to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

You can have motorpoint deliver car to your door and you have 7 or 14 days (can't remember which to decide against it).

Standing up for yourself doesn't always bring about the desired results. can see you shamed for "hurting them" in fact.

op i get it, my parents have been v generous but the deal serms to be that I must accept their projections. I am emotion, sensitive and angry. Standing up for myself has been labelled "atrocious behaviour".

Would it work, if you said, that the money you put into savings, would be helpful, if any of your children. (grandkids) needed something?
Then you can say that is why you have brought a cheaper car, so that you can keep more in savings.

Abusive people always frame any pushback or questioning of THEIR behaviour as overly sensitive, over reactions, rude, atrocious behaviour.

Abusive people cannot stand any comeback, or observations about THEIR treatment of you.

I really feel for you OP.
My late mother was difficult and we four were all played off against each other. I have had therapy to process my childhood.
I would tell your parents if the are gifting the money to do as you wish that's great. I wouldn't even give alternative options. Pay your mortgage, get a £10k car and put a savings fund together.
Six children and nearly no mortgage, four self supporting young adults? Bloody marvellous. A teenage pregnancy made you work hard I bet. Who are others to judge? It wasn't illegal then and it isn't now.
As for engaging with a violent ex husband that I would find hard to forgive. My sister's step daughter want to dinner with my stalker. I haven't spoken to her since. Families are a nightmare. Your mother is now an old lady but that doesn't make her 'granny apple pie'. Big girl pants are needed.

I would thank them for the offer. Then tell them that the 25k would be very welcome but only if you are "allowed" to spend it in the way that you see fit for YOUR life. That means a cheaper second hand car and some savings in the bank. IF they are unable to trust you to run your life with your 6 kids in the way that YOU see fit then , much as it hurts to do it, you will have to say No to the gift.

If you cant say that to their face, send an email and explain that you are doing it that way as you have no desire for an argument. You are just stating your position.

Tell them your preference would be for a slightly cheaper car and then the money to savings so that you can maintain the car.

If they insist on putting all the money into a more expensive car - accept it.

Then sell the damn thing the next month and do whatever you want with the money.

Borrow a load more on your mortgage now and tell them you misread it and instead of only having xx to pay off you’ve actually got xxxxx. Money in your account and they’ve still paid it off?!

Can't you explain this to them? Some of it spent on a decent second car and rest to help with life? Or just buy the new car, sell it, get a runaround and quids in? The Trust issue must hurt and is the point of this I know. Maybe time for them to realise you can be trusted and lay it on, heck you sound bloody amazing to me! X

So your mother doesn't trust you. Boo hoo. Take the money and spend it as you please. Not much your parents can do about it after it's gone.

YANBU, it's unfair your sister can do what she wants with it whilst you get dictated to.
You don't have that long on the mortgage, turn it down

I would take the money. Surely it will benefit you to have a new car which doesn’t require much maintenance and, if you don’t accept it, you will need to find money both for savings and to buy a less good car for yourself 🤷‍♀️

Say you have house improvements in mind so I would rather invest it in the bricks and mortar as originally intended. Take the money and spend it gradually as you would have done with your own money and put yours in the bank! There are always things that need doing in a house. And add a bit to what you need to repay the mortgage, thought it would be x but turns out to be x+y we actually had to pay extra to pay off early. You deserve the money as much as your sister.

Have you even read the thread ? It’s not about the money, it’s about the strings attached and the hold over the OP if she accepts it. Would you take money from parents who went behind your back to an abusive and violent ex husband to find out the redemption figure on your mortgage - and then tell him that you had said it was OK ?

I have not read all the posts- too many 😊. Could you be more savvy. For example, go along with your controlling mother, pay off the mortgage then take out another small mortgage at the cheapest interest you can find? Maybe £5000/10000? You would have a rainy day fund and possibly small repayments.

Or increase the size of your mortgage to fit the funds available to repay, I don't know if you could take a repayment holiday for a few months or release some equity.

Seems like such a non issue. It’s hardly strings, they aren’t dictating what car they are buying you they just want to be able to actually gift you a car. It’s not going to feel like that if you take money and buy a car 18 months later. They just want to feel like they’ve been helpful in a tangible way.

Buy a brand new car. After a month, tell your folks you can't get used to it. Sell it, and buy a much cheaper one. Kerching!!

I agree that it’s wrong for them to dictate how a gift is spent, but the other side is - if you clear your mortgage, the money that would cost you monthly goes into savings so you will build a pot up quite quickly. That would sort the issue of a clutch as per your example.

However, buying a car at the moment is pointless - especially a new one! You’d lose thousands as soon as you drive off the forecourt. Second hand cars are at a premium, you’re paying more because they are in short supply.

Have you told them you want to put money into short term ISAs or the like? I’d still say accept it though!

Take the money. Buy the car with the rest of it. Sell it later and get something cheaper. Keep the difference and put it into savings.

I would have a conversation with your parents where you explain, as you did here, what you would want to do with the gift. You are now a responsible adult and need to make your own financial decisions. If they can't gift string free, I would thank them but turn down the offer. If nothing else they may finally see you as the adult you are.

Hmm I understand this scenario and know how it irks. Take the car and part x it if you decide you prefer some cash in the bank

Can you not outright ask... do you not trust me to make my own decisions like my sister was afforded? I am grateful for your gift but feel hurt that I am being monitored on what I am spending the money on?

I'd refuse it text or email "Hi mum and dad, after careful consideration I've decided not to accept the gift from yourselves. The fact that you don't trust me with the money and expect me to get your approval on a car so you can pay for me makes me feel like you view me as a feckless child and don't trust me as you do my sister. Since you feel that way I think it best I also give up the extra helping as I don't feel that you see as a capable adult and you'll feel more comfortable with sister doing that for you."

difficult and I suspect well meaning of your parents nut badly managed. How about take the mortgage money but forget the rest explaining you don’t feel you need to brand new car and would have been investing the money for your retirement and improving your financial resilience.