To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

[Sunflower1000]

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

I absolutely had no intention of blaming his mum, quite the opposite I think both his parents are extremely supportive. I think this was the only logical explanation for his attitude I could come up with, that's whatever happens he always relies on his parents to help.

At least your DH only lies in till 7am.

Mine lies till 9.30-10am !!!

This has happened because her DH is a lazy arsehole, not because she’s ‘allowed it to happen’. Why should she live in squalor until he realises that he needs to pull his finger out of his arse?

I would suggest writing down things such as her snack times and meals, what she could eat etc and sticking that on the fridge. That way when he's 'helping' he doesn't need to ask and can look himself. You have my sympathies OP. I would sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling and that you can't continue like this. Given he does help, he probably is willing to put in more effort if he knows how you feel

He sounds absolutely fucking useless and selfish. How can you or he think he's a good dad when he wouldn't FEED or change her unless you prompted him to? Jesus Christ the useless men women put up with.

I would ask him if he thinks you should both have equal leisure time?

If he's a decent guy, he surely can't answer anything but no.

Then sit down together, go through the week and work out a fair balance of leisure time. Don't let him take the piss by saying your exercise is leisure but his isn't or that you cooking is leisure time!

Absolute bare minimum good-enough dad is:
Has a bond with their child
Consistently meets their basic survival needs eg food, drinks, hygiene, sleep
Able to prioritise child's needs over their own
Treats them with warmth and kindness

I'm not sure from your description that he's even meeting the criteria for bare minimum, let alone is a 'good dad'.

Don’t make excuses for him, he’s a fucking lazy piss taking idiot, it’s actually depressing reading about all these useless bloody husbands day after day on here, if he’s competent enough to hold down a job then he’s competent enough to do his share of household tasks.
what a weapon he sounds.

I take it you haven't told him how shit he is then?

Ify dh had ever once used the term covering or helping or babysitting he'd have found himself solely responsible for everything

A really good dad feeds their child without reminder or complaint. Shares childcare responsibility equally.

Do not make a fecking list. He is an adult. He knows what needs doing, he just prefers letting you do it. Or his mum.

I know you just started this thread about one specific issue (is exercise leisure time for you? Is cooking?), but this is existential stuff for your marriage. You will either end up leaving him over this, or staying in what will become a poisonous, bitter marriage as his servant.

Maybe he can change, right? Well, maybe. But he has always been like this. You're just being pushed too far now.

Every time he says that he "covered" for your exercise, point out that you covered for his lie in, his exercise, and his football game. Then ask him to explain how that is fair. And watch him squirm.

And don't have a second child with him.

Sorry I might be missing the point here but why are you getting up at 5.30 on a weekend to tidy. Cant things like tidying up, unloading the dishwasher, watching football, cooking etc be done alongside looking after your DD. Surely she isn't a full time job every minute of the day so you cant get on with other things in tandem. I had 3 under 2 at one stage, it was difficult when they were young and DH and I had no help but we managed to do basic chores. Your days sound very structured and militant.

Subtly find out when his parents are going away next and book a weekend away at the same time.

You did not land a good one here. A very lazy, entitled man is very unattractive.

I would refuse to live with someone like thst.

Have you pointed out that you "cover for him" every time he is exercising, watching football etc?

Does he actually see himself as a father?

The word 'covering' suggests he doesn't. 'Covering' is standing in for the person with the real role. Like sitting at the reception desk for an hour while the receptionist takes her lunch. You do the bare minimum when you cover.

You need to sit him down for a serious conversation.

There is no abuse here, OP isn’t a victim of anything. She has agency and is absolutely in her present situation because she has “allowed it to happen”. If she wasn’t “allowing” it and had somehow only just realised that her DH is a lazy arsehole she would be here asking about divorce, not whether she is being unreasonable! Instead she is saying that men’s brains just don’t think that way and her DH is a good dad.

What do you say when you point out all the times you cover him?

