To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

[Sunflower1000]

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

He is being totally unreasonable and acting like a Victorian!

Cooking food is not 'me time'. Exercising is not 'me time'. Having a bath/shower is not 'me time'. They are all activities that meet your essential physical care needs so do not count as relaxation time.

He's pushed you into the role of default parent where you're carrying the entire emotional load and he's doing the sum total of fuck all. Taking the bins out? Barely a drop in the ocean.

You need to sit him down and talk about getting some equality going on. That's his house and his child too, he needs start pulling his weight and stop relying on you to do it all.

He's an ass. If he is "covering" for you when you go for exercise, then you are doing the same after that. So if you are keeping score (not that it should be like that) then you are back to "even" at that point.

That's not the issue though, the issue is you have a lazy and entitled DH who pays lip service to being a proper parent whilst doing nothing of the kind.

And yes there is such a thing as equal chores and parenting. DH and I do and pretty much always have. He did less whilst I was on mat leave but quickly picked up the stuff he'd missed once I went back , not least because he had one day a week solo with DD from when she was 11m.

This has happened because you have allowed it to happen. Why has he never spent a full day with her? How do you think he will learn if he never does?

Just like me, DH had to learn how to be a parent. So if you went out and forgot nappies/food/drink/nap/hat etc you soon learnt pretty quickly and remembered for next time.

And at 1.5 she’s getting to the point she can tell your husband what she needs.

So he gets his time to exercise AND watch the football, but resents you having time to exercise and cook (which also benefits him?)

He needs to step up and do his fair share, and needs a big reminder that nothing he does is 'helping' you, he is just being an adult in a relationship and a father. I'd be inclined to disappear for a weekend and let him get in with it

He sounds awful. Does he not realise that he is also a parent, not a babysitter?

Week you should like you've got a 1950's housewife set up only your also working nearly full time and carrying the financial responsibility. He is not 'covering' by looking after his child which presumably he agreed to create
I would loose my shit wth that attitude. Could you suggest couples therapy before you send up resentful and contemptuous at his pathetic responsibility shirking?

I voted YABU but actually it was a typo as YANBU! If possible, I think you should try and have a weekend away soon so he is forced to step up. He can do it all, he’s just assuming you’re an expert and can/should. Some significant time with the baby should help??

I’d remind him every time you “cover” him including when he’s working, having a lie in etc and ask him why it’s assumed that you’re the default parent. Based on what you do that will quieten him down quite quickly.
Also I’ve actually found that going out for a day and leaving DH with our DC or even better overnight has gotten him used to knowing the routine much better

In what way is he a 'really good dad'. You are clearly doing more than he is and he's moaning when you ask him to do extra.

Hello. I have an 18m old. I work 2 days a week, DP does 5 WFH 7am-3pm.

Weekdays look like this:
6am. DS wakes. I breastfeed DS. Then DP gets up and looks after him while I snooze. I do night wakings, but DS usually sleeps through
7am - 3pm. I do childcare. I'm often out in the afternoon with DS, but if I'm back at 3/4pm DP will take over looking after DS for a while.
4-5pm DP cooks and we eat
5.30-6pm chill out time, usually we watch some TV with DS
6-7pm bed time, which I do while DP washes up and tidies the living room etc

Weekends - usually we do something together on a Saturday, a trip out somewhere. Sunday mornings I look after DS, Sunday afternoons DP looks after DS

I think this is a fair split. I definitely do more thinking about what DS needs - taking him to Drs, buying clothes, etc. I do the laundry. But I only work 2 days. DP does the bathroom at the weekend and I tend to do the hoovering

I know many Dads who also help out, cook, clean, take the kids to the park.

So he gets as much time as he likes to himself while you do all the childcare and housework and earn more?

The next time he says he 'covered' you (Wtf even is that?!) aka parented his own child remind him that you covered him so he could exercise, watch football, not do any housework and earn less.

And then go away for the whole weekend and do not leave him any instructions

Why the fuck are you pandering to this shit?!

Oh and he isn't a good dad

a good dad doesn't need to be told to feed his child.

