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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should stop recommending adoption as solution to infertility?

137 replies

Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:19

DP and I spent last year TTC before finding out he has male factor fertility issues that will make it impossible for us to conceive without donor sperm. Every single time I try to talk about this with a friend or family or post online to try to get support I'm met with people telling me to adopt as if it's the simplest and most straightforward solution in the world. I have huge respect for people who feel that adoption is the right choice for them, but there seems to be so little understanding of why it might not be the right choice for everyone – and certainly not a solution for infertility. It's posted numerous times on every infertility post on MN – and while I'm sure it's well meaning it seems to 99% of the time come from people who aren't going through infertility struggles themselves and haven't gone through the adoption process (they know a friend who it worked out for etc). I know that for many people it does work out – and that is great, there are obviously many children in need of a loving home. But to just recommend it to anyone going through infertility seems really insensitive and an inappropriate suggestion for both the adults involved and potentially the children. I'm sorry if this is coming across as a bit unhinged but I'm just so, so frustrated by it and need to know if it is actually a really inappropriate thing to say or if I'm being unreasonable as I know my MH is suffering dealing with infertility right now.

OP posts:
Bitofhelpoverhere · 13/02/2023 17:22

YANBU.

Everyone has heard of adoption so it’s obvious something you would be aware of, so no need for others to ‘helpfully’ suggest it.

It’s more about them wanting to have something to say to ‘solve’ the problem, rather than sitting back and listening.

Dragonlady3 · 13/02/2023 17:25

Totally agree. It usually comes from people who had exactly the number of kids they wanted at exactly the time and never considered adoption themselves at any point.

IPokeBadgers · 13/02/2023 17:26

I am sorry for your troubles. Been there, totally hear what you are saying.

I'm a few years out the other side of it all now but I was asked more times than I care to admit by well meaning friends if we would consider adoption.

Unfortunately it is one of those things.... Unless/until personally affected by infertility, people just have no clue as to just how f**king inappropriate it is to suggest adoption as a solution.

It is inappropriate and YANBU to feel the way you do about it.

Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:26

@Bitofhelpoverhere I guess it does make sense that friends / family want to have something to say that they think is 'helpful' rather than just listening, but tbh it just makes me feel like I'm being difficult by saying that I don't think it's the right choice for me and DP after having looked into it extensively and read many, many accounts (and I get the feeling that my mum thinks that if I'm not interested in adopting then I just mustn't want children that badly so it's minimising the pain I'm going through).

I honestly don't get the endless posters on MN responding to people going through fertility issues though – honestly, like you say people are aware of adoption and have most likely looked into it. Suggesting it as if it is a novel 'solution' that they couldn't possibly have come up with themselves just seems really patronising to me. sorry if I sound bitter... as I mentioned, MH is suffering and today has been a really bad day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:29

@Dragonlady3 Exactly. And they're suggesting it as if they're coming to the rescue. I find it really insulting tbh.

OP posts:
TwilightSilhouette · 13/02/2023 17:32

It’s dreadful when people do that and it’s always said by people who themselves had their own biological children. Ask them why they didn’t adopt.
Adoption should be a positive choice not a last resort. Adoption is a wonderful thing but not something done without great thought.
I wish you good luck on your journey OP. It took us many years and 4 attempts at ICSI to succeed.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 13/02/2023 17:35

When people close to you are asking if you would consider it, are they trying to suggest it (annoying), or being curious about where you see yourself going (maybe more about wanting to understand whether you see a way forward a different way, or whether your fertility difficulties represent your only chance of a family)

KittyWithStripes · 13/02/2023 17:35

YANBU.

The level of ignorance is staggering. People honestly think that lots of the children up for adoption in this country are sweet, lovely babies.

They are not. There are fuck all sweet lovely babies.

