Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

526 replies

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:46

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 19:28

liveforsummer · 13/02/2023 19:12

I expect what is happening is that they have a closer relationship with the other grandchild because she's local so that's natural especially given the fact it's stated she stays often. She likely doesn't expect entertaining when there either. I know my grandparents never liked to vary their routine regardless of who was visiting. I still remember the smell of my grandads cigar and the bowl of peanuts that came out when he smoked it, then he'd read the paper. We knew not to bother him. My granny would have been 'faffing' too. I think of it fondly. It was enough just to be in their company.

We used to be local. This excuse doesn't wash. They've always favoured her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 19:32

whatistheworld · 13/02/2023 16:26

i am with you OP, i would be furious if my kids went away with their Dad and he went out with gf and left them. Its's not like chilling at home at someone else's house. The kids stuff isn't there.
One night my a 15 year old girl I could live with but the sofa that doesn't lie flat is unkind. The Dad sounds an arse and the GPS perhaps overwhelmed and dumped on

Thank you. DD wasn't allowed to take her iPad as it was "too much to carry on the train" - instead she has his old mobile handset with a few games on. No toys allowed up as too much to manage on the train. He's truly pathetic. DS has his own phone, at least. They are uncomfortable and out of sorts. No one making them feel welcome or wanted.

OP posts:
AdventFridgeOfShame · 13/02/2023 19:38

Oh good grief you are back.
I assumed you mum had come home.

Parental alienation is not nice, don't do it.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/02/2023 19:46

It's a shame they have such a rubbish family but they will survive and probably not want to go again. A few days of boredom aren't the end of the world. I don't understand all the fuss about the sheets. You shouldn't be making it worse by telling your son it's disgusting and encouraging him to make a fuss. Likewise with dad going out leaving them with the grandparents for one day. Not a problem. Surely they can play boardgames or find some books or readers digests or go for a walk? It does sound like you normally keep them constantly entertained but that is your choice and not the only right way of doing things. When I was growing up days out were unusual - most of our free time we entertained ourselves. I also remember many boring visits to grandparents homes where we sat on the sofa for hours listening to them talk.

The 7 yo on the sofa is poor. The rest seems not too bad really. I definitely wouldn't want the 7 yo sharing a bed with a 12 yo boy though. That is asking for trouble.

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 19:48

AdventFridgeOfShame · 13/02/2023 19:38

Oh good grief you are back.
I assumed you mum had come home.

Parental alienation is not nice, don't do it.

Grin
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2023 19:50

Stravaig · 13/02/2023 15:56

Exactly.

Distressing to share children because the hazmat suit failed. Twice.

Show quote history

Am reposting this comment as I haven’t laughed so much in a while.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 19:52

I'm sorry I haven't read all of the posts since I said I wasn't going to be online, and I'm going out again now.

Just wanted to post the photo of a similar sofa that a previous poster found, so those who think sleeping on a sofa is fine. Some sofas, yes. This one, no. The one the ex in-laws have actually has even higher seat divider things. It's truly uncomfortable.

Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?
OP posts:
Dareisayimonetoo · 13/02/2023 19:54

I’m quite surprised at the voting. I would have thought it was a common decency to have cleans sheets and somewhere proper to sleep.

my parents come twice in quick succession and I change the sheets so I can sleep in the spare room if I want to in between and then pop them back on a week later, so that’s four nights in total they have slept in them but in wouldn’t want to sleep in theirs nor would I expect them to sleep in mine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2023 19:55

I have a 14 yo dd. Tbh I wouldn’t mind if she slept in a bed, which a 15 yo girl had previously slept in. In fact dd has regular sleepovers with her friends. The girls all have double beds and sleep in the same bed together. I’m pretty sure the parents aren’t changing bedding for the occasion as sleepovers can be rather impromptu, albeit bedding will be regularly changed. Girls are usually pretty clean. Dd and her friends are all into skincare, shower regularly and wear pyjamas.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 19:55

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/02/2023 18:37

I suspect the DGPs are quite elderly. As the OPs parents are long gone, my guess is she is making no allowance for infirmity, having not seen it up close before. Older people have quite different opinions on who should be prioritised for comfort, attention etc. They are not going to change, are they?

It seems normal for GPs to favour their daughter 's children. Given the sheer volume of anti MIL posts, can you blame them?

They are both only 70, and pretty young in outlook.

My parents died of not natural causes, not crazy young, so you assume too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 20:00

To clarify. My children have down time with me. I love a chill day. But I'm with them every day bar four a month. And actually, Sunday he drops turn off by 5pm. We chill.

The GPs hardly see my children, and day one they are being ignored.

Ex has limited time with the children, sees his gf every day, yet the few days he has them, he's left them for a day. Likely will leave them over the next few days to see his mates.

Seems to offend people that a mother wants clean bedding for her kids, and should be ok with them feeling ignored.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 13/02/2023 20:07

AdventFridgeOfShame · 13/02/2023 19:38

Oh good grief you are back.
I assumed you mum had come home.

Parental alienation is not nice, don't do it.

