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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

526 replies

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:46

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

OP posts:
AGoldenNarwhal · 13/02/2023 16:54

callmeblondee · 13/02/2023 16:30

Why the FK should SHE do it. My god. Maybe the lazy bastard could have organised himself beforehand hey. But no lets load it all on to a Mum....

Show quote history

Of course he should do it but he's not going to, is he?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/02/2023 16:56

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 13:55

I was born here, but my mother was not. She instilled high hygiene standards in me. By all accounts, she was repulsed by my British father's hygiene standards too, and had to train him up

I am beginning to see where the OP gets her abilities as micromanager from.

OP is coming across as racist here.

Making blanket statements about British people and their lack of hygiene (in her and her mother’s eyes) Hmm

VintageThoughts · 13/02/2023 16:58

Eurgh.

There's some mucky buggers on here.

I have never, ever made a guest in my house sleep in a dirty bed. No matter how old they are.

Disgusting 🤮

liveforsummer · 13/02/2023 16:58

I wouldn't be demanding sheets changed from a family member sleeping on them once, no! Stranger in a hotel - yes. Granny's house, waste of water and power imo

AGoldenNarwhal · 13/02/2023 17:01

Stravaig · 13/02/2023 16:18

@AGoldenNarwhal They are being abused, by an overly-entangled relationship with a controlling and vindictive mother.

🙄. Most mums would be a bit upset if their kids were having a miserable time with indifferent relatives.

I'd certainly be upset if my 7yo was sleeping downstairs alone on a sofa and was so scared and uncomfortable that she was asking to come into her older brother's bed.

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 17:02

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/02/2023 16:56

OP is coming across as racist here.

Making blanket statements about British people and their lack of hygiene (in her and her mother’s eyes) Hmm

Show quote history

Yes, I reported the racist comments.

liveforsummer · 13/02/2023 17:06

YouTarzan · 13/02/2023 13:23

I can’t believe a seven year old is complaining that the sofa bed isn’t comfortable! Seven year olds will sleep anywhere, if they’re told it’s an adventure!

I'm surprised about a bad back at that age too, I was in my 30's before stuff like that started become a problem

FeetupTvon · 13/02/2023 17:07

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 13:14

I've raised them to know to make the best of it. My son was looking forward to seeing his cousins. But that's now hardly happening.
I do expect a bit more effort from grandparents when these are kids they don't see much.
Didn't mean to drip feed, but they do absolutely loads with their other GC. There is clear favouritism.

Show quote history

Are you looking for issues OP?
Are you jealous of the new girlfriend?
Are you encouraging your DC to find fault?

Maybe your DC’s grandparents don’t wish to take your DCs out anywhere as they think they are whingy. Maybe they appear to think they are more superior to their cousins?

You too sound as if you believe you’re more superior.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 13/02/2023 17:07

I think you could try to be more honest with yourself about what's really bothering you op.

But I am sure you will continue to fixate on the sheets etc.

liveforsummer · 13/02/2023 17:11

My kids' faces are on pillows where a teen has had their oily face, as a pp said with who knows what skin conditions.

Turn the pillow - solved!

liveforsummer · 13/02/2023 17:13

their own father who they only see EOW is not spending quality time with them.

It's Monday ffs - surely they have the rest of the week once the girlfriend goes home

HerbalTeaAndCake · 13/02/2023 17:13

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 13/02/2023 16:50

76 replies by the OP. Seventy six. Is that right??

OP, you honestly need to do some reflecting on why this small issue, which is nothing to do with you, has moved you to make 76 posts.

Yup.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 13/02/2023 17:14

callmeblondee · 13/02/2023 16:30

Why the FK should SHE do it. My god. Maybe the lazy bastard could have organised himself beforehand hey. But no lets load it all on to a Mum....

Show quote history

Why, indeed? But that seems to be the position the OP is in.

That aside, it's handy to have sleeping mats and bags. The kids might go on a sleepover or have friends over. They might go camping. They're just handy things to have.

Emotionalsupportviper · 13/02/2023 17:15

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:46

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

A cursory glance shows that most people disagree with you, but FWIW I don't. I think it's disgusting not to change the sheets if different people are using the bed. The grandparents should have got a 2nd single set (or better yet, your ex should - after all they are his children.

He should also not take them away with his new gf and then leave them twiddling their thumbs - he is a total *rse and you are well rid. And the gf should have more sense, too. I wouldn't be impressed with a bloke who didn't bother with his kids. The way I would look at it is that if I married him he'd treat any children we had with the same cavalier attitude.