Instead there are countless thousands of children of various ages, but mostly over 3, from horrifically damaging traumatic backgrounds, who've had an awful start in life and who are extremely likely to have a range of health, developmental and psychological issues. These children need seriously experienced, resilient parents who are willing to fight for the help these children need (a full time job in itself and a shit one), and then work with the army of specialists that these children need. Social workers, psychologists, the works. The sort of people who are good at this are NOT necessarily a young couple still hoping for a sweet lovely baby. They have every right to hope for a baby of their own... and it's such a long road from there, to being ready and able to take on a foster child (or children) with a view to adopting them. You're not raising a baby, you're helping a child through the care system. And let's be brutally honest, much of the time these children aren't going to have sterling life outcomes no matter what you do, because they have been so damaged by the horrible things life threw at them, and the Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and other serious health problems that are distressingly common.

The Venn diagram of "children up for adoption" and "infertile couples" has bugger all crossover if you ask me.

Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:35

@TwilightSilhouette we're trying to work out if ICSI is an option for us... it's not looking promising though and DP hates the idea of going through the medical investigations. I'm at breaking point right now, and coming across this suggestion yet again has just tipped me over the edge.. I'm so glad your journey ended happily x

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 17:36

I agree. And it’s even worse if they phrase it “can’t you just adopt?” As if just adopting is like selecting the child you want and popping it in a shopping trolley. Simples.
Good luck with your fertility treatment. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn, but you might want to think hard about who you tell. Some people are astonishingly judgemental about this, and some have the most bizarre and offensive opinions about any form of assisted conception.

Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:37

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox unfortunately it's definitely the former... and then there's the shock and surprise when I say it's not for me, swiftly followed by the assumption that I must not want children that badly after all.. I'm finding it really difficult to deal with.. especially when it's coming from people who I thought would be more understanding.

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 13/02/2023 17:37

I agree and it’s nothing to do with genetics.

Most people don’t understand how adoption works these days. Any adoption service says very quickly that it is not a solution to infertility and is a very different process - so don’t do it for that reason.

gabsdot45 · 13/02/2023 17:38

YANBU.
I'm an adoptive parent . Same story as you actually, MFI. for us adoption was the solution but it wasn't easy and is definitely not for everyone.
If I had a pound for every story I've heard about someone's postman's sister inlaw who xxxxx and then had a baby or adopted a baby I'd be very well off indeed.
I feel for you. Infertility is sh&t.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 13/02/2023 17:38

Yanbu. At all.

RosaBonheur · 13/02/2023 17:40

YANBU.

It's ignorant and offensive.

Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:40

@KittyWithStripes Exactly this. And the people suggesting it have never even remotely thought about adoption beyond a basic understanding of the concept. I'm sure most people struggling with infertility have done extensive research into the realities of what it means to adopt (I know we have) and I just find it offensive to have it suggested as an "easy solution".

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/02/2023 17:41

Adoption should always be for the child and should always recognise that it is rooted deeply in trauma and loss. People who suggest this flippantly do not understand Adoption. There's also many other ways to support a child that can actually be better for them long term such as fostering until they're old enough to decide they want to be adopted legally into your family or until their biological family have had the chance to change things they maybe need to change. Sponsoring a child to stay with their family so poverty isn't the reason they go into care for example. It's normal and natural to need to grieve the concept of carrying a biological child and giving birth etc and if you were assessed for adoption they would expect you to have processed that grief because it is harder than people give it credit. You are not being unreasonable

BluebellBlueballs · 13/02/2023 17:41

KittyWithStripes · 13/02/2023 17:35

YANBU.

The level of ignorance is staggering. People honestly think that lots of the children up for adoption in this country are sweet, lovely babies.

They are not. There are fuck all sweet lovely babies.

