To expect husband to know what toddler needs and not make me feel guilty for doing things for myself

[Sunflower1000]

This might be a long rant but there it goes. We have 1.5year DD and my DH is very supportive on the surface but I always have to ask him to help or tell him what to do. He works full time, I work 4 days. I do all house admin, meal planning and food shop and cleaning. He does the bins. We are both off at weekends. The typical weekend day would start at 5.30 for me to have half an hour to tidy up, unload dishwasher etc and have my breakfast. Then DD is usually up at around 6ish, I get her ready for the day, do her milk, teeth and we play. DH always has a "lie in" till around 7. Then I ask him to look after her for an hour (ish) when I go for a run or swim (he needs telling that she needs breakfast/snack depending on the time or he wouldn't feed her). Then he does his exercise. We usually go on a nice walk or drive to a nearby towns/attractions. DH loves football so I take DD on a walk in the afternoon so he can have couple of hours to himself. The disagreements start in the evening. I like cooking and I feel like this is my "me" time but DH gets funny about it and reminds me he "covered for me" when I went for a run. He is a really good dad but I hate that every time we have slight disagreement he reminds me that I have my me time when exercising, makes me feel like a prisoner. To be honest I am so fed up I feel like not fighting him and just getting DD in the running buggy (I have one) and taking her with me and never asking him for any help. He loves spending time with DD (when he is not watching footy) but I completely don't understand why he has to tell me that he did such a big favour when he was "covering for me". He is also clueless about DD's meals, naps. It's like he never registers what's required and would know what to do if he was left with her for whole day. Before DD was born I asked him to read a book but he said he wasn't a books person. He does change nappies when I ask him and claims that's way more than many men would do. I guess I am tired of being the "boss" all the time and being the default parent and still holding (better paid job). Is there such thing as equal split of childcare and house chores even possible? I don't mind doing everything and I feel I should never complain as it was a long journey to get DD and I appreciate every moment with her and really don't mind the chores but I hate feeling guilty when I exercise.

Wow

you: I’m upset, I feel unhappy, I need your help

him: watch out as I’m going to be fucking horrible and make your life worse.

Nice.

Doing more housework is not enough. He needs to look after his own child and not just 'cover' when you do some exercise.

Why doesn't he do her bath and bedtime tonight OP? There is no reason why he shouldn't if you're both at home, it shouldn't be one parent's job more than the other.

In our house one of use does bedtime while the other one tidies up, does the dishwasher sorts laundry. It then means once the kids are asleep all the jobs are done.

I know this is a tiny issue in the scheme of things, but watching TV is not a hobby. I like watching streaming services and knitting on YouTube. That's not a hobby either. It's a bit of downtime and relaxation, but that's all. Calling it a hobby makes it appear more necessary and reasonable than it really is. Let's call it what it is - lazy time.

He sounds awful op.

So I was right. He's a terrible shit of a human being

Thats some nasty selfish loser you have there.

You have been in huge denial OP.

Awful husband.
Awful father.

All the while you make excuses for him.

You can't leave the house for one hour to be told he is "covering" for you.

Your standards are so low that you cannot see these are words that would only come out of the mouth of a loser.

You saw the real him with his nasty side exposed.

He knows well that he is a lazy selfish twat and he likes it.

Men like him love no one but themselves.

Unfortunately you have allowed this to go on.

Lazy selfish men like him don't morph into decent ones when a child arrives, they get worse, a lot worse.

Don't have another child with this waster.

Stop making ridiculous excuses for him.

He's not a good man.

The first time you stood up to him, he got nasty......that is who he is.

You deserve better than him and so does your child.

Now that the scales have fallen from your eyes, toughen up.

This is your life unless you toughen up a lot and stop making excuses for the lazy selfish waster you married.

Next time he says that:

”And I cover you for an hour every morning, for your exercise and your footie game so your point is what exactly?”

Or just kick him out. He adds no value to your life.

Remember OP, you just were asking him to share the load and his go to response was to THREATEN you.

THREATEN you.

Thats who you are married to.

Have a good long hard think about how you feel being threatened by your husband.

Is this really the type of waster you want to be with long term.

His mask slipped and you saw who he is, realy is,...... the type of loser who would THREATEN their wife.

This is much bigger than him just being lazy.

If he doesn't get things his way he would make life difficult for you....that's where his mind went to, to lash out.

