to think people should stop recommending adoption as solution to infertility?

[Coffeefig]

DP and I spent last year TTC before finding out he has male factor fertility issues that will make it impossible for us to conceive without donor sperm. Every single time I try to talk about this with a friend or family or post online to try to get support I'm met with people telling me to adopt as if it's the simplest and most straightforward solution in the world. I have huge respect for people who feel that adoption is the right choice for them, but there seems to be so little understanding of why it might not be the right choice for everyone – and certainly not a solution for infertility. It's posted numerous times on every infertility post on MN – and while I'm sure it's well meaning it seems to 99% of the time come from people who aren't going through infertility struggles themselves and haven't gone through the adoption process (they know a friend who it worked out for etc). I know that for many people it does work out – and that is great, there are obviously many children in need of a loving home. But to just recommend it to anyone going through infertility seems really insensitive and an inappropriate suggestion for both the adults involved and potentially the children. I'm sorry if this is coming across as a bit unhinged but I'm just so, so frustrated by it and need to know if it is actually a really inappropriate thing to say or if I'm being unreasonable as I know my MH is suffering dealing with infertility right now.

YANBU at all
It's a stupid thoughtless suggestion.

It is people offering a solution when they have opened a thread about someone not being happy for their friends falling pregnant. Whilst it is not helpful it just feels like a sentence filler.

In fact I had a conversation with a friend about this recently. She had no idea that there aren’t lots of lovely newborns out there to adopt. I’m sure there are some but the reality is that a lot of unwanted pregnancies are ended via abortion now, so lots of children needing to be adopted are older and or suffered trauma of some kind. It’s not as simple as adopting a newborn and bringing them up. As said upthread, adopting can be a lot more challenging than this.

@Logburnerperils but why do they need to comment? do they think that the OP has never heard of adoption before? It's not like anyone is forcing these people to post on MN... I don't get it.

The infertility board was hidden from Active because of all the 'just adopt' and 'IVF is selfish/waste of NHS resources' comments that would be littered on threads that appeared there by posters who, of course, had children. I believe the Adoption board is hidden for similar reasons. I joined MN for the infertility board but left for a while after being jumped on by posters like that.

It’s ridiculous. Stupid to say to those struggling with infertility and quite offensive to those who have adopted/are adopted.

@QueenCamilla your "come round in time" also sounds like a very clueless comment, using donor sperm or eggs is not a walk in the park either.

But back to OP you are right, it's wholly inappropriate to suggest adoption is the solution to infertility, bingo bango job done.
It's not the solution for us at all and I say it's because it wouldn't be fair on the child, that bit is not about us.
Regarding your DH, perhaps seek an opinion from a good urologist (Dr Jonathan Ramsay) for a realistic, informed discussion and take it from there.

Instead there are countless thousands of children of various ages, but mostly over 3, from horrifically damaging traumatic backgrounds, who've had an awful start in life and who are extremely likely to have a range of health, developmental and psychological issues.

There are less than three thousand adoptions in the UK per year, so not remotely countless of children, and the average age of children at adoption is 3 years 3 months, so not mostly over 3 by any means. And the difficulties they face exist on a spectrum, the majority of adopted children do well in an adoptive family setting despite early adversity.

It’s fine to have views about adoption, but at least base them in reality.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to hear when you’re struggling with fertility.

But people aren’t being deliberately hurtful. The majority of people don’t have fertility issues or experience of adoption. They’re ignorant to the realities of both scenarios. They probably just say the first thing that comes into their head, out of not knowing what to say. Similarly to how people say stupid shit when someone dies.

I genuinely think some people can't help themselves and think they have to say something on any thread they open.

I’m adopted, but I have 3 DC and can understand the feeling of, “I want MY baby, not A baby”. It’s not going to be for everyone and it shouldn’t be assumed to be.

I agree with posters saying it’s people trying to help, offer a solution, meaning well. nothing malicious just not thought through at all well.

