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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse this "gift"

357 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:44

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 15/02/2023 04:41

Good that your sister is on your side and can see how badly they're treating you. If she can make them see this even a little bit, it might improve things?

Random thought on the 'helping them' aspect, how do you think it would go down if she just turned up and did it instead?

They ask you, you tell her and if she is available, she just arrives, says that she had more spare time than you thought she would take them to the appointment instead?

pookie999 · 15/02/2023 06:41

If you buy a car online there's a 2 week no fault return and refund

LaDamaDeElche · 15/02/2023 07:26

Roundabout78 · 12/02/2023 22:49

YABU and ungrateful. Who cares if she insists you pay your mortgage off and buy a car? It’s so generous of them.

What? Insisting that you spend the money on a specific thing they decide is not generous, it's controlling,

multikids · 15/02/2023 08:13

My mum is exactly like this.
Similar, but less costly situation. She wanted to pay off my education loan - about 3k left - out of the blue - I was paying it off, hadn’t asked her to, but she insisted that she had paid for my sisters Masters and wanted to pay for mine.
With my sister she just transferred the money.
With me - she refused to transfer it - she made me go into a branch of the bank , made the lady get the paperwork and settlement figure and paid it off in front of me - just for a little power play and to reinforce that she doesn’t trust me with money.
Mine stems from when I was young and married against their wishes. I’m remarried now with their blessing, but she still needs to make me feel small when she can. I sucked it up as I always do to make her happy.
She also knows that I cannot complain to anyone as I would appear so ungrateful !!
I completely sympathise OP, but don’t refuse it - it still benefits you overall.

WickedStepmomNOT · 15/02/2023 09:44

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2023 01:08

She likened the situation to parents who insist on contributing to a childs wedding and then demanding a certain menu, a whole list of their friends as guests and deciding who the bridesmaids should be "Well we are paying!!". A very good analogy and more accurate than either of us like. She said that they are buying an opinion that they have no right to. She pointed out that knowing them, unless I basically agree to whatever they want, I cannot get it right.

She thinks that our parents are doing this from a good place, and I agree, but also thinks that the way they have gone about it is completely wrong. I bought up a couple of issues about the financial rules over this gift that she hadnt considered so hopefully this will also help clear up a few things all round.

It's so great you and your sister are good friends so your parents cant play one off against the other. I agree the manipulation and implied lack of trust is maddening but is there any way to play them at their own game and get what you need? After all, they made the offer wanting to help - with your sisters help, can you manipulate them or your own feelings to turn this unfair situation around?

Good luck OP - rooting for you.

Not financial but I had a former date I was interested in but no physical at that stage offer me a weekend away - but only if I had sex with him. He was quite attractive and I had been considering him as a proper bf but that 'invitation' ie ultimatum put me right off and that was the end of that. My feelings looking back say at least he was honest and open but Im glad I refused the coercion.

Whatever you decide, I hope you feel good about being able to make your own choices 💐

gettingolderbutcooler · 15/02/2023 10:01

Buy a really expensive (£30k) car and then sell it. You lose £5k as soon as it's off the forecourt.
😜

Dillydollydingdong · 15/02/2023 10:01

What humiliation? She wants to come with you to share the experience of buying a car. It's fun buying a car. Just make sure you buy one she approves of, and then sell the old one and put that money in the bank.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2023 10:25

I think your sister having a word may help. In your shoes, I would definitely withdraw or say ‘Ask my sister, she is offended that you never do’. If they treat you like an idiot, I’d behave like one.

My parents tried very hard to pull financial strings with me so I just refused all money. I’ll get some if mum doesn’t need to go into care, but I’ve ignored it whilst planning for retirement because a) I don’t think I’m entitled to her money and b) I refuse to be controlled by money.

Companyofwolves · 15/02/2023 10:35

Glad you’ve got a sympathetic & supportive sister in your corner @PyongyangKipperbang.
Interesting that there may be reasons affecting how they “gift” you the money - which could explain things.

Do you know if the car will even be in your name?
Good luck

Sparkling82 · 15/02/2023 11:00

I'm kind of reading between the lines so could be way off, but are they making you feel like this to refuse the money and then give it to your sister?
You have done amazing to have done so well with all your kids and mortgage almost paid! Take the money and do as you please, get the cheaper car and keep rest in savings, although don't forget to reward yourself too for your hard work like a holiday or something. Enjoy OP.

