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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

526 replies

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:46

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:52

"..............our health club (they do swimming, have lots of good stuff happening over half term, tennis club etc)"

Wow.

bellac11 · 13/02/2023 13:52

ShellsOnTheBeach · 13/02/2023 13:48

I voted YANBU although I couldn't get too worked up about the sheets. Not something I'd be happy with but it could be worse.

However, their grandparents not bothering with them is so sad, especially since they don't see much of them. Downtime is something you have after you've done something. It seems they are not engaging with the kids in any real sense of the word.

I see my granddaughter about once a week and on those days she is my absolute priority. To just leave her on her tablet would seem neglectful to me, unless I absolutely had to do something that couldn't wait.

When I was a kid, being around my grandparents, who were already elderly by then involved sitting with grandad while he smoked his pipe watching the racing or the snooker. Nan would be pottering around with the fire. No internet, no kids tv, didnt take any books or anything. I might run across the road where there was a swing and a slide but they didnt come with me

Other grandparents had a flat, sometimes might potter round the garden with them but other than that it was sitting on the sofa with them.

Never went out or 'did anything' with them but still had a relationship with them and had time with them.. Oh and talking, does anyone remember talking? Does anyone remember kids needing to adapt to their surroundings and appreciate when they were with older people who do things differently and dont necessarily play games?

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:53

Why didn't your son ask his grandfather or father to wash the bedding?

Why did it devolve to his grandmother? Are you raising a child with sexist mores?

Cosyblankets · 13/02/2023 13:53

bellac11 · 13/02/2023 13:52

When I was a kid, being around my grandparents, who were already elderly by then involved sitting with grandad while he smoked his pipe watching the racing or the snooker. Nan would be pottering around with the fire. No internet, no kids tv, didnt take any books or anything. I might run across the road where there was a swing and a slide but they didnt come with me

Other grandparents had a flat, sometimes might potter round the garden with them but other than that it was sitting on the sofa with them.

Never went out or 'did anything' with them but still had a relationship with them and had time with them.. Oh and talking, does anyone remember talking? Does anyone remember kids needing to adapt to their surroundings and appreciate when they were with older people who do things differently and dont necessarily play games?

Show quote history

Love this

MarshaMelrose · 13/02/2023 13:53

I’m shocked that two thirds of voters think used bedding is fine! Is it because in this case it’s about children? I mean would those voting that it’s ok be happy to sleep in used bedding themselves?

It wouldn't bother me to sleep on bedding used by my relatives. I can't think at 12 it would even have made it into my consciousness to check whether sheets had been washed or not.

But that's all by the by. It's a parent's job to teach resilience. So if your child is moaning about something, you'd just tell them they're overreacting and minimise the problem. It definitely reads like the op is looking for ways to complain about her ex and make her children unhappy to be with him.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:53

TheLostGiraffe · 13/02/2023 13:50

Yuk, poor kids. Of course they should expect clean sheets and a proper bed to sleep in! If they don't have enough beds then the children take priority and the GF should have slept downstairs or gone home. If this is a new GF why was she even there when the children are there anyway? All sounds pretty unpleasant for the children.

He's really rushed this relationship. He moved in with her very quickly, too. As he did with me (cocklodger). Which was ok, as neither of us had kids to consider back then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:54

MarshaMelrose · 13/02/2023 13:53

I’m shocked that two thirds of voters think used bedding is fine! Is it because in this case it’s about children? I mean would those voting that it’s ok be happy to sleep in used bedding themselves?

It wouldn't bother me to sleep on bedding used by my relatives. I can't think at 12 it would even have made it into my consciousness to check whether sheets had been washed or not.

But that's all by the by. It's a parent's job to teach resilience. So if your child is moaning about something, you'd just tell them they're overreacting and minimise the problem. It definitely reads like the op is looking for ways to complain about her ex and make her children unhappy to be with him.

I don't think he's overreacting though. I agree it is unsanitary. Apparently, though, he and I are in the minority in Britain. Or at least, on mn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:55

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:53

Why didn't your son ask his grandfather or father to wash the bedding?

Why did it devolve to his grandmother? Are you raising a child with sexist mores?

Lol, always one.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:55

I was born here, but my mother was not. She instilled high hygiene standards in me. By all accounts, she was repulsed by my British father's hygiene standards too, and had to train him up

I am beginning to see where the OP gets her abilities as micromanager from.

SplishSplashIWasTakingABath · 13/02/2023 13:56

It’s gross. Astounded by the vote and those saying it’s ok. Rank people.

TheLostGiraffe · 13/02/2023 13:57

Amazed at the responses you've received here OP.

WhatTrophy · 13/02/2023 13:57

Poor Granny has just got rid of 15yo DGS and now has another two landed on her, but is "fannying around" because she's not being a children's entertainer?

ShellsOnTheBeach · 13/02/2023 13:57

Oh and talking, does anyone remember talking?

But they are ignoring them!!

These kids were promised a fun filled half term and they are sitting on a sofa, surfing on their tablets for literally hours. In whose universe is this acceptable?