Really sorry to hear that. 😔
Leaving you having to explain that adoption is a completely different prospect and detracting from the issue at hand which is your personal tragedy. 😢

@HeyMona yes, I don't know if donor sperm is the right option for us either... DP is very opposed to it, and I'm unsure about it too as I would want to be 100% certain there wouldn't be adverse implications for any potential child. Unfortunately, Dr. Jonathan Ramsay is currently unwell and not taking on new patients. We are in touch with someone that was recommended through his practice – although DP is quite resistant to the idea of exploring what the issues are which I'm finding difficult to deal with. He just wants to bury his head in the sand.

Exactly. This.
I always ask them why they never adopted!

We tried to adopt.

Like most others who apply to adopt, we were unsuccessful. In fact, the success rate for those who can’t adopt is higher than the success rate for having biological children - so it is rather odd that people assume that being able to adopt is a choice you can just go to if you can’t conceive. Statistically, you’re less likely to be successful!

Additionally, they are not the same. Adopting a child and having a biological child are not the same - it’s not the same process to “get” the child and it’s not the same situation once you have them. It’s apples and oranges. One is not a replacement for the other.

The adoption process is horrible. It’s fucking horrible. It’s nasty, it’s judgemental and (in my opinion) entirely arbitrary bullshit. There’s no transparency, no honesty, no genuine assessment at all. It’s just as random as biology when it comes to who gets approved and who doesn’t - in our group, no one was successful and I don’t think any of the reasons given were genuine or valid…but they have to look like they’re being selective.

Adoption is not and will not ever be an alternative to having biological children. It’s something that some people come to want after accepting their infertility. Anyone suggesting it, especially suggesting to “just adopt” is ignorant beyond all hope.

@Merkins I do very much want to experience pregnancy and have a child that shares my and DP's genetics, but it's not actually the main reason that I don't feel adoption is for us. It's more to do with what PP have said about the specific challenges of adoption today – I think people who adopt need to really be ready to face those challenges and be realistic about them or it's just unfair to the child.

YANBU. It's a glib, thoughtless response invariably from people who had no trouble conceiving.

Its not inappropriate no, lots of people adopt due to infertility, its a likely option. Maybe you're sensitive to it because you feel guilt in some way that you've no interest in considering it.

What would you prefer your family or friends say in response to you opening up about infertility? Obviously "I'm very sorry to hear that" but beyond that? "Are you thinking of ivf?" To which you reply that complicated not sure if it's possible even then ... now what does someone say? They mean well, it's an amazing way to create a family - yes many of the youngsters in the care system are older, others have significant problems due to their start in life but not all, most kids adopted are younger too. Insensitive yes, well meaning also yes.

I have friends childless due to infertility and they are now considering adopting, it's 8 years since they last had ivf and they now are in a different place financially, one can stay home and are ready for the challenge

@WinterFoxes it's the whole attitude of "Oh, but have you thought about adoption??" as if it's something I've never heard of and they've just solved all my problems... as many PP have said, I'm guessing that most people who suggest it have never actually looked at the realities of adoption today. After looking into it it extensively, I have so much respect for people who take on the adoption / care system – it seems like a brutal process.

I understand that. I was adopted as a newborn in the 70s when women were pretty much forced to give their babies up and the adoption process probably had little regard for child safeguarding. It’s much more complex these days and, as others have said, she will get a damaged child not a baby. I feel desperately sorry for the kids who need homes and I’m enormously grateful that I was born when I was in some ways.

YADNBU. Adoption isn't like popping down the the nearest cats' or dogs' home and picking a baby you quite like the look of, or flicking through a catalogue with pictures & descriptions of them.

It's a ridiculous statement and there really isn't any 'they meant well' excuse. Certainly not in the 21st century.

Yes!!!! It's so intrusive and insensitive. It's also very difficult to actually do on a number of levels. No idea what people are thinking when they put it out there just in case you haven't thought of it.

Why would you feel guilty? Do you think anyone else with biological kids feels guilty they didn’t adopt kids instead?

It is inappropriate. It’s thoughtless and stupid.