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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To this this is odd..

130 replies

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:42

I've been seeing a guy a couple of months. He's 34, lives with his mum which isn't an issue for me. He has one night a week which is "his and his mums night" in which he doesn't go out. I've purposely said I don't have the children tonight do you fancy going for a drink and he's said no, it's always been this way we all stay in on this night.

Is this weird? Or am I just being a bitch who comes from a family that aren't close? At 34 my mum doesn't know what I'm doing most of the time never mind dictating a night a week I stay in?

OP posts:

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 12/02/2023 17:44

It is clearly weird for you! It sounds like he wants to spend that one night per week with his mum/family

Goldandpurplezebra · 12/02/2023 17:44

I don't think that's the weird part. It's good boundaries on both sides. He's probs agreed to it as she wanted too much if his time.

The weird bit is him still living at home.

Chikapu · 12/02/2023 17:45

Is she dictating it though or is he more than ok with it? I think it's odd personally and it'll always be a bone of contention for you, get out now before you invest any more time.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 17:45

It's probably to stop her putting other demands on his time. Or he just likes spending time with his mum. Who knows when she'll die.

Original poster

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:46

I think he's ok with it - but I also think she sulks or at least guilt trips him if he does go out on that particular night.

OP posts:

Coffeellama · 12/02/2023 17:46

It’s not the norm at 34 really but if you don’t mind that he lives with his mum then it’s not ‘weird’ is it? He’s made plans with his mum, and doesn’t want to ditch her for you, I don’t think that’s terrible. But its also totally fine and understandable if you don’t want a relationship with someone like that.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 17:46

The weird bit is him still living at home. lots of single people do - if they've broken up with someone or are saving for a deposit for a bit.

GreenWheat · 12/02/2023 17:47

I don't really think it's odd. They have an agreed night that's their evening in, and he's sticking to it.

Goldandpurplezebra · 12/02/2023 17:48

@Coffeellama what do you think the norm is for 34 year olds seeing their mum? Just out of curiosity.

Luana1 · 12/02/2023 17:48

I don’t think it’s weird, sounds like he has a nice relationship with his mum and they enjoy each other’s company. Would you find it weird if he had that night blocked out for a friend?

pawz · 12/02/2023 17:48

I'd find it only odd depending how it's phrased / if it's flexible.

If it's a "for the rest of my life, Sunday nights are my nights with mummy" I'd run for the hills.

If it's a "I've made plans to stay in with my mum, grab a takeaway and watch a film - sorry you're now free, but it's pre arranged" I'd think that's nice of him to stick by plans he's made and not ditch someone for you.

KateStev · 12/02/2023 17:49

If this was a woman saying she spent one night a week with her Mum regularly, no one would think anything of it.

Original poster

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:49

No it's every single week, on a Sunday. Sunday he is not allowed to go out, or there is a fuss if him and his brother do. It's "family time" night.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 12/02/2023 17:49

In a way I think it's a good thing because presumably that means the other six nights are free.

He only has to commit to one night and if they have a good relationship I think that's rather sweet.

If she's a cow then that's another matter 😄

Euchariahere · 12/02/2023 17:50

There is no future here you see that don't u

Original poster

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:52

In some respect I would understand more if it was just him and his mum, but there is mum, dad and 2 brothers. They all have to stay in one Sundays. I don't know maybe it is me being horrible!

OP posts:

Witchbitch20 · 12/02/2023 17:52

It’s weird to you.

You haven’t give or perhaps don’t know the circumstances.
One of my friends had a similar arrangement with his mother, one night a week they’d have an evening together. He’d take her out for a meal, or to the cinema, theatre. She was widowed and they were a close family. As she got older one (and started to develop dementia) he’d go around and make her dinner once a week and they’d eat together. When she was moved to a care home it became his evening to visit her.

Lots of people gossiped and called him a weird one; I thought he was just kind and cared about his mother.

Maybe you need to find someone who doesn’t have strong family ties?

Coffeellama · 12/02/2023 17:52

Goldandpurplezebra · 12/02/2023 17:48

@Coffeellama what do you think the norm is for 34 year olds seeing their mum? Just out of curiosity.

Obviously I think living at home with your mum at 34 is not the norm. Many people have left home by that age…
It’s just stating a fact really, like I said there’s nothing wrong with it.

Coffeellama · 12/02/2023 17:54

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:52

In some respect I would understand more if it was just him and his mum, but there is mum, dad and 2 brothers. They all have to stay in one Sundays. I don't know maybe it is me being horrible!

Why do you just refer to his mum then? He doesn’t live at home with his mum, he lives at home with his whole family. Do you not like his mum?

Original poster

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:55

@Witchbitch20 see that I would completely understand. If she was single, lonely or unwell. She isn't. It's the full family, all 4 of them. Have to stay in every Sunday and have a Sunday dinner and have a family night. If they suggest going out there's a massive fuss!

OP posts:

shieldmaiden7 · 12/02/2023 17:55

I had a very brief relationship with someone like this. It ruined our relationship in the end that he was still reported back to his mum like he was a teenager. He was in his 40s

Original poster

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:56

@Coffeellama I'm not sure really, I should've worded the post better. No I don't mind his mum really she's nice enough. Just seems to be quite upset if he spends time out of the house too much. He plays football and he's cancelled training a few times lately as his mum said he was "going out too often"

OP posts:

youshouldnthaveasked · 12/02/2023 17:59

If you know that’s the night he spends with family, why do you keep suggesting to go out that night? There are 6 other days in the week.

Coffeellama · 12/02/2023 17:59

Again I think there’s nothing wrong with it if he’s happy, but I don’t think I’d enjoy that relationship personally, it’d give me the ick, and if you end up more serious I imagine the in laws would always be very involved or annoyed about being shut out. You probably need to really like his family for things to work long term.

EmpressOfTheSofa · 12/02/2023 18:02

Oh come ON all the people who are defending him. It’s really, deeply, fucking weird to be a grown adult of 34 who isn’t allowed out on a Sunday because it’s family time. Absolutely beyond the realms of healthy or normal.

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