to think people should stop recommending adoption as solution to infertility?

[Coffeefig]

DP and I spent last year TTC before finding out he has male factor fertility issues that will make it impossible for us to conceive without donor sperm. Every single time I try to talk about this with a friend or family or post online to try to get support I'm met with people telling me to adopt as if it's the simplest and most straightforward solution in the world. I have huge respect for people who feel that adoption is the right choice for them, but there seems to be so little understanding of why it might not be the right choice for everyone – and certainly not a solution for infertility. It's posted numerous times on every infertility post on MN – and while I'm sure it's well meaning it seems to 99% of the time come from people who aren't going through infertility struggles themselves and haven't gone through the adoption process (they know a friend who it worked out for etc). I know that for many people it does work out – and that is great, there are obviously many children in need of a loving home. But to just recommend it to anyone going through infertility seems really insensitive and an inappropriate suggestion for both the adults involved and potentially the children. I'm sorry if this is coming across as a bit unhinged but I'm just so, so frustrated by it and need to know if it is actually a really inappropriate thing to say or if I'm being unreasonable as I know my MH is suffering dealing with infertility right now.

There harsh reality for many couples is that they will be unable to conceive. There is now a whole industry (usually private) offering many services to couples which can lead to "false hope" not to mention the considerable expense. Prof Robert Winston has spoken on this at length.
Adoption is a realistic alternative for many couples and is seen as being overwhelmingly positive for both parents and child.
People who suggest this are not being callous or unthoughtful, it's a reasonable suggestion.

@Elvis1956 I'm so sorry you have been through similar struggles. This is how I feel also, I just don't think we are prepared to take on those challenges and heartache and it would be unfair to pretend that we were.

I’m really, really sorry you’re going through it. It’s utter shite and there aren’t any platitudes or solutions - the only way out is through. You’re not alone though, I can tell you that.

Yes, op, it’s totally inappropriate. Unfortunately, many people who have not had to deal with infertility, have a sentimental and unrealistic view of adoption. Yes, many adopted children do well in their new homes, but many never get over the early trauma and neglect.

I would have liked people to say "I'm sorry, that sounds tough." So...I'm sorry, OP. That sounds tough. I spoke to a good counsellor at one point (and a truly shit one). But the good one was such a relief to unload to.

@Jackofallsorts Can I ask where you're getting your information on adoption being "overwhelmingly positive"? Have you personally been through the adoption process? Genuinely interested, as a lot of the experiences I have read and know of are quite challenging. I'm sure that if you are equipped to take on those challenges it can be a rewarding experience, but if you're not then I'm not sure I agree that adoption is a reasonable suggestion as a bandaid to infertility...

Commiserations on finding yourself in this unenviable situation @Coffeefig .
I've been there and surprised myself at how strongly I felt regarding adoption - ie. not what I wanted to do at all.
Prior to experiencing it myself, I too thought "well just adopt" - a whole different perspective when it's your lived experience.

Good luck with whatever path you both choose to take.
It's not easy.

I wish MNers would say at the beginning - please don’t give me any advice or solutions as I don’t want any and I just want to vent

I did this. I started a thread on Christmas day ranting about infertility. You can AS it if you want.

I was perfectly clear in my opening post that I didn't want advice, I just wanted to rage to the world about failing to conceive for the 5th year in a row. I even said it several times throughout the thread that i just wanted a sounding board, so please don't offer advice.

Did that stop people wading in with "you could adopt", "have you been to the doctor to ask about xyx?", "Lose weight."Don't think about it just have fun"?

Did it fuck. I still got posters coming onto the thread to tell me IVF worked for them, when I made it clear Ivf and adoptions were not suitable options for me. One poster was even very rude about my weight and would not let it drop.

But the posts that annoyed and upset me the most were the ones telling me, " This was me last Christmas, now this Christmas I'm holding my new baby", "I struggled for years too but now I have my precious DD" etc.

Very unhelpful and very insensitive.

If you speak to someone about a problem, chances are they’re going to try and come up with solutions.

Often, I didn’t speak to people about secondary infertility; but it would come up in the course of conversation that we had a son. Then we’d get comments like:

”you need to get on home and provide him with sibling…”

We’d murmur

”well it’s not that easy!

They’d say

”Oh what you need is to relax - go on holiday!

When I said

Well, actually I’ve had 4 miscarriages and about 5 early pregnancy losses!”

They were embarrassed - but I didn’t bring the subject up in the first place. I found it unbelievable how many people felt they could give us advice, just because we had one child!

@Phineyj thank you. that is exactly what I was hoping people like my mum and close friends would say.

