to think people should stop recommending adoption as solution to infertility?

[Coffeefig]

DP and I spent last year TTC before finding out he has male factor fertility issues that will make it impossible for us to conceive without donor sperm. Every single time I try to talk about this with a friend or family or post online to try to get support I'm met with people telling me to adopt as if it's the simplest and most straightforward solution in the world. I have huge respect for people who feel that adoption is the right choice for them, but there seems to be so little understanding of why it might not be the right choice for everyone – and certainly not a solution for infertility. It's posted numerous times on every infertility post on MN – and while I'm sure it's well meaning it seems to 99% of the time come from people who aren't going through infertility struggles themselves and haven't gone through the adoption process (they know a friend who it worked out for etc). I know that for many people it does work out – and that is great, there are obviously many children in need of a loving home. But to just recommend it to anyone going through infertility seems really insensitive and an inappropriate suggestion for both the adults involved and potentially the children. I'm sorry if this is coming across as a bit unhinged but I'm just so, so frustrated by it and need to know if it is actually a really inappropriate thing to say or if I'm being unreasonable as I know my MH is suffering dealing with infertility right now.

YANBU. I say this as someone who went through infertility treatment, ultimately unsuccessfully. So I know how it feels.

I also later adopted. No, it isn't a solution to infertility. It was a journey for me to accept my infertility and then decide adoption was the right choice. Which it definitely has been, despite the difficulties. My youngest will be 18 in a few months.

However, a lot of people who adopt, possibly the majority, ARE people who have been through infertility. (I have known many many adopters over the past 20 years.) That doesn't make it the right, or even obvious, choice for most infertile couples.

I would stick to “infertility boards” where you are less likely to get bingo board responses. But the main issue you have here is your partner’s reluctance to look into solutions.

I once blurted this out to a friend who was suffering multiple miscarriages and felt like an utter twat as soon as I had said it. It was a knee jerk- like I could feel her pain and wanted to offer a solution 🙄🙄 so ridiculous I know. You are definitely not being unreasonable; I think people want to help but just put their foot in it. Best thing is for people to educate themselves about fertility beforehand so they don’t just jump in a say something stupid in the moment like I did 😩☹️

❤️ this is true

@Coffeefig

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, I hope that you and your DH find a way forward which is right for you.
To suggest any guilt at feeling adoption is not for you is totally unacceptable.

But there is so much rubbish spouted on this thread. As always @Jellycatspyjamas says it far more eloquently than I can.
But I will add - my son is not 'damaged' he is perfect. He has barely had a days ill health in the last 10 years. There has been no ''army" of specialists in our lives. Yes we have had some serious challenges, yes he had theraputic input, but it's fading into history. To be honest the key influences and support in his life has come from his utterly amazing teachers, scouts and many individuals who didnt write him off as damaged but who believed in him, supported him and encouraged his self belief that he could achieve.
When he came to me age 8 I thought GCSEs would be a stretch. In October he is off to university. I know many young adopted people like him, going to university, college, apprenticeships, talented artists and musicians, holding down jobs and building their own families.

@prinny - it's every child's right to know where they came from, to be curious and want to meet birth relatives. It doesn't mean that they are going to leave their adoptive family. I'm quite happy to support my son if he wants to.see his birth parents. He knows where they are - he chooses not to engage.

Great to hear from those who have adopted children, with fantastic outcomes for the parents and children.
so sorry that you’re in this situation op, I totally get where you’re coming from and I really hope that things go well for you, whether that be with children or without

One of my adopted daughters met up with her birth family at 18. It was worrying for us but our relationship did not change.

The thrill gradually wore off, on both sides. She does not get on with her birth mother. She prerred some of the other family members but hasn't seen them much in the past year or so.

Soon after meeting them, 4 years ago now, she told us we were her family.

Our other child has made contact online with her birth family. She might meet them, or some of them, one day. But I can't imagine she won't still he part of our family.

@Coffeefig

YANBU. On a tangent, and apologies in advance if you have already been down this route, but if your DP is not keen to have medical investigations at the moment, have you looked into other things he might be able to do - for example, nutritional supplements and lifestyle changes? I know from personal experience that there are things you can try which can make a difference. There is quite a bit of info out there to do your own research, or you could book time with a qualified nutritional therapist privately. The website forum Fertility Friends is also a good source of info and support.

@Redbushteaforme unfortunately the nature of the issue means lifestyle changes wouldn't make a difference - there is zero sperm (azoospermia) so there is nothing there to “improve”. Any hope that we would be able to conceive without a donor would involve surgical intervention and ICSI / IVF - and even then there is not a lot of hope given the nature of the issue. I would like for him to at least get the initial scans so that we know if surgical intervention is a possibility.

YANBU.
People are just stupid. Lots of people have the reasoning and thinking skills of a 5yo.

Hi again op. Not wanting to offer solutions but if you can it's worth ruling out a varicocele. This can be relatively easy to fix - my DP had one and a small op to fix.

@Particularprick thank you – but as mentioned several times, DP is not wanting to make an appointment or get medical procedures done at this point. There are also pre-existing medical conditions that make it unlikely that it's a simple fix.