What happens on the days you both work? I bet you get up with your daughter, do drop offs and pick ups, cook everyone's tea, put her to bed and tidy up while he does fuck all.

He is a lazy fucker, he is not a 'good dad' if he sees basic parenting as 'covering'. I wouldn't stand for it, your daughter will be learning that women have to do everything while men don't and the cycle will continue.

I highly recommend the fb group 'bridging the gap'.

You are both parents, so should both be able to look after your little one. Maybe not same techniques or exact routine, but both should know bare minimum of when a child needs food/drinks etc.

If he lived alone, he'd need to do all he is own cooking/dishes/tidying/hoovering/laundry etc etc. Given he has you as his partner, that cuts it down to only doing 50% of that workload because you can share it evenly. Yes having kids adds to these things, but you get the gist!

Men's brains don't work differently.

Some of them are happy to take advantage of a partner who will step in and pick up the slack though.

If your H behaved at work as he does at home - lazy and incompetent and disrespectful toward his colleagues - he wouldn't last long.

For some reason he thinks it's OK to treat his wife as if her time and energy and priorities don't matter, and he has no sense of responsibility toward his own child.

He's not bringing his best game to the home front. Sure, everyone needs to be able to relax at home. No, not before the necessary chores are done. And keeping a running tab of what he imagines he did for you is mean spirited and not a sign of someone who feels he's part of a team.

I would remind him he'd have to manage his DD 24/7 half of every week by himself going forward if you split over this. Put the wind up him.
And make sure your contraception is watertight.

What does he do for work? I can’t imagine anybody can hold down a job, but need reminding their own child needs breakfast. He sounds useless. My husband and I are completely equal in terms of work and parenting. I’ve been laid up for the past two weeks with chronic pain and my husband has done absolutely everything. I’ve not needed to remind him about anything, all clothes have been washed and put away, baby is fed/nappies/etc. we have a weekly cleaner and had more takeaways recently, but that’s fine. He’s been sorting all the nursery stuff out taking/picking up/packing bag etc. He has still found time to look after me, do a full time job, take me to hospital appointments and not complained once. I’ve said that I really need to make it up to him when I’m better, he’s said, ‘why? I’ve not done anything exceptional, it’s what being a father and husband is about’.

In answer to your question, yes I believe an equal split of childcare and work is possible. Everyone is different, but my husband also works full time and like you, I work 4 days. We are both off on weekends as well.

He does anything to do with money, bills, mortgage etc. He’s good with washing and will mostly be on top of this and will take bins out. I do most things to do with our son, e.g. nursery admin, clothes, doctor’s appointments etc. I also mostly do the meal planning and most of food shopping. Other than this, we are largely a team. We share the cooking, cleaning, tidying, sorting, general life admin. If one of us wants to put something in our social calendar like drinks with friends or colleagues, going to a concert, visiting friends, we add it to our shared calendar providing nothing else has already been arranged and the other will have our son. We try and share the weekend get ups so we can each have a lie in for one day. At bedtime, one of us will bath and the other one puts him to bed or starts cooking/unloading the dishwasher.
We try very much not to ‘keep score’ as we are both parents and although I have one day off with our son a week, there is no default parent since I stopped breastfeeding. When I was breastfeeding, he did all the nappy changes.
It sounds like your partner is living in the 60s and believes he’s owed a medal for ‘babysitting’ his own child. I think it’s an absolute joke that he says he covered for you whilst you exercised when he often has time to watch football for several hours! He needs a bloody good shake.

Did he want this child?

Why does he think his time with football is more important than spending time with his child?

Please don’t have another child with this ‘man’ no matter how much you may want a sibling for your child at some point.

Yes, I can do these things with her around (and we do, things like cleaning I try to get her involved in a fun way so she doesn't grow up not knowing what's required) but there are always few things left in the morning, its about trying to get balance of spending quality time with her/doing chores in the background in the limited 3 days we get together