A good dad doesn't view looking after his own child for an hour as a favour to its mum

Equal parenting is possible. But not with a selfish arse hole who thinks parenting is an optional favour

What his reason for choosing to have a child? I’ve just spent five days abroad, leaving my husband at home with a seven year old and an also 15 month old, as he’s their papa he looks after them just as well as I do, and as he wanted to be a parent he doesn’t moan about it (beyond the usual parent moans!). When I got home today I had promised my son that I’d watch the rugby, so thats basically where I went, and as he isn’t an arse he didn’t moan about having another three hours of solo parenting. My husband isn’t a great dad, an amazing dad etc, he’s a bog standard normal parent who raises his children, feeds them, cleans them and spends time with them, less than that would be a shit dad.

You only work 80% and yet outearn him. Is he feeling inadequate and compensating for this perceived inadequacy? Have you ever discussed and agreed mutual domestic and childcare responsibilities?

I fear this won't get better unless he finally 'gets it' and steps up. You'll just get more and more resentful and eventually you'll snap.

NB: I would ensure your toddler remains an only child...

I so agree with @Botw1 Tell him the list of times you ‘covered’ for him:
when he has a lie in
when he watches football
when you stay at home and ‘cover’ for him going to work.

He can get to fuck, frankly, I’d be going on strike, no cooking, no washing, nothing to benefit him and certainly (because I’d have the major ick) no sex. What is wrong with him, telling you he ‘covered’ for you? Is parenting only your job but not his? Absolute shite.

Is this for real?

Because before we tackle how much he does or doesn't do for dd and the house, let's do basic math.

For how many hours are you in solely in charge of dd during an average weekend day, so that he is free to do what he wants/needs?

For how many hours is he solely in charge of her so that you can do other things? What are you doing during the time he is in charge of her?

You should each have equal leisure time. Exercise may be leisure time. Cooking dinner is not. Not even if you enjoy it.

Of course an equal split is possible! It just requires two partners who believe they are equals and want to treat each other and their child with love and respect.

Unfortunately, he doesn't think you are his equal.

He thinks your job is to service him by keeping his house clean and raising his child, and therefore any time he takes out the bins or does some crap, half-arsed parenting he has done you a favour so you owe him even more.

You're not 'the boss' in this scenario, you're 'the worker', and your work is so irrelevant to him he doesn't even need to consider petty details like your child's routine.

Tell him you will only cover for him once in the day -
he can get up later, exercise, or watch the football.
and he would probably benefit from you leaving DC with them for the day.
he’ll learn about feeding her and changing nappies.
tell him you are sick of covering for him all the time.

I like the suggested idea of weekend away and leaving him to it but I don't think that would work as his parents are nearby and when I was doing my Keep In Touch days at work there were 3 of them looking after DD. He even suggested we both rest in bed and send DD to them when we both picked up cold from her. I have my suspicion that his attitude comes from over caring mum who was always so supportive but never complained so he doesn't really realise what's required to run a household and if he needs help his parents are on a doorstep.

What's he actually bringing to the table?

You earn more.
You do all the parenting.
You do all the admin.
You do all the cleaning.
You do all the food planning, shopping and cooking.

And he...?

Write down all the times you cover for him:

6-7am
His exercise time
His Footie time.

Versus your exercise time.

Why does he think he is entitled to more than you?

Tell his parents they what he is like.

That he views watching the kid for an hour is a favour.

You don't want them stepping in.

Have you actually discussed any of this with him and told him how shit he is?

Have you told him he's not covering you?

Have you told him how pathetic it is he can't look after his own child alone without instruction?

Have you asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to be such a shit dad? Why he thinks it's acceptable to do no housework?

I think he sees us as equal but when it comes to thinking ahead/getting organised or prioritising that's when the shortcomings come. He used to hoover once a week but now says he just doesn't have time and if I point during the day that he is watching tv and could hoover he says he needs time to relax/it's not the right time etc. I would always put the basic chores on the top of priority list (ie once the house is in reasonable state, food shop taken care of then we can attend to leisure activities) but maybe men's brains work differently.

I would point out he has his me time when he exercises and when he goes to football. That you do, and list it all, and he does, and list it all, including the lie in he gets and you dont

i would then tell him you will be doing cooking in the evening and start to force the issue of him looking after his child