To think some people outsource life

[ExistenceOptional]

Some outsourcing of life is fairly normal. Using some childcare, having a weekly cleaner for those who can afford it, dog walkers, etc. But there comes a point where people seem to outsource a lot of life that is not work.

So people who have several nannies so the child is only brought to them for the fun bits of life. Having firms in to decorate your house for Christmas and put up a tree. Having staff to plan, organise and run your child's birthday party with you just showing up to welcome parents and smile as you watch. Having staff to choose and buy your kids Christmas presents.

I used to nanny for families like this and I think you just end up outsourcing life outside of work. Trying to live a personal life like this must be really unfulfilling.

YAB very U, in my opinion. Nothing is more important or valuable than time - literally not one thing. No money in the world can buy it back and when it's gone, it's gone. I'm slightly obsessive about it, to be honest, and am continually baffled by people who make decisions that suggest they don't understand this.

I prioritise time above all else and am now a high earner in a busy job so I outsource a lot. We have a part-time nanny/cleaner/housekeeper (same person) who does a lot of chores, also have a gardener, do online shopping. There are other chores both my husband and I enjoy doing and so don't outsource, like cooking.

I've only recently earned enough to be able to do this so I've done it the other way too - outsourcing much less stuff, doing more chores myself. And it's unquestionably worse. The idea that you miss 'the small moments' with your children if you're not burdened down doing endless chores is a fantasy dreamed up to keep women earning less! It's precisely because I outsource so much that in the evenings and at the weekends, my time is my own and I can do all sorts of things with my kids, big and small, without constantly telling them I'm too busy/just have to clean something/mow the lawn/clean the car/whatever. I am home from work every night in time to have dinner with them, I read to the little one and put him to bed every night etc.

The other thing that should go without saying but doesn't always in threads like these is if one of my kids has a problem or needs me I drop everything for them, regardless of what is going on at work. They are not having difficult and emotional conversations with my nanny because I'm not around...

Some of my worst and toughest times for both me and my kids were when my career was at the point when it was busy enough that I had to work hard, but not earning enough to outsource anything. I felt like I was constantly telling them 'in a minute, I just need to reply to this message/put away this washing etc etc'. It was 100% not an experience any of us cherished or 'making memories' that anyone will be clinging on to...

If I could have outsource household drudge task to spend even more time with the kids and me- I would have.

I suspect the Op is talking about parents who are outsource the spending time with kids bit as well to fit more work or more socialising centered around work - networking more than fun.

I only really know one couple who did this in RL though they used GP rather than professional nanny - it was extreme more GP raising child than parents then parents being surprised the teen and they weren't close.

I suspect most people find a reasonable balance in life and OP as a nanny has just seen the extreme version of this behavior.

Sounds great to me.

If I had the cash, I’d outsource:

Childcare
Weekend clubs and activities and transport
Driving
Cleaning AND tidying
Life admin/household management
Food shopping and meal planning
Some cooking except when I feel like it
The grunt work gardening
Decorating
Social diary

Loads of things! Life would be heaven: come down on a Saturday to the kids already up and dressed and being supervised, breakfast on the table, then someone else cleans it up while the driver takes us to a farm or something. All the fun bits of time as a family with none of the dishwasher loading or arguments about car seats. More time to read books and write and paint and sew, to go for walks, to flit about my country estate dictating a list for the staff of what canapé I’d like at the party, and please have afternoon tea ready promptly on my return. Heaven.

I’m not sure I believe in fulfilment.

@womanwithbooks You have a poor woman who is expected to be nanny, cleaner and housekeeper? So basically run around cleaning and doing housekeeping and making sure the kid is kept alive.

If I had the money I'd outsource everything apart from looking after my children. I've always joked to a colleague that if I won the lottery she would be my personal assistant who could then organise outsourcing everything for me. She loves that sort of thing and would be delighted if I gave her a blank cheque for shopping.

There's nothing life affirming in shopping, organising, decorating, cleaning, hosting parties or gardening for me. They are all chores and I hate every minute spent on them. Each to their own.

I’d love to be able to afford to pay someone to come and put up & take down my Christmas decorations 😂

I’d personally outsource most of it, cleaning, cooking someone to do the house admin (car tax/insurances)

Id love to be able to just spend evenings with the kids doing fun stuff and not having to rush to get the washing on, cook dinner etc

Ah man, if I could afford it I would outsource large amounts of my life. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and admin to start with...

