Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

I'm surprised that your ex is getting off so lightly here - his kids, who he doesn't see that often, are staying with him, and he's gone on a day out without them. He should be parenting his kids, not dumping them on grandparents who are not that bothered about them - and may well view it that the kids have been dumped on them, making them less keen to do anything with them.

Well done to your son for standing up for his sister needing a car seat - probably pissed the grandparents off even more, but he was absolutely right to do it.

I would not be that bothered about the sheet to be honest, but having your daughter sleep on such an uncomfortable sofa is very unkind and uncaring - I'd be annoyed that her dad or grandparents didn't think of her comfort at all.

I would be furious that their dad had gone off for the day with new girlfriend, who they have just been introduced to. He needs to make an effort or the kids won't want to go - hard to force a 12 year old, and your daughter is likely to not want to go if her brother isn't going.

I think you need to have a serious talk to your ex about leaving them today and your daughter not being able to sleep on the sofa. I wouldn't mention that the sheets hadn't been changed after their cousin sleeping in the bed, as you'll have seen from many replies here, that could derail any other issues from being discussed - focus on what you want - to see their cousins, your daughter not to sleep on the sofa, and for him to engage with them, to do things with them, even if it's just going to the park with a football.

And if they're still miserable after a couple more days, they need to tell him that they want to go home.

I had this, thought not as bad, with my daughters dad - it's very hard when you know they're not getting the care and love from him that they would get from you. But they are safe which is the most important thing.

The kids are used to this behaviour from the GPs. I thought seeing the cousins a lot over the few days would mitigate the crapness of the GPs. Sadly half the cousins now aren't putting the time in. My kids were looking forward to seeing them, and I'm glad they all get on. So there's that. They are also used to how their father is. Still, I'm pretty disappointed he used a whole day he could have been with them, not. I also wish he'd have taken them to the city, they'd have loved that.

So, those things my kids are used to. The dirty sheets issue I was not expecting. I am disappointed because they aren't going to be keen to return, especially as if the older cousins aren't going to bother seeing them when they do - a relationship with cousins I really wanted them to have, especially as they don't have any on my side of the family, well, it's been a disappointing trip for them.

Help watch golf?

Thank you x

it's been a disappointing trip for them.

They've been there one night - this was the first full day. The trip has just started presumably?

Thank you. I am sooo proud of my son for not letting his sister be driven without the car seat. I know that will really have pissed xmil off.
So sadly, they are not being kept safe. :( Ex was always crap about carseats. I was the one researching the best for them, and insisting on them.

New gf has been around for nine months, he moved in after three. She only has a one bed flat (he too was in a one-bed, but her location is nicer). My kids have therefore been staying with the both of them EOW on her sofas. I have not complained about this as the kids say the sofas are ok. The pils sofa is a horrendous monstrosity. No place for a growing child. I'm mad about it. It will have made DD cranky, the lack of sleep. He totally rushed them meeting her. My children have not had him to themselves in six months. He seems unable to parent them alone.
I'm really astounded at the responses, and being accused of micromanaging when pointing out the failings here. He's crap, yet I'm the bad guy.

He won't bring them home early. He's paid for train tickets and he won't pay extra to bring the day forward. :(

Yes. But it's not started off well, and isn't looking like it will improve. They were told the cousins were going to be there. I was happy for them about this. I like the cousins, all similar ages, I really want them to have a good relationship, despite the distance. They've been told now the cousins might only visit once, having earlier been told they've have a good few days with them. I know exactly how ex pil are when all their GC are there, Vs how they are when it's just my two. They make an effort when the other GC are there. They do not for my children.

I just can't understand a) why a single woman would move a new bf into their flat kids in tow,
b) why a man who has just got out of a long term relationship would be so quick to shack up with someone else.

Suspect his main goal when dating was to find a woman to parent his kids for him

I worked in a hotel at 15 and was told what rooms not to change sheets in, if the previous people had only stayed 1or 2 nights.
Just to pull sheets tight to make the look un slept.
It was a large hotel chain that most of you have probably used!

So 1 night with a cousin staying before isn't that bad. And you say he could of been doing other things.. In his grandparents house?? Unlikely.

And the dcs may be with the GPs being bored but they don't have to be entertained 24/7 it won't hurt them to be bored.