Instead there are countless thousands of children of various ages, but mostly over 3, from horrifically damaging traumatic backgrounds, who've had an awful start in life and who are extremely likely to have a range of health, developmental and psychological issues. These children need seriously experienced, resilient parents who are willing to fight for the help these children need (a full time job in itself and a shit one), and then work with the army of specialists that these children need. Social workers, psychologists, the works. The sort of people who are good at this are NOT necessarily a young couple still hoping for a sweet lovely baby. They have every right to hope for a baby of their own... and it's such a long road from there, to being ready and able to take on a foster child (or children) with a view to adopting them. You're not raising a baby, you're helping a child through the care system. And let's be brutally honest, much of the time these children aren't going to have sterling life outcomes no matter what you do, because they have been so damaged by the horrible things life threw at them, and the Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and other serious health problems that are distressingly common.

The Venn diagram of "children up for adoption" and "infertile couples" has bugger all crossover if you ask me.

No, it probably once did in the pre abortion / contraceptive pill era (so pre late 60s) when for an infertile couple there would be sufficient sweet lovely babies from unmarried mothers.

But that was 60+ years ago so a very outdated concept now.

User4873628 · 13/02/2023 17:43

Everyone has an opinion on someone else's infertility, its weird. I dont know why so many people feel they have the right to comment on such a personal issue.

And their comments are usually just empty platitudes about adopting or reducing stress or losing weight or their friend who stopped trying and suddenly got pregnant.

I'm sorry op. It's really shit.

I agree with a pp, choose carefully who you share with. You shouldn't have to, you should be able to count on your friends tact and support. But so often you can't.

Bingowingo · 13/02/2023 17:44

I’m an adopter. You are definitely not being unreasonable! I would never say it to anyone struggling with infertility. The first thing you have to do as an adopter is to come to terms with the difference between having children by birth and by adoption. When people say it, however well meaning, they are minimising your need and massively minimising the needs of children seeking adoption.

RobinRobinMouse · 13/02/2023 17:46

I was adopted and used to help with a charity who support adopting couples. I can see where you are coming from and think it must be really hard to hear repeatedly as though you've never heard of it. I believe adoption is a brilliant thing and know many families who have adopted babies and children and it is often hugely positive for everyone. However I don't think it should be seen as a second best option for those who can't have their own. It should be seen as an option in its own right rather than a tentatively and poorly timed suggestion to someone struggling.

CatsEatDogs · 13/02/2023 17:46

KittyWithStripes · 13/02/2023 17:35

YANBU.

The level of ignorance is staggering. People honestly think that lots of the children up for adoption in this country are sweet, lovely babies.

They are not. There are fuck all sweet lovely babies.

Instead there are countless thousands of children of various ages, but mostly over 3, from horrifically damaging traumatic backgrounds, who've had an awful start in life and who are extremely likely to have a range of health, developmental and psychological issues. These children need seriously experienced, resilient parents who are willing to fight for the help these children need (a full time job in itself and a shit one), and then work with the army of specialists that these children need. Social workers, psychologists, the works. The sort of people who are good at this are NOT necessarily a young couple still hoping for a sweet lovely baby. They have every right to hope for a baby of their own... and it's such a long road from there, to being ready and able to take on a foster child (or children) with a view to adopting them. You're not raising a baby, you're helping a child through the care system. And let's be brutally honest, much of the time these children aren't going to have sterling life outcomes no matter what you do, because they have been so damaged by the horrible things life threw at them, and the Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and other serious health problems that are distressingly common.

The Venn diagram of "children up for adoption" and "infertile couples" has bugger all crossover if you ask me.

This

QueenCamilla · 13/02/2023 17:47

I don't think you should adopt, not in your situation. But I think you projecting your frustration/sadness quite a bit.

I hope your partner will "come round" in time and save you unnecessary suffering.

Original poster
Coffeefig · 13/02/2023 17:49

@RobinRobinMouse thank you for sharing. I completely agree that adoption should be something entered into because a couple wants to adopt and feels equipped to take on the challenges specific to adoption because it is something they want to do. It's not a bandaid for infertility.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 17:50

Yanbu x