What's that I hear? That they are so fulfilling?

womanwithbooks , I agree with you that time is the most valuable of everything, once it's gone you can never have it back. And time spent on "stuff" that I can "outsource" is time claimed for what genuinely matters to me. That is why I have a cleaner, a gardener, and a handyman to do the DIY and the odd jobs.

Forgot grocery shopping and gardening. Decorating. House maintenance.

Maybe unfulfilling for you, but not for those who decide to do it.

People are different.

And chosing to do it and being paid for it - unlike the wife / mother! What's the problem?

I know if I have a deep conversation with my kids say about things bothering them, it is never when we are doing the big fun activities.

It's going to be a tiny minority of people who outsource every single opportunity for your so-called 'mundane' interactions with their children.

Even for the mega rich, there will be many who still have times together chatting over something comparable to cleaning the kitchen or driving kids to activities (for them that might be sorting out the Gucci handbags in the walk or travelling on the private jet but it's still unstructured time together). It might not be what you aspire to but doesn't make them 'wrong'. You are saying their relationships with their children are less meaningful than yours and their lives less fulfilled. You can't know that - what's the measure of 'meaningfulness' that you are winning on and they are losing? It's based on your opinion so it is judgemental.

@womanwithbooks "The idea that you miss 'the small moments' with your children if you're not burdened down doing endless chores is a fantasy dreamed up to keep women earning less! It's precisely because I outsource so much that in the evenings and at the weekends, my time is my own and I can do all sorts of things with my kids, big and small, without constantly telling them I'm too busy/just have to clean something/mow the lawn/clean the car/whatever."

Couldn't agree more. There's nothing heroic about wasting your precious time on chores. It makes you LESS available to your kids, not more.

I hired a party planning agency to do my DD's bday this year, and it went like a dream. I had time to take photos and videos, join in with the games, laugh and have fun and chat with the kids, it was brilliant. In previous years I've been stuck in the kitchen, making endless rounds of sandwiches and stressing.

Lucky me to have the money to do it, I know, but it was worth every penny.

Funny how the examples of outsourcing are all things that women tend to do. No one is suggesting that outsourcing the growing and processing of food is "not living life" nor that choosing to employ someone to build a house or do repairs is "not living life".

This is just a marginally more subtle way of judging women for daring NOT to do all the shitty bits of life.

Many men outsource all of this —shit— domestic joy to their wives.

They seem pretty fulfilled.

Do you judge them too OP? Or just the women?

I love outsourcing. I get to spend my time doing what I want to do, which is way more fulfilling than doing the stuff I don’t.

I’ve never been of the mindset that doing things I don’t want to do, if I don’t have to, is either valuable or necessary when it comes to my moral development. Seems a bit Protestant and joyless tbh.

@minipie Lots of men have pretty superficial relationships with their kids.
But no not all men do this.

I should outsource arguing on Mumsnet, I’d free up so much time.

do you mean poor as in has no money or poor as in "that poor woman has no opportunities". Do you feel the same way about the men who come and collect your garbage every week? Why aren't you feeling guilty about that? Maybe you could get some more "life fulfilment" in my taking your own garbage down to a centralised skip or landfill or recycling centre?

Honestly, these sorts of threads make me so angry. The thinly veiled attacks on women only. Even the "but not all men do this" bollocks - it's FAR more men than women but these posts are all aimed at the WOMEN who do them.

Doesn't most people outsource birthday parties, I literally call the venue, book a slot for x amount of kids and just turn up with the cake 😆 Surely that's classed as outsourcing.

God I'd be a way better mum if I could outsource all the drudgery of my life.

I work full time and have 3 kids. A cleaner/housekeeper/cook would mean I could just focus on them in the evenings and at weekends.

I think she meant poor like exploited! The industry standard is to hire separate people for these things. Many professional nannies have a contract clause that states they only do light child related cleaning/housekeeping.

Unless she's paying the woman 6 figs (which is about what a house manager for HNW families gets, but even then oversees simultaneous cleaning/housekeeping/nanny by 3 different parties, not does it all by herself).

There was a recent case where a Tory MP and his wife were severely overworking and underpaying (2 separate things) their domestic staff.

Well said.