Maybe next time suggest he takes a lilo or something instead of dd sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa.
Does the sofa have removable cushions so they could go on the floor if more comfortable?

With you all the way OP...lazy family who can t be bothered enjoying their kids/ grandkids and having a bit of fun... a walk round the park, some hide snd seek, cake baking, all watching something together ... good job they ve got you OP ad their mainstay!!!

Blimey what kind of habits do the kids you know have? 🤔

Basically you hate your ex, his new gf, your ex parents in law and the rest of his family. The end.

I think you're probably correct. I have not met her, but the kids say she is nice to them, so I'm happy with that. I was seeing the benefit of an extra adult to show them love and be interested in them, especially as I am lacking family on my side. Still, it seems very very fast for her to want to be with a man with kids in such a full on way. Not really sure I understand her motivation at all.

Oh. My. Days. 😱😱😱

That's gross. I've stayed in a hotel where we didn't think the bedding had been changed, due to the hairs found on the sheets. We insisted on new sheets (had to make the bed ourselves though).

No removable cushions.

Wow a lot to unpack here isn’t there.

I think you are being overly precious over the sheets, I would change them between guests (despite being a dirty Brit 🙄), but I couldn’t get this worked up over it. I also think it’s ridiculous that you expect your ex and his girlfriend to sleep apart so your children could have the double bed. In an ideal world they would have better places to sleep but it’s not an ideal world.

I am baffled about your catastrophising really. It’s one naff half term. We’ve all had one. You obviously hold your own parenting in very high esteem and his in very low esteem. It may be true, it may not be, but it’s not helpful to your children to project such a negative impression of their dad and his family. Your children may be bored without the health club and whatever other wonderment you provide daily but oh well.

Basically chill the fuck out. I am sure you can fill the next half term with fireworks and health clubs and superior parenting to your heart’s content.

Well OP, I can see why he is you ex. I don’t think YABU at all. Always clean sheets on a bed when we have guests, even if the previous guest only stayed one night.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I feel for your DC. It sounds like they are having a miserable time.

I like one sil/bil (married) and the cousins.
Ex and his parents aren't that great. I've not met the new gf. Seems ok from the kids' accounts.

Thank you.

I'm going to end this thread for the night, and probably not darken my day with it tomorrow.

OP my children are the same age and would be similarly grossed out about not sleeping on clean bedding. I’m not sure why people are doubting that.

However, you really need to take a deep breath and let all of this go. A disappointing half-term isn’t the end of the world. Your children will endure it and then get over it. You can’t make your ex be a better parent. Pick your battles.

Try to enjoy the child free time.

You are adding to your children's misery by allowing them to contact you frequently like this and talk in a disrespectful manner about their grandparents. If you were to say " don't be silly blah blah its a change for you etc" then you would be doing them more of a service. If you had good intentions for your children then you wouldn't be acting like this.

Habits do vary .
I don't allow anyone to sleep on my sofas. If I host you, you will sleep in a bed and enjoy fresh sheets.
I have seen some disgusting beds and bedding but we are all different.

OP, you're really coming across like you are holding onto a lot of bitterness. And no one died and made you the arbitrator of cleanliness so being so judgemental isn't classy.

Nothing terrible has happened to your children and you certainly shouldn't be encouraging them to think it has.

It's much more important for children to not see blatant disrespect and sneering about THEIR relatives than it is to spend one night on a sofa.

What an odd little thread. I’ve always put clean sheets on for guests, but never met a kid who even would consider it.

so yeah, I’d read rhis like you’ve some issues going on and are trying to weaponise your kids.

TBF if my DC's GP's didn't see my kids that often and couldn't even offer decent clean sleeping arrangements for a few days I'd be a bit miffed.

Sounds like no effort on GP's part has been made which hasn't gone unnoticed by the DC.

OP based on your Ex and his parents behaviour I hope your DC don't feel to excluded, it really can't be a nice feeling for them.

I was seeing the benefit of an extra adult to show them love and be interested in them, especially as I am lacking family on my side. Still, it seems very very fast for her to want to be with a man with kids in such a full on way. Not really sure I understand her motivation at all

oh sweetie, he’s moved on. It’s over now. It really is. Time to accept and move on,