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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

146 replies

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 17:56

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

OP posts:
newtowelsplease · 12/02/2023 21:30

I think this was the only logical explanation for his attitude I could come up with, that's whatever happens he always relies on his parents to help.

Try this for a logical explanation: he's a lazy lazy fucker. Honestly OP, this is not a good dad.

Glad you have tackled him on it. I hope you pointed out how difficult he is already making your life, the useless twat.

ChildminderMum · 12/02/2023 21:49

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 21:15

We have had a chat tonight. I said how I feel and suggested he steps in my shoes for a week, works things his own way and got a backlash. He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult. It was all about his inability to plan meals and do food shop. I explained he got the wrong end of the stick and suggested marriage counselling if we cannot communicate effectively. He got cold feet and started apologising profusely and promised he will do the house cleaning. It still left its mark and I never ever known this dark side of him (been together for over 10 years).

Wow, he's really shown you who he is.

Orangello · 12/02/2023 21:54

So askinh him to do what you do is 'making his life difficult'? Interesting statement, isn't it.

Mumsanetta · 12/02/2023 21:57

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 21:15

We have had a chat tonight. I said how I feel and suggested he steps in my shoes for a week, works things his own way and got a backlash. He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult. It was all about his inability to plan meals and do food shop. I explained he got the wrong end of the stick and suggested marriage counselling if we cannot communicate effectively. He got cold feet and started apologising profusely and promised he will do the house cleaning. It still left its mark and I never ever known this dark side of him (been together for over 10 years).

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
@Sunflower1000 this is exactly what not allowing this type of lazy, sexist behaviour looks like. Well done. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down again when he inevitably starts sliding back to his own ways when the fear of losing you has simmered down.

When you have previously spoken to your DH about tidying etc he has disrespected you but this evening he listened and backed down. I would have a think about what was different about this evening, bottle it and take a sip when you need to.

AnotherSpare · 12/02/2023 22:09

"He is a really good dad"

But he's not, is he.

I see this so often on here. A woman writes a really long post full of all of the things she is unhappy about in the parenting relationship, then she will add, somewhere in the middle, "he is a really good dad". I despair.

In what way is he a really good dad?
Is it in the way he will change a nappy if you ask him? Is it how he will feed the child breakfast if you remind him? Is it in the way he "covers for you" 🙄 so that you can exercise? Is it in the way he gets up early sometimes with the child so that you can lie in? Oh wait, no, it can't be that one because he doesn't do that.

You need an open and frank conversation where you set and agree together your parenting expectations. He needs to understand that there is no time or occurrence that he is covering for you, it's simply called parenting.

Get this all sorted now while the child is still young, and before you have any more. Otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life parenting him as well as your child, and that's not a fun way to live.

Lulu2171 · 12/02/2023 22:14

Wow I'm sorry OP that's tough. Hopefully that reaction comes from fear or apprehension rather than nastiness. But it's a bit difficult to tell isn't it? But you're really doing the right thing. You don't want DD growing up thinking this is an acceptable contribution from a future partner of hers. Please keep it up. I'd just stay really factual "it's not about point-scoring, but we need to even our responsibilities here, I want us to work together to make that happen". Maybe recreate your fridge list and get him to choose half as a start.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 12/02/2023 22:39

He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult.

Wow. In one sentence he managed to place the blame on you and threaten you.

tothelefttotheleft · 12/02/2023 22:50

He doesn't want to go to marriage counselling because he knows exactly how shit he is being.

He's playing you op.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 12/02/2023 22:58

Covering for you, like he is doing you a favour by looking after his own child. FFS.

Snugglemonkey · 12/02/2023 23:06

Botw1 · 12/02/2023 18:36

Tell his parents they what he is like.

That he views watching the kid for an hour is a favour.

You don't want them stepping in.

Have you actually discussed any of this with him and told him how shit he is?

Have you told him he's not covering you?

Have you told him how pathetic it is he can't look after his own child alone without instruction?

Have you asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to be such a shit dad? Why he thinks it's acceptable to do no housework?

This. Especially stressing that it seriously impacts your respect level for him. That if you do not respect him, you cannot be with him and that everyone needs to have a wee think about that because the scenario you are describing has a very short shelf life. It definitely does not equate to a long and happy relationship. So people need to start making choices differently if your family has a chance at staying together.

Snugglemonkey · 12/02/2023 23:09

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 19:02

They do have good bond and that's the reason I think he is a really good dad. But I think he prioritises himself over her, eg when footy is on TV he would tell me that's his only hobby and his "me" time and he doesn't want to play/look after DD.

Show quote history

This makes him a shite parent. As does the fact that you had to go as far as list making etc make him a shitty partner. He is selfish and you have enabled him. Stop.

Snugglemonkey · 12/02/2023 23:12

Orangello · 12/02/2023 20:01

Then split it to reflect the fact that you work 20% less than he does.