I wouldn't ever fully trust him again.

Be very wary.

These are the choices of men out there! I think it takes a while to realise you are the doormat and pick yourself up

@billy1966 hard agree. I don’t see how someone can go from being “a good dad” to threatening his wife because she asked him to do more childcare and housekeeping in a matter of hours. He actually threatened her! Either this man has done a very good job of masking his true self (and needs to get himself on stage pronto) or she has glossed over it this whole time.

Are they really though?! If that’s the truth I would rather use a sperm donor than attach such a dead weight to my ankle for the rest of my life. Being married to someone like this must be like a suicide of every hope and dream you had of marriage and family life.

He sounds selfish.

Yes, an equal split is possible. DH works full time and I don't, but at weekends he'll look after DC and give them breakfast to give me a bit of a lie-in. He does bathtime whilst I cook (I enjoy cooking but it's definitely not me time!). He washes up whilst I put DC to bed. I do the laundry but he does the ironing.

At the weekend I usually have a couple of jobs that I ask him to do, like hoovering. He also has jobs which are automatically "his" (bins, anything car related, mowing the lawn) which I just leave to him.

I also periodically leave DC with him for half a day. I do tell him roughly when DC should be napping and eating but he's perfectly capable.

I consider that as an equal split. Your DH sounds like he's not even doing the minimum.

Families I know who did not have an equal split have mostly ended up outsourcing stuff eg getting in a cleaner/gardener etc.

I don't see a problem in asking grandparents for help if you're both ill though.

My money is on the latter.

Huge denial going on IMO.

She has been house skivvy for a quiet life, probably knowing that he might be nasty, but having pushed it now, has it confirmed.

Men like him keep women in line with an underlying threat that they could be nasty.

He's just confirmed it.

She's been lying to herself about what a nasty waster he is.

Poor child with a father who feels minding her for an hour is a burden.

It's always the children I feel most sorry for, having such a loser for a father.

A sperm doner is more honest....less pretense that they add any value to a childs life or anyones for that matter🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

Oh good grief OP, so you asking him to step up and play his part is you making his life difficult? But he's perfectly fine for you to do it all?

What he means is that he's quite happy being a lazy bastard and having you running around like a domestic servant, and is very upset about there being any expectations placed on him

And you say you've been putting it down to him not being taught what's required to run a household. Did you enjoy your household management training course? Or are you just an adult with eyes and a brain who can see what needs doing and does it, like pretty much every other adult (apart from lazy men obviously)

Can't see anyone else has recommended either Laura Danger (That Darn Chat) on Instagram or Eve Rodskys Fair Play method. Both relevant to this situation.

Course you haven't seen this side of him because pre kids you probably liked looking after him. Now you have an actual baby to look after and he does fuck all and expects to carry on like that. Push for the marriage counselling as he knows he is taking the piss and csnt defend it.

I also recommend @ Clarabelletoks on Instagram as she highlights the absurdity of weaponised incompetence.
www.instagram.com/reel/CnkRowFqREa/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

He's useless

He's lazy and inadequate and you're enabling this pathetic male. Do better

So he views you asking him to do his fair share of housework/cooking/cleaning/admin/parenting as making his life more difficult, but he doesn't see that expecting you to do his share as well as your own is making your life more difficult?

Parenting/general adulting IS difficult. That's why parents share the responsibilities/jobs/chores to ensure that it is as easy as it can be for both parents who are working as PARTNERS. He is not being a partner to you OP. He is not doing anything to make your life easier, in fact he is making it much harder.

When you raised this obvious inequality with him? He threatened you.

Did you know that if you separated, you'd have 1 less child to clean up after and cook for, plus you'd get some free time to genuinely relax while he spent time with his child.

You will be so much happier as a single parent.

Wow he's a cunt, isn't he. So many competent, capable women posting here daily about their horrors of husbands. This man thinks watching TV is more important than making sure his tiny child's basic needs are met. And he's perfectly happy that the woman he presumably claims to love more than anyone else in the world is his unhappy, unpaid maid.
Look the good news is that you earn more, know already that you can do it all alone and know his parents will step in to do the actual parenting when he has custody. LTFB and have a wonderful stress free, happy life with your daughter, who won't be growing up with this as her model of what relationships should look like.
You sound great and you deserve so much better than him.