Schnooze · 15/02/2023 11:04

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:53

Mum, is that you?

The fact that a car that costs all of the remainder would be less use to me than a cheaper (and still good) car AND savings in the bank in case (say) said car needs a new clutch, is not an issue to you?

I am stable but I cannot afford to save. To me it would be wonderful to know I have a cushion in savings just in case. If the washing machine were to conk out right now I would be FB looking for one that might last a year or so, and in a year or so I would be there again.....

Surely savings and a half decent car is better than an almost brand new car and no savings?!

Show quote history

What do they say when you say this to them?

Blueink · 15/02/2023 11:44

Family dynamics can be difficult, it’s lovely you are so close to your sister and she is in your corner.

If you choose to take the money, agree home improvements like energy efficient heating, insulation plus decent appliances (washing machine, fridge freezer etc) that are A energy efficient and under warranty will be good investments that save you money with COLC. Do DP know you are scrabbling around on Facebook? I would have that be priority over a car once your mortgage is paid off.

I would also focus on an energy efficient car if there is money left over after the above.

These will allow you to make your own savings.

Gardengirl108 · 15/02/2023 14:57

Take the mortgage being paid off, take the gift of the car and squirrel away the money you would have spent on your mortgage to start building your cushion of savings.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 15/02/2023 15:47

Buy the car and pay the mortgage. Because then you won't have a mortgage left to pay so can save that money instead? Or do you have to sell the house?

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 15/02/2023 17:21

Lot of unpacking to do, understandably. Accept the money and do what you want with it. What's she going to do besides nag you all the time?

MRex · 15/02/2023 17:51

OP can't just spend the money on whatever she likes. That's the point. Her parents want to turn up and pay for the item directly to prove that is what the money is spent on.

wordler · 15/02/2023 19:31

MRex · 15/02/2023 17:51

OP can't just spend the money on whatever she likes. That's the point. Her parents want to turn up and pay for the item directly to prove that is what the money is spent on.

Yes but she could sell the car the very next week and spend the proceeds on anything she wants.

Angrywife · 15/02/2023 21:04

Just be careful if you do accept the car, it doesn't become their taxi!
"We bought you the car, the least you can do is take us to xy and z!!"

Petlover9 · 16/02/2023 17:12

Comedycook · 12/02/2023 22:56

Even if you don't use the money exactly as you wanted you're still better off taking it than not taking it...

Agree with this ^. take the money and remind them of your age and say you WILL buy a car when you have found what you want and as an adult you can manage and will have an RAC inspection done. Get a savings account and do not discuss it any more, just change the subject but you will feel secure with a bit for rainy days, seems sensible to me. Bank the cheque as soon as poss

Petlover9 · 16/02/2023 17:15

CohenTree · 13/02/2023 10:05

Take the money and then do what you wish with it.
Once it is in your bank account your family has no power over it.

Agree with this

WickedStepmomNOT · 16/02/2023 23:07

Petlover9 · 16/02/2023 17:15

Agree with this

Show quote history

But they're not giving her the money, they are going to spend it on her behalf - take her shopping!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/02/2023 23:58

WickedStepmomNOT · 16/02/2023 23:07

But they're not giving her the money, they are going to spend it on her behalf - take her shopping!

Show quote history

Yes, so many people commenting have missed that crucial point! The OP's sister has been handed a cheque, to use as she wishes, but the OP's parents will be spending the money for her and it will never hit her bank account for her to choose how to use it (even to the extent it seems to have been given to her ex, FGS, rather than her, to pay off the mortgage!).

SarahsHoneydew · 18/02/2023 18:02

You said you can’t afford to save but surely if the money clears your mortgage you’d have your old mortgage payment money spare and could save that. For me it would a nice dilemma to have but I understand your situation

Im99912 · 18/02/2023 18:27

Take the car
sell it
tell parents it been written off/ stolen
buy a cheap run around
invest the rest of the money

well that’s what I would do

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 18:38

SarahsHoneydew · 18/02/2023 18:02

You said you can’t afford to save but surely if the money clears your mortgage you’d have your old mortgage payment money spare and could save that. For me it would a nice dilemma to have but I understand your situation

I got the impression that the remaining mortgage wasn’t that much that it would make a significant difference to outgoings. I think the issue was more that PIL insisted the balance went towards a new car when OP had other priorities.