.
Pricks.

Enko · 13/02/2023 22:30

Imlookingatapicture · 13/02/2023 21:09

I might have phrased that wrong.

It's not that I don't appreciate how tiring it is with a young child, it's that this is the only night of the week I have asked that we don't plan things due to my schedule.

I'm explaining it wrong again :( ..... but they have another 6 nights to chose from

Show quote history

You didn't phrase it wrong OP. As a mother of 4, I have been as tired with children sick/not sleeping well as I have been after studying and working hard.. Different types of tired but the intensity is the same.
Also the most tired I ever was was the morning I found out my mother had died. I had slept 8 hours that night.

IMO just reply "like I said I cant do that day can we organise a time we all are available"

YouTarzan · 13/02/2023 22:32

Then they're being all the more insensitive!

MrsAnon6 · 13/02/2023 22:40

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

How unbelievably rude. Parents don’t have the monopoly on tiredness, anyone can be shattered after a tough day regardless of what they’ve been doing.

Binglebong · 13/02/2023 22:53

She may have paid her deposit but did she pay yours? Because you'll be down a fiver for not going too.

PatientZorro · 13/02/2023 22:54

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

Ok, just as long as you realise that most people will be eye rolling right back at you for your ridiculous gatekeeping over which people are allowed to be tired. After all, you know absolutely nothing about the poor knackered sod who you are merrily rolling your eyes at….

Rachaelrachael · 13/02/2023 22:54

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2023 21:03

You’re right to be annoyed, your time is just as important as someone with kids

But I would roll my eyes a bit at someone without children saying how tired they are from an early start. Know your audience!

I've been the single person working working long days in a corporate job. I'm now a SAHM with 2 under 4 (who don't sleep) and I can honestly say it was way more tiring working! The commute, early starts and long stressful days were so much more tiring