😆😆😆

IndiaDreamer · 13/02/2023 20:17

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 20:00

To clarify. My children have down time with me. I love a chill day. But I'm with them every day bar four a month. And actually, Sunday he drops turn off by 5pm. We chill.

The GPs hardly see my children, and day one they are being ignored.

Ex has limited time with the children, sees his gf every day, yet the few days he has them, he's left them for a day. Likely will leave them over the next few days to see his mates.

Seems to offend people that a mother wants clean bedding for her kids, and should be ok with them feeling ignored.

It's our children...... they're not exclusively yours.

Clymene · 13/02/2023 20:19

So when you were married, you never stayed so this was never an issue? Did you not talk to your ex about it before they went? Or your kids? I mean you must have known what they're like and that there weren't enough beds to go round. You could have packed your kids a self inflating mattress and sleeping bags.

Your children are confident enough to demand clean sheets and complain that their bed is uncomfortable and inadequate so I'm sure they would have been confident enough to say they want to use their own stuff.

Why didn't you do that? You wound your children up and made them feel like they were being hard done by to add grist to your mill.

Member869894 · 13/02/2023 20:29

Your poor children
You sound very bitter and controlling
just let your kids have their time wiith their dad and back off

ClearMoth · 13/02/2023 20:40

SpottyBalloons · 13/02/2023 17:58

'The 15yo cousin is actually a girl. I never said boy, people assumed that'

@Dirrrty It was hardly an unfounded assumption when you said 'What if he's had a wank in there, and my son is sleeping on crusty jizz???' 🙄You wilfully misled posters into thinking the cousin is male in the hope that they'd then agree with you.

Show quote history

Oh op. Use a notebook next time so you don't trip yourself up on something so blatant. Embarrassing.

Blossomtoes · 13/02/2023 20:41

Considering that MN is usually obsessed with cleanliness way beyond my rather slatternly standards, the poll has astonished me. I wouldn’t sleep in used sheets or expect anyone else to either. Anyone staying here is asked to strip the bed before they leave. Disgusting.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 20:41

Clymene · 13/02/2023 20:19

So when you were married, you never stayed so this was never an issue? Did you not talk to your ex about it before they went? Or your kids? I mean you must have known what they're like and that there weren't enough beds to go round. You could have packed your kids a self inflating mattress and sleeping bags.

Your children are confident enough to demand clean sheets and complain that their bed is uncomfortable and inadequate so I'm sure they would have been confident enough to say they want to use their own stuff.

Why didn't you do that? You wound your children up and made them feel like they were being hard done by to add grist to your mill.

We did stay over, only occasionally, because we used to live nearby so didn't need to. I'd sleep in the double with the kids, h in the single. He preferred this too.

I have posted upthread that they went by train. Otherwise I'd have sent them with blow up mattresses. Though really, surely it's up to the hosts to provide adequate accommodation I did not expect the sheets issue.

OP posts:
Crumpetdisappointment · 13/02/2023 20:43

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 19:27

I never said she should. You are showing your inability to read.

Show quote history

ok @Dirrrty
i can read
i just misread,
you are rude

ChildcareIsBroken · 13/02/2023 20:44

I can't believe so many people are attacking you, OP.
Not changing sheets between guests is disgusting and I can't believe anyone would think otherwise. Kids deserve the same hygiene standards as adults.
An air mattress would be much better than this sofa, it's clearly not for sleeping.
OP's ex is clearly very absent father given he spends few days a month with his children and then choses to take his girlfriend out for the day leaving his kids with GP who clearly don't care.
If I were in your shoes I'd suggest things they can do to entertain themselves, they're old enough that it shouldn't be too difficult. And I'd contact your ex so he sorts out the sleeping arrangements.
Hopefully you can relax then.

You're clearly a great mum, OP. Yes, they'll survive this visit but it doesn't sound fun at all.

plumduck · 13/02/2023 20:45

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:00

My son says his GPs are doing nothing with them. Exfil watching sport on TV (my son doesn't like watching sport on TV). Ex-mil is fannying about. My kids are just sat on their tablets. What's the point?

Show quote history

They could get off their tablets and ask to help their hosts?

MeinKraft · 13/02/2023 20:48

Wouldn't bat an eyelid about sleeping in a bed a family member has slept in.

meloonhead · 13/02/2023 20:50

YouTarzan · 13/02/2023 13:21

If you’re losing a vote about hygiene on Mumsnet, imagine what the result would be if it was the real world doing the voting
🤣

Probably the same. There was that infamous poll about 1/4 of Brits waging their sheets once a month, or something very similar

meloonhead · 13/02/2023 20:52

Grandparents refusing to change sheets after guest, uncomfy nights sleep and not taking kids anywhere either. Bit miserable tbh

meloonhead · 13/02/2023 20:57

A week with me is preferable to them both. I take them places, take their interests into account. He is disappointed he got dragged miles away from home, his friends, our health club (they do swimming, have lots of good stuff happening over half term, tennis club etc), on the promise of the above, yet the cousins have cut down their availability, GPs don't seem bothered, their own father who they only see EOW is not spending quality time with them. They don't even put a nice film on for them - ex fil is watching golf.

Definitely YANBU @Dirrrty