Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

I’m really surprised by the number of posters that think it’s ok to put guests in used sheets .

I also wouldn’t leave a 7 year old downstairs on the sofa while everyone else slept upstairs in an unfamiliar setting - I’d expect a 7 year old to be anxious - completely aside from the fact it’s maybe uncomfortable.

Why are you now saying the cousin is a girl, when it's quite clear from this post they were a boy this morning?!

This level of obsessive cleanliness is the reason the world is fucked and climate change is irreversible

'The 15yo cousin is actually a girl. I never said boy, people assumed that'

@Dirrrty It was hardly an unfounded assumption when you said 'What if he's had a wank in there, and my son is sleeping on crusty jizz???' 🙄You wilfully misled posters into thinking the cousin is male in the hope that they'd then agree with you.

Yes. We've been led up the garden path here.

76 replies by the OP. Seventy six. Is that right??

I wonder how many messages back and forth with the kids, when everything barring imminent death should be directed to the parent they're actually with.

Yes. Oops.

I can't imagine my 15yr old son noticing bedsheets at his grandparents. I'm pretty sure they don't get changed between him and his cousin. I don't care, it won't kill him and he's never noticed or complained.

Also would put a 7yr old on a sofa rather than an adult. That's pretty normal.

I think you're having control issues OP.

The OP does give the distinct impression that the cousin was male in one of her replies. Technically she was answering a hypothetical question from another poster about a 15-year-old boy but it was disingenuous not to be very clear at that point that the cousin was actually female. Unless the cousin has a serious hygiene problem it does make quite a big difference as female teenagers are generally not as prone to stinking up bed sheets as male teenagers and they're definitely not going to be jizzing all over the sheets.

I'm surprised that so few replies comment on the car seat issue: planning to take a small seven-year-old on an hour-long motorway journey without even a backless booster seat is incredibly irresponsible. In even a crash, she could have been paralysed or killed by the seat belt itself as it would have been such a poor fit on her. Never mind the fact that it would have been illegal for her to travel without some sort of booster.

That said, I'm a little confused... the entire trip to see the cousins one hour away was cancelled because the 12 year old DS stood up for his sister and pointed out that she could not travel without a seat? And this was accepted and respected by his father/grandparents? Yet when he asked for a set of clean sheets, so he could change the bed himself, this request was refused? Surely if they were willing to have him essentially take the decision to abandon the road trip, they could respect his wishes for clean sheets when he was willing to do the actual work of changing them himself?

And @Dirrrty for what it's worth, I too would struggle to enjoy myself if my DD was away but having a horrible time, not least because she herself would contact me repeatedly for comfort as I am her primary carer. I get your anger and sadness and your ex is a piece of shit excuse for a father. I think you've been treated a bit unfairly on here with posters assuming you've wound your kids up further by telling them how awful it all is. My impression from your (many!) replies is that you've actually done the right thing with your DS and essentially told him he'll be OK and (nicely) to just get on with it. Venting and asking for opinions on here is absolutely fair, I assume your kids won't read it! And re the 76 replies, this is why I rarely start threads on MN. I feel compelled to respond to almost everyone and can't just step away; it feels rude. So I'm looking forward to your 77th post on this thread. 😉

Exactly. Some very low standards of parenting if people think this is ok. ☹️

Also asking the 7 year old DD to sleep on the sofa isn't ideal as it doesn't appear to be at all suitable for all-night use. But surely the issue isn't that it's uncomfortable, it's that she's being forced to sleep on an entirely separate floor to everyone else? In a relatively strange house? And she's the one nearest the main points of entry if someone were to break in during the night? That's not on, she should be upstairs even if that means being on the floor. My DD is 12 and (although her SEN does have an impact on this) she would feel desperately unsafe being asked to sleep alone downstairs at her grandparents' house.

Well, I'm not commenting on the car seat issue because I am having trouble believing the OP's posts after her nonsensical BS over the male/ female cousin.

My 6 year old sleeps downstairs at my parents house just because that's the most sensible way - he isn't an especially confident child and he is totally unbothered. But then he also sleeps on a different floor at home and that's fine too as he can go up and down stairs just fine.