May I ask where you found your good therapist? I have spoken to one on a helpline who just made me feel worse about everything, and had three sessions with one who didn't make me feel worse but also didn't help – it was just like speaking into a mirror and paying (a lot) for the privilege... I found both experiences emotionally exhausting and know I need to speak to someone but can't face going through explaining everything again to someone who isn't going to help..

Before IVF was discovered adoption was often the only answer after all fertility options were exhausted, now there are so many different methods & also the research in to infetility means that what would have been a zero chance of pregnancy 50 years ago may now have a good chance of pregnancy now.

I'm an adoptive parent and I do agree with you, but also it's a bit of a myth that most adopted children these days are over 3 and extremely damaged. I know many recent adopters whose child was placed around age 1, as well as some from birth and some older. My own DS was under a year old when we were matched. He has some challenges of course, but mostly anxiety and some minor medical issues, his behaviour is fine.

I think I was just lucky tbh. I googled and found one I liked the look of. I sympathise though -- DH and I were sent to one (by the NHS) who was so awful she shouldn't have been practising.

Now a lot of them will counsel online, maybe it's worth posting on the infertility board here and asking for recommendations?

I will also see if I can find the company I used, but it was 10+ years ago.

Genuinely interested, as a lot of the experiences I have read and know of are quite challenging. I'm sure that if you are equipped to take on those challenges it can be a rewarding experience,

I wholeheartedly agree that adoption isn’t a bandaid for infertility - kids needing adoption deserve much better than that.

It is challenging, you’re loving and caring for a child you don’t know and you don’t have pregnancy hormones to help with that adjustment to parenthood. And yes, some children needing adoption have significant challenges and as is the case for all children with additional needs, support is pretty scarce and hard fought for.

I don’t consider adoption a “rewarding experience” any more than any other parent does. It’s life changing, my kids bring a joy and depth of love that is indescribable, I love them with every fibre of my being. Any challenges they have are just part of the little people they are, and we deal with them as any family would.

It’s hard thinking in abstract about taking unknown children into your heart, loving them and caring for them. It’s easy to look at their background and see the difficulties but there are huge potentials there too. I’m not doing them a service being their parent, I am their parent in every sense of the word, they’re my own kids and any challenges that come along are just part and parcel of family life.

Adoption isn’t an answer to infertility- it’s a wonderful, unique way to create a family.

It might be seen as ‘overwhelmingly positive’

It absolutely doesn’t turn out that way for many and prospective adopters need to go into it with their eyes wide open.

@Coffeefig
I'm not sure why my response needs to be verified by personal experience. Adoption can be very challenging - just like natural parenting is challenging at times. But adoption is not for everyone and is not an "answer" to fertility issues and should not be presented as one. It's an alternative for some people.
And yes I can draw on personal experience of both fertility issues and adoption in a personal and professional capacity.

People can suggest whatever solutions they wish. You are free to reject any suggestions as you wish. But you don't get to police people's responses. You do not have that right or power.

Sorry OP, looks like at some point I deleted emails that were 10+ years old.

But do keep looking. It needs to be the right fit.

@Chenford
Adoption is a rigorous and very involved process (thanks fully). I can't imagine any adult goes through it with out being very cognisant of the downside and upsides. It's a key part of the preparation.
It doesn't work out for everyone but thankfully for the majority this is not the case.

I realise it very unhelpful and hurtful when people say just adopt. But people do the same for most problems others have, although the solution is different. It seems to be human nature to want to solve problems. You know people suggesting changing your diet to cure a very disabling illness because great aunt Maude stopped eating anything from the potato family and could swing from the chandeliers once again. It would be comical if one’s self esteem wasn’t so battered.
I don’t think it’s meant ever in a hurtful way but it does hurt because there’s no easy answer and one’s life is out of step with the majority of peoples and they can comprehend it.

Another thought -- OP, you may find you get understanding in places you don't expect. Just because people are your relations/closest friends doesn't mean they're the ones.

I confided in a friend from my choir. She has suffered many difficulties in her life and tactless people suggesting simplistic solutions.

She was so kind and helpful.

If you reflect on the people you know, there will be others "on the outside" of the mainstream through no fault of their own. They will get it.

I know it’s a rigorous and involved process.…. I’ve done it.

How are you defining ‘work out’?

@Chenford
Defined as "not fail".

You previously said "Adoption is a realistic alternative for many couples and is seen as being overwhelmingly positive for both parents and child."

This is very different from what you have just said above... I was asking where you got the understanding of it being "overwhelmingly positive" as that is quite a sweeping statement and you made no mentions of the specific challenges it poses.

Of course, "natural parenting" is also challenging – but there are specific challenges with adoption that need to be addressed and the process needs to be entered into with a realistic understanding of those challenges (which many PP with much more experience than myself have detailed)

@Phineyj thank you so much for looking for me. I think I will give it another go – and posting on the infertility board for recommendations is a good suggestion x