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AIBU?

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Original poster

To this this is odd..

130 replies

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:42

I've been seeing a guy a couple of months. He's 34, lives with his mum which isn't an issue for me. He has one night a week which is "his and his mums night" in which he doesn't go out. I've purposely said I don't have the children tonight do you fancy going for a drink and he's said no, it's always been this way we all stay in on this night.

Is this weird? Or am I just being a bitch who comes from a family that aren't close? At 34 my mum doesn't know what I'm doing most of the time never mind dictating a night a week I stay in?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 12/02/2023 18:03

So, would a weekend away together have to be cancelled? If so, I'd bail out.

Original poster
chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:05

Because typically, Sunday night is a night I don't have my children.
Nope he has to be there. It's never even a "mums done a Sunday dinner but I can be out for 7" or "I've told them I won't be joining this week" family night is non negotiable.

OP posts:
pawz · 12/02/2023 18:05

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:56

@Coffeellama I'm not sure really, I should've worded the post better. No I don't mind his mum really she's nice enough. Just seems to be quite upset if he spends time out of the house too much. He plays football and he's cancelled training a few times lately as his mum said he was "going out too often"

That's weird then imo - guilt tripping him into missing a sports practice because she thinks he's been out too much?! He's mid 30s, not ten.

Honestly the fact she guilt trips three grown men every Sunday into not leaving the house is a red flag to me! From your OP I assumed just those two had plans to stay in and had plans, not that it was every week and two other people.

What happens if he moves out and wants to have plans? What happens if you live together and don't want to spend every Sunday alone? What if you had a family? Smells like a disaster in the making tbh.

Original poster
chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:06

He lived with an ex for a short period and they had to go every Sunday. If she said she didn't want to, he would go without her x

OP posts:
TheLostNights · 12/02/2023 18:06

Nothing wrong with living at home at 34 as a single person. Property prices are insane, especially in certain areas. People really need to stop judging that.
As for the one night a week with his mum, I personally feel that if he has a partner, he needs to prioritise them and realise that date nights with family need to be readjusted

Crumpetdisappointment · 12/02/2023 18:07

is there church/religion involvement?

a sunday seems very restrictive

Macaroni46 · 12/02/2023 18:07

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:55

@Witchbitch20 see that I would completely understand. If she was single, lonely or unwell. She isn't. It's the full family, all 4 of them. Have to stay in every Sunday and have a Sunday dinner and have a family night. If they suggest going out there's a massive fuss!

That's really weird and I wouldn't like that at all. Means you can never spend a weekend together? Go away? F*ck that! I'd bin him off OP. He's a mummy's boy and it doesn't look like it's going to change. You'll be second best forever.

Companyofwolves · 12/02/2023 18:07

Is it religious/cultural because that would make it maybe more understandable? Like Friday night Shabbat dinner type thing (obvs on a Sunday).

Personally I find it too rigid & restrictive. They’re not kids, presumably they see plenty of each other living together & while a family tradition is a nice thing in many ways I find the refusal to yield & veto them doing other things a real turn off of his family) who will become your in-laws one day (if you marry).

Been there as well with someone who felt they owed it to their parents & never broke away from them. Made me feel I would always be second & he’d go & see them in secret which made it feel like he was cheating somehow! Big turn off - they need to want new & different things in his life & for him to have his own life.

Are you invited or is it a closed affair? Even worse!!

Crumpetdisappointment · 12/02/2023 18:08

i had a boyfrend and the deal was to his parents for sunday lunch.
i didnt like it

harrassedmumto3 · 12/02/2023 18:08

Him living at home isn't particularly attractive, but the night-in thing is pretty sweet.

Lkydfju · 12/02/2023 18:10

I thought it was quite sweet when I first read your post but the part about him cancelling football has alarms bells ringing. If he’s staying in because he wants to see his family and values that night thej great but if it’s because his mum will sulk then I’d be worried about the future

Crumpetdisappointment · 12/02/2023 18:10

but it doesnt sound like
"his and his mums night".

it is his dad and siblings too, so a family night.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/02/2023 18:12

I don't think it's weird, because in my family we have standing arrangements for who goes where on a Friday, a Sunday etc. Obviously these arrangements can be cancelled if necessary, but we like knowing we will generally see each other at regular intervals, and be free to make other plans the rest of the time.

If it doesn't work with your rota for having child free time obviously you may decide to look for someone who is free on a Sunday night, but I personally wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over that.

Especially since I might never be free on a Friday night for similar reasons Grin.

Companyofwolves · 12/02/2023 18:14

Euww just read your update about cancelling his football bcos he’s going out too much.
That’s just ridiculous - that’s how people get when they’re in a relationship with someone not their mother!! She’s using her sons to compensate in some way for the lack of satisfaction in her relationship with her husband in some way & that’s grim.

OriGanOver · 12/02/2023 18:15

Is his name Raymond? You will end up a Debra 😂

northernbeee · 12/02/2023 18:16

Having older kids, I can totally see that the mum wants to spend time with her kids, but every Sunday night without fail is a bit much. Also the massive red flag for me is the football training, he's been going out too much - seriously, and he did as he was told?! This bloke is never going to have any kind of relationship while he's pandering to his mother.

OriGanOver · 12/02/2023 18:17

I don't think it's odd to have set days. I try to take my grandma out for a coffee and cake on a Saturday morning. But, it's never guilted on me. I'm not restricted, if I didn't fancy it I wouldn't go, my grandma will also cancel on me for a PJ day if she isn't up for it.

The having to do it is the odd part.

Cosyblankets · 12/02/2023 18:26

Having a family night is not odd.
It being set in stone is a different issue with regard to never going away etc as is cancelling football

Noonesperfect · 12/02/2023 18:30

Are you ever invited OP? Would he ever be allowed to,go on a weekend away with you? Confused

cruisebaba1 · 12/02/2023 18:30

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:52

In some respect I would understand more if it was just him and his mum, but there is mum, dad and 2 brothers. They all have to stay in one Sundays. I don't know maybe it is me being horrible!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:32

No I'm never invited. He's not allowed to go away he has to be back. Even on a Saturday he usually has to choose if he wants to be out during the day or on the evening as she doesn't like him being out for both.

OP posts:
TriciaMcMillan · 12/02/2023 18:33

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:56

@Coffeellama I'm not sure really, I should've worded the post better. No I don't mind his mum really she's nice enough. Just seems to be quite upset if he spends time out of the house too much. He plays football and he's cancelled training a few times lately as his mum said he was "going out too often"

Ok, that's odd and seems quite enmeshed.

Witchbitch20 · 12/02/2023 18:37

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:55

@Witchbitch20 see that I would completely understand. If she was single, lonely or unwell. She isn't. It's the full family, all 4 of them. Have to stay in every Sunday and have a Sunday dinner and have a family night. If they suggest going out there's a massive fuss!

Nah, now there’s more details I’d be out.

It’s not a day with his mum it’s a non discussion demand for family day - which is different (for me anyway).

He’ll never change.

MaMisled · 12/02/2023 18:40

I think you can yell a lot by the way a man treats his Mum. I think it's lovely.

autienotnaughty · 12/02/2023 18:41

It is weird. Pre made plans or an invitation to do something together is fine but a ultimatum attendance one day a week every week is too much. You have to think long term - your living together, do you both go every week? Are you allowed a weekend away or holiday? What about if you have kids? It would be a deal breaker for me, I would not want to be tied to spending every Sunday with the in-laws for the rest of my life.

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