to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

You don't win, and you just end up resentful, hurt, and with no paid off mortgage or new car.

Is self respect not worth anything? Mine is more valuable (and more important to me) than a new car.

You can win against someone like the OPs mother, depending on what you count as winning. Having self respect and refusing to compromise your own boundaries is winning as far as I'm concerned.

OP: don't do this. It will be playing into their narrative that you're not trustworthy with money.

Your choices are either take the gift on their terms or turn it down. For reasons of pride I understand your feelings completely, and would agree with your inclination to do the latter.

A gift with strings - more like ropes - attached is not a gift, particularly if its intention is to keep you compliant and in the role of feckless, irresponsible child they've apparently designated to you. There are other costs other than the more obvious monetary kind, and the cost of accepting this gift in meek acquiescence to their conditions in their demands is, IMO, too great.

Stick to your principles: you'll have lost nothing and have nothing to regret.

People will be telling you this is an overreach, but I agree.

The gift already has strings attached. It's not that great a leap of faith to deduce that there are more strings, if not yet visible, also attached.

Whichever is the case, this places OP under an obligation that might end up being of far greater cost than financial.

OP, I had a cunning plan last night to get you a bit of savings. (I have done this before). Ask your mortgage company to switch to interest only for a year or so, save the difference, and then go back to repayment. With such a small mortgage, it probably wont make much difference to your repayment amount, and you'll have a bit in the bank for emergencies. ;)

People saying ‘accept the car’ have no idea what families like this are like. They make you live every single day feeling like you’re in debt.

I think the term is “poisoned chalice” sums it up unfortunately.

Actually, I do know what families like this are like. And I accepted the car. In my case it was a hand-me-down car, and it is cheap to run and still going strong more than 15 years later. I was like the OP, who in another thread said that a 5K windfall would be a massive windfall to her, but now is refusing 25K that would ultimately help her and her children.

The OP’s mother went behind her back to her ex husband, who had at one point tried to kill the OP. This was to find out the settlement figure on the mortgage. She lied to him and said that the OP was fully aware of her actions. Still think it’s generous ?

I have stopped thinking of it in terms of a "gift". I am now thinking of it in terms of me being bought.

My being bought comes with more strings than a puppet show. My sisters gift was given, end of.

For those suggesting that they may have a point about me being feckless, the reason I am posting so late is that I took another late shift to increase my income and spent the last hour since I have been at home sorting out uniforms, food etc for tomorrow as I am on another late then too.

I dont recall saying anything in a previous thread but I may well have done. Yes, 5k no strings would be a fabulous windfall....thinking lottery win or similar. But would be a genuine windfall. This is not. This feels like buying my gratitude and my ability to say "no".

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I do appreciate all the responses, good and bad.

Oh and I willl be speaking to my sister, hopefully tomorrow.

They sound very controlling and nasty. I think on balance I would rather say no too. Also stop with the help, appointments , etc, pull right back and keep them at a distance. It’s bringing too much grief.

It is their money, a substantial amount, and they want to make sure you are secure- house and car (which you have said is needed).

I appreciate there are issues and emotional hurt from the past but honestly cannot see why you wouldn't accept this gift and be grateful.

Loads of us would love to receive what they are offering you.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Good for you @PyongyangKipperbang for seeing the wood from the trees here.

I hope your conversation with your sister today goes well. Then I think a conversation with your parents is necessary. I'd ever so gently start withdrawing my availability to be at their beck and call as often for starters. Let them start calling on your sister for assistance if they need it, or they can pay someone else to be their go-to person!

Sending you strength to get through these next few days.

I don't think for a moment you are feckless.

Parents like yours assign roles on children to suit themselves.

My friend had it for years.

Her parents assigned her the role of spinster that would stay at home and mind them.

Her other two sisters had familys and were too busy and she was bullied into remaining at home in their large house when she desperately wanted to buy her own place, and easily could with her well paid job.

The guilt was endless to stay, the house was so big, why did she have to be so selfish etc.

This went on well into her 30's and her friends kept telling her to get the hell out.

Her sisters were part of the problem as it TOTALLY suited them that she was there to be on call for two selfish demanding people.

Anyway, she met someone lovely, out of the blue and fell hard.

He had a very ordinary job and her parents were appalled.

Her marriage was greeted with nothing but accusations selfishness and devastation 🙄.

Fortunately the marriage worked out well because her friends were a small bit worried its speed was down to her just wanting to get the hell away.

She moved 30 minutes away and ruthlessly handed over her skivvy position to her sisters.

OP, you have every right to be pissed off at the strings.

Tell your sister SHE needs to step up, because YOU are stepping back.

I think your parents are horrors.

To engage with someone who attempted to kill you is NC territory.

I think you have been conditioned by these awful people to accept shit behaviour.

You deserve so much better than them.

You are a great strong woman.

You need to push back hard and be far too busy to take calls and help.

Let them contact your sister who is suiting herself completely.

Could you buy an electric car? Then save the petrol money?

Just accept it, tell them it's safe in the bank while you look at cars. And then just take a very long time about choosing. In the meantime just invest it as you wish. Once you have the money, they can't MAKE you buy a car! Hopefully it will all get forgotten.

Really helpful, thank you for taking the time to answer.

Why is it whining ? She came here to let off a bit of steam at having strings attached to a financial gift, while her sister is allowed to spend it as she likes. There are a few issues in addition to the money, so I would imagine she’s after a few different points of view before she makes her decision. Nothing wrong with that.

@sofarequired The thing is, as I understand it, that the OP's parents are not transferring the money to her bank account, as they have done with her sister, but are insisting on paying the mortgage off directly (via OP's ex rather than directly through the OP, as well, by the sound of it, which must also be exasperating) but will be physically buying the car they choose for her, and not giving her the money remaining from the £25k after paying off her mortgage to spend on the car she wants, so that if there is any more left over after they've paid for the car, she won't see it.

Honestly OP, reading between the lines about past issues with your mother I think I'd take the money, nod and smile and then stuff them and use it how you want because once you've got it - it's yours to do as you please unless there's a legal agreement in place.

If you could do with the cash then I think this approach allows you to take control but not cut off your nose to spite your face. As a single mum to 6 kids who has achieved financial security etc you've done something amazing so deserve it. I think that's how I'd look at it.

As for anyone saying you're being unreasonable, never underestimate the levels of jealousy seen in some corners.

Maybe OP should try to view it as a “prize”she’s won? In the form of a new car? Let them choose it & be as removed from that process as possible. Mother chooses it the colour, spec fine. And view it as something that’s a random bonus (I know it’s hard not to feel the way she does rightly feel about it but…). Then sell it & use the money how she wishes albeit less than she would have had, had she been given free reign over it from the start.

The thing we are all refusing to understand here is that the sister has not been given the money to do what she wants with. Her circumstances have changed so she needs the money to live on. Otherwise the parents would have expected her to use it to pay off her mortgage. The OP is pissed because the parents have given her a gift for a specific reason - which is their choice to do - take it or leave it.

No, she's fed up of being controlled by her parents and made to feel like shit.

What a nasty and unnecessary comment. This is not about whether anyone will give you money, is it! It's about the OP and how she's being treated.