To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

[Sunflower1000]

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

It's either easy to look after a toddler, in which case what's he complaining about, or it's hard, in which case you deserve a break.

You're covering him from 6-7am (worth several hours later in the day) and in the afternoon when he's doing/watching footie. And you're cooking, he's getting the benefit of not cooking and eating a nice meal.

What would it look like if roles were reversed on a weekend, he up at 6, cooking, doing the chores. He's an ass.

Oh please stop making excuses for your lazy manchild of a husband @Sunflower1000 and stop blaming his mother.

He's an adult. This is nothing to do with his mum. Or that he has a penis. It's because he's a terrible lazy shit of a human being.

What exactly is the point of him?

He sees you as an equal but he thinks you should do his share of the housework and childcare so that he can relax?
How is that seeing you as an equal?
Your standards are too low. Imagine how you'd feel if your DD ended up with a lazy, selfish man like this who expected her to serve him.

He is her dad, he should be capable to look after her without being told what to do. Never had this issue with either of my girls.

maybe men's brains work differently

Oh lordy.

He views you as his servant and nanny. That's how his brain works. I find it hard to believe that your relationship was ever equal, but it certainly ain't now.

Most women don't notice the inequality until they have children. Because there's much less in it before dc.

One of the best bits of advice I've seen for parenting is 'don't be the expert in your child'. Let him figure it out, you did.

Give him longer time with her, and every time he talks about covering just say 'she's your child too, you're not her babysitter!'

Even though work nearly as much as him, he sees all house and childcare as your job, and anything he does is only as a favour to you.

The disrespect he has for you must be galling.

It doesn’t matter “where it comes from”. Why have you allowed it to happen?

No OP mens brains don't work differently... don't fall for that shit.

He's a lazy fucker.

He isn’t a great dad because he’s a dick who doesn’t value his wife 🤷‍♀️

not exactly a good role model for your dd

Men's brains do not work differently.

A few months ago I was unexpectedly in hospital with one DC. While I was there DH managed to look after our ither (multiple) DC, get them to school, complete their homework, bath them, put them to bed, clean the house, cook the meals, he even ordered a food shop, did the laundry, and paid the milkman.

Know why?

Because he lives here too and they're his children.

His brain did not implode due to be used in the wrong way.

No. Mens brains don't work differently

But I bet any money when he says he can't (ie won't) hoover you do it?

Oh god this is hard, I've never ever seen him as a lazy person, just someone who hasn't been taught/appreciated what's required to run a household. There were few times pre DD when I got annoyed about doing more than fair share of chores (once I did the list of every single task with tick boxes and put it on the fridge to show him what tiny proportion he was doing but he sort of ignored it).

Your husband is an absolute selfish prick and you are allowing yourself to be his skivvy. Fuck that and fuck him. You can do better.

It doesn't sound like he enjoys spending time with his child if he sees his child as your chore. Do they have no bond? Very sad for the child and you.

Tell him to step up or F off.

If he's intelligent enough to hold down a job, then of course he understands what it takes to run a household. You've even written it down for him.
He sees you parenting your child, so he knows what parenting involves.
Even someone who has never lived with a child knows that they need feeding!

He just thinks all that stuff looks hard and boring and why should he do it when he has a full time housekeeper wife to do it?

Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her).
He doesn't need telling.
He chooses to play the incompetence card in a bid to get you to take on the default parent role even more.

As for him covering for you, give me strength. Being a parent isn't doing you a favour.

There's a lot of men out there who apparently have no idea that they have to feed their children/change a baby's nappy/load a dishwasher without being given specific instructions but magically they seem to manage just fine at work.

More likely than not it's weaponised incompetence.

They do have good bond and that's the reason I think he is a really good dad. But I think he prioritises himself over her, eg when footy is on TV he would tell me that's his only hobby and his "me" time and he doesn't want to play/look after DD.

No. Men’s brains don’t work differently. The fact that you think this way suggests that you yourself have a sexist attitude or that you just have appallingly low standards.

I suggest you write a list* of absolutely everything that needs doing and then do a daily schedule that splits these and also includes so called “me time” for both of you. You can then both see how much downtime you each get. Personally I would go a step further and insist that this is the type of life I wanted for myself and if he couldn’t manage it he should get his marching shoes on. I suspect your DH won’t be able to manage an equal split as he is sexist and thinks housework and childcare is women’s work.

*a grown man shouldn’t require a list but, hey ho, you married a man child.

What does he say when you tell him he isn't covering you and he has to do his share of parenting and housework?

No adult who is capable of holding down a job and doesnt live with their parents is unaware of what is involved in running a house.

Stop pandering to him and making excuses

You're blaming his mum but you're just as bad

I don’t really understand this Op. He claims you have your time when you exercise for an hour, while he exercises, watches football and gets a daily lie in?

I literally cannot imagine how he the gall to say this more than once without being put right in no uncertain terms?

Book a week’s holiday with his mum, and any sisters, aunts and younger female cousins.

Well he can fuck off with the nappy changes. I'd say my DH does the majority of nappies from when I returned to work. So no. He isn't doing more than most men. I'd say most decent guys get stuck in. The arsehols don't- is that his bench mark just to be slightly better than the arsehol Dad's? Pffff.

But, I'd say yabu for expecting him to know where you're upto when he takes over care. DH and I always do a 'handover'. We even say, OK what's the handover? And the conversation will be e.g nappy change at lunch at 1pm, they had xyz. 2pm nappy change. Probably need a snack/sleep at XYZ time, has been doing y may need a quiet activity next etc etc. Like if DC has been running around for 4hrs, a trip to the park might not be the best thing and maybe painting instead.

That's entirely normal for us both ways. And quite similar to the conversation we have at handover with nursery. When you're taking over care you do need a - what's been going on, so everyone knows what they're doing.

I think it's fairly common to have a - you had 2hrs lay in, I want to do Y.

But it shouldn't be a constant battle or fight. There's always going to be days, maybe even weekends where one person felt they did more - but it should balance out over time.

If it isn't, then a conversation needs to happen.

maybe men's brains work differently.

Today DH did the recycling and cleaned the kitchen. I've done the meals and taking DD out to the shops. I didn't coach him or tell him. It's even and works because we each have roles and do them. We both get down time.

I could suggest things you can do to 'fix' this but the fact is he's lazy, sexist and doesn't care. I'm not sure that's fixable. If you want to try you need to get very hardcore. Every time you 'cover' for him you tell him, you keep track of every chore and every scrap of time off. You tell him exactly how much you've both had each week and ask, "do you believe this is fair?" If he thinks it is, he's unsalvageable. If he thinks it isn't, make it his job to change the balance. And check his progress.

Personally I'd plan to leave. I bet his bachelor pad is kept clean. When you're not there to skivvy for him.

He doesn't have a good bond with her and he's not a really good dad. He prioritises what he wants over her needs.

He's a shit dad and she smiles at him when she sees him because he's familiar. He won't even look after her for God's sake!