Split to reflect that she is already doing a full day of extra child care and housework, you wanted to say.

Definitely this!

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 23:15

He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult.

His reaction was to threaten you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 00:42

The reason you've never seen this side to him is that you've never actually done anything to make him think you're serious. Schedules on the fridge don't elicit this response because they don't actually affect him. Th second you look like you're actually going to expect an equal partner, he threatens you.

This is not a good man.

PartyHelp · 13/02/2023 01:05

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 18:56

Oh god this is hard, I've never ever seen him as a lazy person, just someone who hasn't been taught/appreciated what's required to run a household. There were few times pre DD when I got annoyed about doing more than fair share of chores (once I did the list of every single task with tick boxes and put it on the fridge to show him what tiny proportion he was doing but he sort of ignored it).

He's a lazy selfish arsehole and his brain doesn't work differently he is just doing as little as you let him away with.
Tell him he should have your DD 50% of the time at weekends and he isn't covering for you, he is looking after his child!

mathanxiety · 13/02/2023 01:10

You must be feeling rather shaken by that ugly threat that's now hanging over you. But his hostility was clear when he let you know he was keeping a scorecard of what he saw as his entitlement to leisure time.

Does he think marriage counseling is some sort of referee service that would give him a red card or send him to sit in the corner? He must be aware that he's completely - objectively - out of line to have had that reaction to the idea of counseling.

Is it even on the table any more, as far as you're concerned?

Partyandbullshit · 13/02/2023 01:14

Aaaaand, another thread by a woman who earns more than her husband and does more of the family’s work too.

WHY do women get themselves into these situations?? Why do they let their male partners humiliate and disrespect them like this?? Just why? Is it desperation?? Low self esteem? Who is raising these girls to be women who think so little of themselves?

mackthepony · 13/02/2023 01:36

You're not having it all, you're doing it all

He's living a life of Riley

And he's quite happy to let you do everything

That's the bottom line

minipie · 13/02/2023 02:15

He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult.

Wow. He realllly doesn’t want to pull his weight does he? Nasty. Good luck OP. I hope you can get him to change but I’m not optimistic.

Ortegaa · 13/02/2023 05:55

I'd be sitting him down with a list of everything you do, and work through that list assigning things to him. He's a prick. Me and my husband are 50/50 everything. We earn the same, we share the housework. If your DH doesnt like it he knows where the door is.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 06:18

Next time he says he’s covering for you I’d say what do you mean? We are both her parents so why are you acting like I’ve employed a babysitter. Don’t back down now you’ve raised this. He does the bins and that’s it? Men are perfectly capable of doing what women do, my boyfriend has custody of his kids and does everything I do in his home. Men will just let someone else do it if they can. Sounds like his example has been his parents dynamic. You need to carry on raising it now you have, don’t back down and make him see what you do and how little he is

Rainbowqueeen · 13/02/2023 06:25

If your DH was a sole parent your DD would be neglected

Id insist on the marriage counselling despite what he says about pulling his weight. Did he back that up by telling you what nights he would cook this week or say what rooms he’s cleaning this weekend?? There’s a slight possibility he might change but I don’t think that’s at all likely without outside input.
Have a look at this too as a starting point for splitting jobs vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

Id also start getting my ducks in a row. Best wishes

cptartapp · 13/02/2023 07:21

Sunflower1000 · 12/02/2023 21:15

We have had a chat tonight. I said how I feel and suggested he steps in my shoes for a week, works things his own way and got a backlash. He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult. It was all about his inability to plan meals and do food shop. I explained he got the wrong end of the stick and suggested marriage counselling if we cannot communicate effectively. He got cold feet and started apologising profusely and promised he will do the house cleaning. It still left its mark and I never ever known this dark side of him (been together for over 10 years).

No. You don't want him to do the house cleaning. That's childcare avoidance. Tell him he can spend more alone time with DD instead.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2023 07:49

He actually said: you are trying to make my life difficult, I can make your life difficult
He's showing you who he is here OP.

If he really was a lovely person who was genuinely incompetent and couldn't function in life then he'd be mortified to hear how you feel and would respond by actively wanting to make things better.

Unfortunately, like many other men in this situation, he's annoyed that he's being told he needs to pull his weight, so he'll make a threat, get moody, promise to change, probably do a little bit so it looks like he's trying, and then go back to business as usual.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/02/2023 07:57

WHY do women get themselves into these situations?? Why do they let their male partners humiliate and disrespect them like this?? Just why? Is it desperation?? Low self esteem? Who is raising these girls to be women who think so little of themselves?

It's a very good question and I think a lot of it is just the ghost of many generations of our descendents feeling they had to tolerate this.

Most women today don't need to tolerate this from a financial perspective but as you say it's very interesting that so many people seem to have something in their DNA that tells them that's all they deserve. Even though many of us are able to be self-sufficient if we want to.