Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

This screams that your issue is with the new partner "being prioritised"
Absolutely is jealousy, no one can get this worked up over sheets not being changed!
Kids are fine on their tablets, more than likely just chilling, when the girlfriend goes home, they can do something with dad?
Non issue, you sound toxic

Your life will be happier if you don't sweat the small stuff.

If my 12yo was whinging that he was bored having a quiet day at his grandparents house I would wonder what kind of rude brat I'd raised tbh.

What if he's had a wank in there, and my son is sleeping on crusty jizz???

What if he scratched his arsehole and my kid is sleeping in a bed with skidmarks?

It only takes one night of other people's bodily functions in bed to be deemed unsanitary, imo.

My 7 year old GS slept on my sofa on Saturday night! Who knew that made me a terrible grandparent.....

PS. He thinks I'm fabulous and sleeping on a sofa is an adventure.

You need to ease up op. Children telling tales like this is a very unattractive trait and you should be discouraging it.

They aren't being if ored by their grandparents. They are staying with them you are projecting your anger at you ex onto your children.

When they are with him he will look after them as he sees fit. You will both have differences in your parenting that will will hate about each other.

Keep your children out of your options you will harm them

People do share double beds right ?? So another persons nighttime detritus (I can’t think of a better word), is in the bed you are sleeping in. Unless you are washing your double sheets on a daily basis, you are always sleeping in
the same sheets someone else has slept in.

i do feel sorry for the kids in this, mainly due to being around such toxicity. OP claims not to be jealous of ex and new GF, but it’s practically leaching out the screen.

Sheets not ideal but honestly I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. As for your comment that no adult would be ok with sheets that had been slept on for one night, I would be absolutely fine with it. And as for the supposedly grubby pillow, can't your 12 yo just turn it over and put his face on the other side if he's so concerned? Honestly I think you need to encourage them to be a bit more resilient.

Blimey I'm with you here! I change sheets for visitors even if they've been slept in once, for example my in laws came to stay unexpectedly one weekend and so we gave up our room, we'd changed the sheets the day before so only slept in for one night but we still washed and changed ready for family. And rather than an uncomfortable sofa, we slept on camping mats on the floor - which are surprisingly comfy and I always recommend to people without space for an airbed or sofa bed!
It's sad that your eldest feels left to parent his younger sister in the absence of dad, or any input from grandparents. Overtired kids are never easy and most parents would actively avoid that situation arising!
Not sure what you can do about it, but I feel for you.

It’s maybe cos people think kids (should) care less? I’ve got a 14 y.o DS and for the reasons cited above I definitely wouldn’t try to put a younger kid in after him if he’d been on the sheets.

Your 12 y.o could change the sheets himself as well, if gran is so ‘busy’ - maybe there’s a reason she can’t provide a change?

If the kid was freaked by the whole thought, as they can be at that age, then I’d 100 % understand. I’d have been more icked out when I was that age than I would be now, provided there was no bogies or drool stains or pubes …or whatever 🤢 I’d just get my head down. On a clean pillowcase!

That said I have never been visiting to an house and been asked to sleep on someone else’s sheets. Dunno what happens when the DC go to sleepovers, never thought to ask. But I’d have said fresh linen is sort of a fundamental when hosting, is it not? (unless the GPs are very frail or ill)

@Dirrrty do you have a job or a hobby?

If my DC were off with the other parent, I would either be working hard without having to worry about childcare OR having a great time doing stuff I wanted to do again without having to worry about childcare.

As PP said The only response is "I'm sure granny loves having you and everyone's doing their best.'

I would be ok with it, not so long ago I used a bed my aunt had slept in the night before, didn't expect the bedding to be changed, didn't even cross my mind tbh, the only time it would is if I knew the person was particularly unhygienic.

Surely its no different to your two children sharing the bed, as you suggested. Is that not the same thing?

I'm amazed some people manage to procreate

I voted YANBU although I couldn't get too worked up about the sheets. Not something I'd be happy with but it could be worse.

However, their grandparents not bothering with them is so sad, especially since they don't see much of them. Downtime is something you have after you've done something. It seems they are not engaging with the kids in any real sense of the word.

I see my granddaughter about once a week and on those days she is my absolute priority. To just leave her on her tablet would seem neglectful to me, unless I absolutely had to do something that couldn't wait.

I don't think it's unusual to to 'share' used bedding within family/close friends. If I stay at my mums for a night she might not change the sheets that night. I've slept in sheets my sister has used. 5 days is quite a stay though so provided I knew it was happening I'd likely put fresh sheets on.
As for sofas, again in my family we've used sofas before and it wouldn't be unusual for a smaller child to have this or a campbed.
Tbf 5 days is too long to 'make do' and their dad is a bit thoughtless making plans without considering sleeping arrangements.
Ultimately it'll be down to the children next time dad says they're all going to Nans (or elsewhere) to check where they'll be sleeping and decide if they wanna go.
The sheets are hardly a safeguarding issue. I bet theyd sleep on cushions on the floor if it was a sleepover with friends, but 5 nights on an uncomfortable sofa is different.

Yanbu it's not nice at all. They haven't just stopped off for a night, grandparents knew they were coming and clean bedding would be top of my list for visiting guest - children or adults!

I would not like to sleep in unwashed bedding, neither would my kids and neither would my grandkids. I think it is awful.

He called me disappointed he was left in the house with nothing to do, when he was told it would be a fun week doing stuff, seeing cousins, going in to town.

A week with me is preferable to them both. I take them places, take their interests into account. He is disappointed he got dragged miles away from home, his friends, our health club (they do swimming, have lots of good stuff happening over half term, tennis club etc), on the promise of the above, yet the cousins have cut down their availability, GPs don't seem bothered, their own father who they only see EOW is not spending quality time with them. They don't even put a nice film on for them - ex fil is watching golf.

Yes, I do think it's shit for them.

You're far too involved in what happens on your ex's time and you should tell the kids only to alert you in an emergency. You do not need to hear every single detail of what happens on his time.

Okay, OP. If you're so freaked out by the bedding situation, how come you think it's acceptable for your children to share a double bed? This is what you've said you'd like them to do tonight.

Given that they are different sexes and ages, how on earth is that remotely acceptable? I find it abhorrent.

Yuk, poor kids. Of course they should expect clean sheets and a proper bed to sleep in! If they don't have enough beds then the children take priority and the GF should have slept downstairs or gone home. If this is a new GF why was she even there when the children are there anyway? All sounds pretty unpleasant for the children.

If it helps, I apply the same standards as an adult.

So many people use disgusting chemical-drenched bedding and scents that I'd actually much prefer secondhand sheets to something that would set off a migraine.

Totally agree.

Either that or like kids raised to be mummy's little prince/princess

It would have been better, yes. Each sleep in their own section of the double bed, night after night.

I'm with you on this one OP. I have an almost 15 year old boy who is generally clean (showers daily, clean clothes etc) but he is so sweaty when he sleeps that his room generally stinks and needs airing out daily and the linens changed more regularly than the rest of the house. You can't compare a teenage boy (all that extra testosterone) with an actual child. I wouldn't sleep in my son's sheets, so I certainly wouldn't ask anyone else to.