Yes - there's no reason why your two couldn't have shared the bed with your ex on the sofa and the gf in the single - but heaven forfend that your ex can't have a sh*g for one night.

weRone · 13/02/2023 17:20

the bedding... while it's not amazing it's fine and I'd also try and save some work

BUT the sleeping arrangements and leaving your kids in the house all day (presumably on screens etc) not ok!

NewNovember · 13/02/2023 17:21

Your dd is 7 so presumably very light and short . A sofa is fine how can it be that uncomfortable?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/02/2023 17:22

callmeblondee · 13/02/2023 16:28

Yea and why not, or maybe he could have arranged in advance a blow up bed. The fact is hes lazy and not willng to put himself out one bit for the sake of his kids. How shitty.
The way some of you lot let men off is laughable.

Show quote history

I agree. Obviously the person who failed to make suitable arrangements should bear the brunt of the failure.

He sounds useless and selfish.

leithreas · 13/02/2023 17:30

And that's the difference with all these lovely stories of you guys having happy memories just hanging out with your GPs doing nothing. They loved you. You felt loved. My children are feeling ignored and second-best.

I was thinking about this point while I hoovered earlier and that wasn't true for me. We were very aware that we weren't my grandparents favoured grandkids. I still loved hanging out. The big thing though is that I blamed my mother for the gap between us and other cousins/grandparents. It's quite like your situation. My mother didn't think that my grandparents were good enough, she looked down on their way of doing things, she eventually stopped talking to them altogether. Rightly or wrongly her I blamed her for putting that tension there between us and my grandparents. How could there be a close relationship when nothing they did was ever right or good enough? It wasn't an easy relationship like the one she had with the grandchildren with parents that just accepted that Gran did it different.

WilsonMilson · 13/02/2023 17:32

Personally I’m absolutely amazed that a 12 year old would notice or even be bothered at all by this. I feel like you’re looking for things to criticise your ex about, and recruiting your kids to do the same.

He may well be an arse, but this is hardly something to get yourself worked up about.

AdventFridgeOfShame · 13/02/2023 17:35

What if he's had a wank in there, and my son is sleeping on crusty jizz???
What if he scratched his arsehole and my kid is sleeping in a bed with skidmarks?

What a vile thing to say about your niece.

Think the 500 mile journey by train may be egging it a wee bit.

bellac11 · 13/02/2023 17:38

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 15:59

It's complicated. The GP clearly favour the children of their daughters. It's abundantly clear. Of those children, there is a hierarchy, with the daughters being preferred over the sons. My son observed this and commented on it when he was about four or five. Ex saw it too and had a discussion with his parents. Things did improve a bit, but they soon drifted into their habits, and it's just clear that they (especially exMil) have a preference for girls. But even my daughter comes after the boy children of their daughters.
I am not the only inlaw to have noticed this.

The 15yo cousin is actually a girl. I never said boy, people assumed that. She is the first GC for them and hugely favoured. She is there all the time, and my children didn't get any quality time with gp without the one cousin there so whilst my kids would visit, all attention was on the other GC, despite the fact that they saw her very regularly and mine less so. So yes, I withdrew. You can't change them. I can't make them love my kids.

And that's the difference with all these lovely stories of you guys having happy memories just hanging out with your GPs doing nothing. They loved you. You felt loved. My children are feeling ignored and second-best.

At the very least, if they can't love my kids, they can at least give them clean bedding and an actual bed.

Show quote history

You did say boy by making a comment about 'him' and him masturbating

Why are you now lying?

MiddleParking · 13/02/2023 17:40

I was on your side until the jizz-producing 15 year old transpired to be a girl and now I’m Confused

thefamous5 · 13/02/2023 17:40

My children rarely see their grandparents because of distance (my parents, not husbands).

They tend to go for a week or two every Easter.

My parents are only in their early 60s so my dad works full time still and my mam is a ta so off in the holidays.

Say they go for ten days. Maybe three or four of those days are fun, activity days. The rest are my kids (11 and 10) chilling out, helping out with chores. They're not entertained every ten mins and nor should they be.

thefamous5 · 13/02/2023 17:41

Pressed send too quick.

Just being in the house with my parents; whether they are watching tv, housework, or just relaxing is enough.

I

TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 17:41

EverlastingRose · 13/02/2023 16:49

Cousin has had a sex change, nice. I'm calling balls on the whole story.

Exactly.
So am I.