Clymene · 13/02/2023 13:58

So you hate your ex, you're pissed off he's in a new relationship and you think your ex ILs are lazy skanks.

We get it.

Unfortunately by passing your attitude onto your children, you're not doing them any favours.

SplishSplashIWasTakingABath · 13/02/2023 13:58

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:55

I was born here, but my mother was not. She instilled high hygiene standards in me. By all accounts, she was repulsed by my British father's hygiene standards too, and had to train him up

I am beginning to see where the OP gets her abilities as micromanager from.

Oh dear. You’ve really got it in for the op, eh.

hardly wrong to want some good hygiene standards.

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:58

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:55

Lol, always one.

Show quote history

Always one?
I cannot be the only person who noticed that your son asked the woman in the house to do the washing, ignoring the two men, who presumably are as capable of washing sheets as the woman.

Sugaspunsista · 13/02/2023 13:58

I would hate to also in a bed that someone else had slept in without the sheets being washed.
I wouldn't expect my children to do the same either

Sugaspunsista · 13/02/2023 13:59

Sleep in I meant

RemoteControlDoobry · 13/02/2023 13:59

I wouldn’t be very bothered about the sheets and it’s quite unusual for a child to notice something like that.

Everything else is really rubbish. I’d be far more bothered about no-one paying any attention to the children and making sure they’re comfortable.

Tinner01 · 13/02/2023 13:59

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:44

What if he's had a wank in there, and my son is sleeping on crusty jizz???

What if he scratched his arsehole and my kid is sleeping in a bed with skidmarks?

It only takes one night of other people's bodily functions in bed to be deemed unsanitary, imo.

Show quote history

Sure, if your son is sleeping in some filth encrusted bed it’s not pleasant, but he’s not.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 13/02/2023 13:59

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:56

Five nights. He usually has them EOW. I don't think much of his parenting.

Show quote history

I'd go and get them.

Rainbowshit · 13/02/2023 13:59

Meh. I couldn't get worked up about the sheet.

Also two adults shouldn't be giving up their bed for a 7year old. Much easier for a 7 year old to manage on the sofa than adults.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 13/02/2023 14:00

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:28

Finally! Some sense!!! Yes!!!

Hm. Interesting re British people. I was born here, but my mother was not. She instilled high hygiene standards in me. By all accounts, she was repulsed by my British father's hygiene standards too, and had to train him up.

Show quote history

You sound like a delight to live with.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:00

Curiosity101 · 13/02/2023 13:02

If your kids have an issue with the arrangement then they're probably old enough now to make their mind up about future visits?

I'd let your ex know the issues, accept that the kids will certainly survive the visit and then ask him if he could improve it next time as it might put the kids off visiting.

Yes. I can't see them wanting to bother going. It's a long trip to get there, too, and if they are going to be treated lol Ike this, I don't think they will want to bother.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2023 14:00

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:24

We are pretty active, actually. But yes, down time too. But I have my kids 26/31 days a month. They haven't seen their GPs for months, they get there and are ignored. If I were them, I'd be showing them some interest, and taking them somewhere. Ex is off showing new gf (she's welcome to him. But in pissed off he's showing her a good time over time with the children, and they're just stuck in the house) a city. Hey can do this every other weekend they don't have my children.

What are my kids memories of this half term? Well, stuck in a house with old people disinterested in them, in dirty bedding, or on an uncomfortable sofa, with a father who would rather spend his time with his new gf.
He only has them every other weekend. Here he is with a chance of a good few days with them, and he'd rather have a day out with his gf. Who he lives with (very very sudden, no time for my kids to adjust), so it's not like he hardly gets time with her.
I would have done so much good stuff with them.

My children are not happy there. And that breaks my heart.

Show quote history

You’re making this sound as if they’ve gone to stay with Steptoe and Son with the cleanliness standards of the Young Ones.

Please chill out a bit. No it’s not ideal. But your heart breaking? I’d be annoyed and frustrated that your dcs aren’t getting the best holiday. But you know what? This will hopefully give them the impetus to find different things to do with themselves.

Children in the past weren’t constantly entertained or taken places. It is actually good to be bored. It helps with imagination, builds resilience and this situation will help them find inner strength. Perfect parenting (if that exists) breeds weak children, who don’t have the resources needed once they reach adulthood.

In your shoes, I would get looking on the internet for ideas of what they could do then get back on the phone, chivvy your dcs along and encourage them to make the most of it. Including the dirty sheets as it appears the only option is for your eldest to wash them or sleep in them as are, so that’s a choice right there and perhaps even a fun experience to be had.

This holiday will perhaps not be great. Maybe the next one will be better. It’s nice that your dcs get to do lots of stuff with you. Not all parents, like me for example, have the health and energy to do this. My dd at 14 is still a happy and well-rounded child. It helps a lot that I’m able to drive her to hobbies. But the most important skills a young person can learn are soft skills such as self-belief and self-care, which is something you can teach your children so that their time with their dad and his family are as positive as possible.

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