The kids' dad who sees them infrequently left them alone and went away with the new gf. Their grandparents ignore them to the extend the kids feel unwanted. Bedding is gross but it is almost irrelevant vs the first 2 issues. OP, try to put a positive spin when you talk to your children today, even if it is a lie, but empower them when they are back to say no to their dad suggesting this trip next time

If you look at this another way, this might be a good experience for your children to have.

It's quite an important lesson in life to learn that people live, and spend their time differently.

It is also perfectly valid to spend time with family chilling out, without planned activities.

In my experience of visiting family as a child, you'd just sleep whever you were put up. Once I slept on a mat under the dining table! I also went camping cramped into a tiny tent, wet socks all weekend, almost no sleep!

Sure those conditions might not be what they are used to, or how things are in your house. But isn't it good to know you can sleep on a sofa at your grandparents house and it's not the end of the world?

That family time isn't always activity focused, or with kids at the centre of attention?

If I were you I'd be adoping a bit more of a 'make the best of it' stance, encourage them to enjoy it for what it is.

I suspect the DGPs are quite elderly. As the OPs parents are long gone, my guess is she is making no allowance for infirmity, having not seen it up close before. Older people have quite different opinions on who should be prioritised for comfort, attention etc. They are not going to change, are they?

It seems normal for GPs to favour their daughter 's children. Given the sheer volume of anti MIL posts, can you blame them?

OP is way too overinvested in picking fault with her ex's parenting. It is clear she is actively looking for, and overreacting to, any issue at all while the children are in his care. Can't see how this helps anyone.

Bit of a hatchet job that.

The father has spent the day out with his girlfriend on what is clearly a half term break visiting the grandparents you make it sound like be has abandoned them to run off with the fancy woman. The EoW arrangement is also a very common one and hardly denotes any kind of parental neglect.

Bitterness really helps no-one. None of us like our ex's but obsessing over judging every aspect of their parenting and finding fault with it is really sad and suggests you need some support in moving on with your life. OP's behaviour is not healthy.

Drip,drip,drip.So you let people assume it was a boy who last used the bed and didnt think to correct them when they were discussing 15yr old boys habits.🤔

Drip,drip,drip.So you let people assume it was a boy who last used the bed and didnt think to correct them when they were discussing 15yr old boys habits.

She called them 'he' herself and suggested 'he' might have jizzed in the sheets, more than just not correcting others.

@AGoldenNarwhal
"If she's brought up children who aren't afraid to speak up when they don't feel they're being treated right, then that's to her credit. They'll learn as they grow older what is reasonable and what is not.

Suffering in silence to keep the peace is so passe. It also allowed abuse/neglect to thrive."

Excellent post 👏👏👏

I expect what is happening is that they have a closer relationship with the other grandchild because she's local so that's natural especially given the fact it's stated she stays often. She likely doesn't expect entertaining when there either. I know my grandparents never liked to vary their routine regardless of who was visiting. I still remember the smell of my grandads cigar and the bowl of peanuts that came out when he smoked it, then he'd read the paper. We knew not to bother him. My granny would have been 'faffing' too. I think of it fondly. It was enough just to be in their company.

I can do screenshots of the texts between my son and myself over this issue. Flag this post to mn if you want me to supply them to them. Sadly it is true.
They didn't end up going though. But she did try and drive my 7yo without a seat. Who does that???

As for the female cousin. I never stated either way, initially. My response further into the assumptions that it was a boy are just to respond to those people saying nothing wrong with using a bed after a 15yo boy had been in it - it was only then that I mentioned WHAT IF a 15yo boy had been jerking off in that bed, and my son was expected to sleep in it.

Girl quite capable of doing the same. Less bodily fluid, but still unhygienic if her hands have been down there, then all over the sheets.

I am encouraged by the more recent posts supporting my parenting. I'm sad that so many are dismissive of children's feelings. And to the poster who said I've raised kids to stand up for themselves and speak up, yes I have. That's the kind of person I wish to raise, not a walkover happy to make do in dirty sheets.

AGAIN, it might have been one night, it might have been more. I don't know. Either way, they are used sheets.

Raise your standards, in men and hygiene. I do expect their father to put them first. He has 26/31 days a month child free, to spend with his girlfriend. The least he can do is spend time with them these few extra days he has them.

I never said she should. You are showing your inability to read.