to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Sorry if I’ve missed it in all the posts but can you just ask your parents why you can’t just have a cheque like your sister has? They’ve decided to gift money to you both so I don’t see why the terms would be different for each child.

2nd hand cars sell at very good prices these days. Buy one with them, then sell the next day and take the money for what you want?

might make a small loss , but hey they’ll know not to treat you like an 11 year old anymore…50 years old and they pull this stunt 🤦‍♀️

I would put the whole lot into my mortgage minus car works, and say opps! Sorry about that. What can they do apart from agree or continue to judge you as you say they do. You have done bloody well, don't know your history but 6 children, single mum and about to be mortgage free at 50 ... I can hear the applause 👏 🙌

I think yiu are being very sensible with how yiu want to spend the money. How can yiue mum not see that, that you don't want to splash the rest of the cash on a car, when yiu want to buy a cheaper one and save the rest for a rainy day. Have yiu said this is what you want to do with it. Good luck.

blimey @Roundabout78 do you need a chisel for your enormous chip 😂

If you pay off your mortgage you can keep putting the same amount you'd usually pay into savings it'll soon build up. It's a nice gift, forget what happened with your sister it's not your concern just focus on yourself 🤷

I haven’t much to add… but I’m sorry this has been presented to you like this.

Just say you have found a car, get the money transferred and then say it fell through?!

Saying no to the ‘gift’ will cause tensions anyway, so I would just bite the bullet and have it out with them (her) about the issue around you choosing how to spend your money as your sister has.
FWIW I would also say no with these stupid conditions especially as you have such a small mortgage and just want to have a buffer for the future, she is being a right muppet in trying to force you to get a new care.
Stop being a pushover like your dad and letting things slide for a quiet life, and actually tackle the real issue, your mum.

*car

I think this is missing the point!!

Buying new cars at the moment you'll not lose thousands on it. New cars are in short supply, people are waiting up to a year for them.
This in turn means nearly new are more expensive than new.
I know someone who was trying to buy a BMW the ex demo was 20% more expensive than new.

On the back of this thread I looked to see what my a similar car to what I'm currently driving would cost - the same as I paid 3 years ago.

The question is can you detach your emotions from this and see it as a business transaction?
You could be mortgage free and have a new (presumably more reliable) car. This would allow you to put your current mortgage payments into a savings account for 18 months to give you a bit of a buffer.
Sounds like the relationship with your mum has been toxic for a long time. Only you will lose out if you say no to the money. Saying no will not improve your relationship and she will not shave her view, in fact it will probably reinforce her view about your questionable/reckless decision making.
If you can view it purely as a business transaction that might be helpful.

Not change her view*

You sound pretty incredible - well done for everything you have achieved. I would take the money.

@PyongyangKipperbang I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I know lots of friends and family members whose parents have similarly screwed up approaches to being 'fair' when in reality they are treating one child (appreciate you are an adult but you are their offspring!!) preferentially. I'd write an email or letter, and say what you want to do with the money and how that is far more financially responsible than just buying a more expensive car. I would say how them just giving your sister a cheque and treating you differently is making you feel. I would ask them to reconsider, and say that if they won't and don't trust you to make your own financial decisions as an adult then you respectfully decline the gift as it isn't then a gift but more about control. Based on your description of your mother I'd expect her to shush you and say you're being ridiculous, and not at all acknowledge the difference in treatment. Perhaps worth your sister raising it too in case they listen more to her. Finally I'd re-evaluate your wider relationship with them and the help you offer - not out oc spite but to make them realise how much they rely on you and what that means about how responsible you are.

I had this from my parents when I was younger told them to stuff it. In the end they actually sold all of our trusts as they needed the money themselves.

Money with expectations is not a gift, just a way to manipulate

Op how would it work if you increased your mortgage - let them pay it of and with the money you increased the mortgage by get a car?

I may be missing something here but could it be that your parents know you would buy a cheaper car to spread the rest of the money around your family? Could it be that they want to make sure you have a treat yourself- a good car that will last?
why not let them give you ( you) a gift that is better than you would usually alow for yourself and will last longer?

Long conversation with my sister tonight. Turns out that something else has happened that I didnt know about and she didnt know that I wasnt asked about. It is something to do with this whole situation (a conversation with an IFA) that was offered to sister and not to me. She turned it down, I would have taken them up on it but I wasnt asked.

It has further cemented my feelings on this.

My sister is disgusted, again she assumed that we both had the same ie, a cheque and a choice. She is going to speak to them tomorrow, so we will see.

ANd it isnt that she wouldnt do stuff for my parents, she really would but they never ask her, and she told me tonight that actually it upsets her that they always ask me and not her. Goes to show that we are both trapped in our boxes. Luckily we are genuinely close, there is no animosity between us at all.

She thinks that our parents are doing this from a good place, and I agree, but also thinks that the way they have gone about it is completely wrong. I bought up a couple of issues about the financial rules over this gift that she hadnt considered so hopefully this will also help clear up a few things all round.

THanks for you help in helping me work through this.

I am still coming down on the side of refusing the money but I am prepared to discuss it now, and will make a more considered decision based on their reaction.

The daft thing is that if they really want every penny spent (and I have information that suggests it may need to be due to the law around how they have accessed the money) then I could squeeze so much more out of it that we need than one single car! Home improvements that have been desperately needed for years would be a far better way to spend it, if I cant save it, and a cheaper car. But we shall see......

Hopefully your sister will talk some sense into them but it is grating that they would listen to her but not you.

Try and get some arguments prepared for how home improvements is a better investment than a car. How it will add value to your house and reduce energy costs whereas a car depreciates

Hopefully your sis can talk some sense into them.
But don't cut off your nose to spite your face. £25k could really make a huge difference to you and your situation.

She likened the situation to parents who insist on contributing to a childs wedding and then demanding a certain menu, a whole list of their friends as guests and deciding who the bridesmaids should be "Well we are paying!!". A very good analogy and more accurate than either of us like. She said that they are buying an opinion that they have no right to. She pointed out that knowing them, unless I basically agree to whatever they want, I cannot get it right.

Do you know what car you want, have you priced it?
Would you be happy for them to give you a car?

Thats the thing..... I have an idea but I want some time to have a good long look and take the advice of a couple of very car savvy friends. They are both very knowledgable (not your average tyre kicker who watches Top Gear and thinks they know it all!). I would give myself as long as it took to get the best I can. The way my father was talking, they have looked at cars, found some that they think would be good and so we should go shopping.

Given that they have bought brand new from the same dealership for the last 18 odd years.......well yes they can just walk in and choose one. Second hand? Not so much! They dont seem to realise just how much a difference there can between X Make and Model for (say) £12k and the same but at a different dealership.