To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

[Sunflower1000]

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

Yet another thread where the standard for a ‘good Dad’ is shockingly low.

Changing a nappy is not more than what most men would do in 2023. This guy is taking you for a fool. You need to sit down and both write down everything you do around the house and for the baby. Then split it to reflect the fact that you work 20% less than he does. Anything else is unfair.

If you have time, so does he. Does he not think you need to relax, too?

How is he a ‘good dad’?

I go out all the time for nights out, days out or whatever with friends. My baby is 11 months old. I just leave DP with baby. I don’t tell him what to do or anything. I literally just grab my car keys and go.

when I get home from a day out or work he’d have bathed her, changed her, home out somewhere with her, fed her, done the laundry and put her to bed.

That’s not even him being a ‘good dad’ that’s just him being a dad and doing the basics.

I’ve even gone away overnight since she’s been born, she was around 7 months. I didn’t tell him what to do, I just packed my bag, got in the car and kissed them goodbye.

I can’t believe you even have to tell him to feed her and exactly what. Im actually shocked.

He even says ‘covered for you’, about his own child?!!
why do you think he’s a good dad? Because he plays with her and watches her for an hour here and there? That’s terrible!

I don’t say this often but I would actually leave him. It’s disgraceful.

Ooooh this sort of thing makes my blood boil. You should have totally equal down time.

Does he not realise you’re covering him whilst he has a lie in and whilst he exercises and watches football? Plus cooking is an essential chore, not a pastime!

On the day she isn't working, she is looking after a toddler all day. It isn't a day off.

Then split it to reflect the fact that you work 20% less than he does.

Split to reflect that she is already doing a full day of extra child care and housework, you wanted to say.

He is not covering for you, he is being a father - you need to change the narrative.….and please stop his football time. If you don’t get football time, neither does he.

If he's so convinced that he's doing a good job, ask him what life would be like for your daughter if she had two parents like him.

Ask him to swap time off and chores for a weekend. See how he thinks then.

I thought I had better RTFT in case anyone has said this, and they have.

It's very easy for mothers to think that they are the only ones who can "do it properly", but there are many ways to "do it properly". Before writing your partner off as a useless arse, do have a think about whether you have suggested to him, even implicitly, that your way is the best and only way.

I wrote my husband off as a useless arse, but I now accept that some of the problems were the result of me "knowing best" where the children were concerned, and then being pissed off with him for trying to do it his way (which, in my book, meant doing it badly).

We are divorced now, btw, and his (in my view) "inability to parent his children" played a big role.

Except there are 2 days at the weekend, so why aren’t these lie ins split?

And fuck off to the football time. I’d sit and watch it with him.

Funny how these useless sexist dinosaurs are always "great dads".

It's like they all spend half an hour a day with their kids pulling faces or whatever, maybe change the odd nappy and convince themselves this makes them great dads so they bang on to their wives about what great dads they are.

He's not a great dad. A great dad would realise that he is not "covering" because he allows you to perform basic ablutions.

When he says he 'covers for you' is he saying that you are the parent and he is doing you a favour by parenting his own child? Or does he mean that he is fine covering for you as long as you cover for him the same amount of time?

Have you added up all the time you're both working? As in looking after a baby is work. House chores, cooking and shopping is work. Paid work and commuting is work. How does that compare?

It sounds like he thinks he deserves more leisure time than you. Ask him why he thinks he is more deserving of rest time or me time or whatever its called than he thinks you are. If its because you work less paid hours, then point out he can't have it both ways, if childcare and housework on your day off isnt considered work then he can do his share when he is off since it's so relaxing. Why does he deserve a lie in every day and you don't? Why is he consistently too tired to do housework but hasnt done anything about it (gone to the doctors, got a cleaner, put a system in place to do a small amount every day so it's not too 'tiring'), why does he think its OK to leave his share to you? When you speak to him avoid words like 'helping' or 'you always...'...and talk more in terms of 'doing his share' and the effect on you and how you feel about it.

But in all honesty it's a fucking disgrace he wouldn't feed his own child unless someone promoted him. I mean, that's neglect. He is neglecting his own child unless someone micro manages him not to. I don't really know how you still have any respect for him

Do you not say - and I had DD while you exercised and watched football??

just point out the difference in time to him. Surely he can’t argue with that?

Oh and a 50 50 split is possible. My husband is has the kids for the next couple of nights as I'm away on business. I'm not the main earner however he moves his work diary around to accommodate my career. I know I'll get back and he will have fed them properly, arranged his work around pick ups and drop offs, sorted out putting all the washing from the weekend away, got the right school stuff ready for the right days etc etc. Done homework. Without me reminding him. And I do the same when he is away

Men's brains aren't biologically any different. Me and my friends were discussing whether they become different over time due to some synapses, neurons, pathways being under utilised so they die off / or others never being created through nurture, rather than nature. Either way he can bloody well make some new ones! I think he's selfish op but I don't know if he'll see it.

My kids are a bit older now, but our day was, I got up at 6:30 with ds today (dh yesterday), then dh got up, he got the kids breakfasts and dressed, I went for a run then for a coffee. When I got back he walked the dog, I did painting with kids then I took kids to park while dh chopped things in the garden. Then I left kids with him and went to my mums for a coffee and catch up. He cooked a roast and did all the washing up while watching football and looking after the kids. He bathed kids. He went out to play football and I did bedtimes.

I think it’s best to have your weekend away when his parents are on holiday

What a useless twat he is!

Of course 50 50 is possible. If you haven’t married a Neanderthal.

do not have more children by this lazy arse man child.

Do you get a lie in at the weekend too?

Is it a race to the bottom?

You need a real 'come to Jesus' talk. He needs to realise that you both deserve the same amount of time off and that you should share weekends - equal chores, lie-ins, Metime and parenting time. Otherwise what's the point of him??

We have had a chat tonight. I said how I feel and suggested he steps in my shoes for a week, works things his own way and got a backlash. He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult. It was all about his inability to plan meals and do food shop. I explained he got the wrong end of the stick and suggested marriage counselling if we cannot communicate effectively. He got cold feet and started apologising profusely and promised he will do the house cleaning. It still left its mark and I never ever known this dark side of him (been together for over 10 years).