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Original poster

To this this is odd..

130 replies

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:42

I've been seeing a guy a couple of months. He's 34, lives with his mum which isn't an issue for me. He has one night a week which is "his and his mums night" in which he doesn't go out. I've purposely said I don't have the children tonight do you fancy going for a drink and he's said no, it's always been this way we all stay in on this night.

Is this weird? Or am I just being a bitch who comes from a family that aren't close? At 34 my mum doesn't know what I'm doing most of the time never mind dictating a night a week I stay in?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 12/02/2023 19:23

It’s nice that he spends time with his family.

However, the inflexibility would bother me. Surely missing one week wouldn’t be a problem, or why haven’t you been to the meal.

Projecting forward, if he moved in with you or got married, would the Sunday meals continue. If they invited you (and dc along), then that’s quite nice. If it’s only him, parents and siblings, then not so good.

Just read that he cancelled football due to going out too much. At 34, he should be able to decide what’s too much.

YoBeaches · 12/02/2023 19:23

KateStev · 12/02/2023 17:49

If this was a woman saying she spent one night a week with her Mum regularly, no one would think anything of it.

But that's not even close to the post though, is it?

Stupid comment.

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 12/02/2023 19:25

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:32

No I'm never invited. He's not allowed to go away he has to be back. Even on a Saturday he usually has to choose if he wants to be out during the day or on the evening as she doesn't like him being out for both.

@chessfivers

Every time you post it gets worse. I don't find 6ft toddlers attractive myself. I'm confused that you do.

bin the pathetic spineless twat off.

Riverlee · 12/02/2023 19:25

Incidently does he work?

Macaroni46 · 12/02/2023 19:26

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:32

No I'm never invited. He's not allowed to go away he has to be back. Even on a Saturday he usually has to choose if he wants to be out during the day or on the evening as she doesn't like him being out for both.

It gets worse and worse! When is he 'allowed' out? Is he permitted to do sleepovers or does mummy stop him doing that too?
I'd run for the hills OP; this has red flags all over it! 🚩🚩🚩🚩

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 19:26

I think it's nice generally - it's a good thing that they get together as a family - but I think it's weird if he's not allowed to even go away and miss family night because he's on holiday.

AmberGer · 12/02/2023 19:27

She will always be his priority

MrsMikeDrop · 12/02/2023 19:28

Think you're being a bit of a bitch tbh, his mum was there before you and he's already said it's their night. Imagine if the situation was reversed, everyone would say its a red flag if he did it. I think it's great that he's close with family, usually this means he'll also be a great partner too

hekissedmybottom · 12/02/2023 19:29

Being his mum is so important my main focus would be on what she was like/whether she liked me etc. Because if she doesn't then you're basically done for.

Imtryingnottobother · 12/02/2023 19:34

Has he ever lived away from the family home ? I Can understand returning to a parents house when he’s between jobs, or relationships, but I would be giving him a swerve if he’s never moved out.
Also wonder if his siblings are the same, still living in the family home ?
On it’s own having a dedicated family night possibly ok, but combined with the above, I’d be running for the hills.

journeyofinsanity · 12/02/2023 19:36

Crumpetdisappointment · 12/02/2023 18:10

but it doesnt sound like
"his and his mums night".

it is his dad and siblings too, so a family night.

It sounds like it's the mum who forces it. She sulks and tells him to cancel football as he's been out too much.

journeyofinsanity · 12/02/2023 19:39

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/02/2023 18:12

I don't think it's weird, because in my family we have standing arrangements for who goes where on a Friday, a Sunday etc. Obviously these arrangements can be cancelled if necessary, but we like knowing we will generally see each other at regular intervals, and be free to make other plans the rest of the time.

If it doesn't work with your rota for having child free time obviously you may decide to look for someone who is free on a Sunday night, but I personally wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over that.

Especially since I might never be free on a Friday night for similar reasons Grin.

Your situation is completely different as you have said obviously it can be changed if needed. The OPs situation is not negotiable. That means never going away for a weekend. Never taking more than a week holiday I presume. That's NOT healthy at all. What happens if they move in together? Will he be allowed to move in with her? When they have kids. What if the kid is born on a Sunday? Will he be allowed to miss night in with mum and family? What if the Sunday falls on OPs birthday? Can he not celebrate on that day as he had to be home? Weird weird

journeyofinsanity · 12/02/2023 19:40

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 18:32

No I'm never invited. He's not allowed to go away he has to be back. Even on a Saturday he usually has to choose if he wants to be out during the day or on the evening as she doesn't like him being out for both.

Fuck that for a joke

journeyofinsanity · 12/02/2023 19:41

MaMisled · 12/02/2023 18:40

I think you can yell a lot by the way a man treats his Mum. I think it's lovely.

You think it's lovely that she dictates that he can only go out on Saturday afternoon or evening? That's he's not allowed both? And if he's been out a bit then he has to cancel football as mum thinks he's been out too much? You are weird too then.

journeyofinsanity · 12/02/2023 19:44

MrsMikeDrop · 12/02/2023 19:28

Think you're being a bit of a bitch tbh, his mum was there before you and he's already said it's their night. Imagine if the situation was reversed, everyone would say its a red flag if he did it. I think it's great that he's close with family, usually this means he'll also be a great partner too

He won't be a great partner if mum is still dictating that he can only go out on a Saturday afternoon OR evening. Not both. And that he has to cancel football if he's done something else that week. And that he can't go away for a full week holiday and has to be back for the Sunday. Gah. Can't believe you think this is ok. And what if the OPs birthday falls on a Sunday? What if she gives birth on a Sunday? Nope nope nope. Anyone saying this shit is ok is weird too.

Mrsmch123 · 12/02/2023 19:50

I think it's weird that it so set. I get maybe wanting to spend one night a week with parent ect but would expect it to be flexible depending on what he was doing that week.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/02/2023 19:53

Christ, what a disservice his DM's doing him. And what a mummy's boy he is for putting up with it all.
Leave them to continue with their weirdly enmeshed relationship and get your arse back out there OP. Find yourself an adult that can have a healthy relationship with both his family and his girlfriend.

Hawkins003 · 12/02/2023 19:55

I'm flexible when I need to be, but some occasions it's a mix of as and when

Devoutspoken · 12/02/2023 19:58

As a mum, she shouldn't be cock blocking her own son

YukoandHiro · 12/02/2023 20:01

Initially I thought this was ok, but when you said he went back every week even when he didn't live there - that's alarm bells to me. Clearly his mum has this set out as a basic expectation.
Do you really want to spend your life going to this or fighting it? It would make me rethink tbh as it's a sign of how tricky your MIL would be if you stayed together.

Noonesperfect · 12/02/2023 20:01

If he got married on a Saturday. Would he not be allowed to go on his honeymoon till Monday? 🤣🤣

Hoplesscynic · 12/02/2023 20:01

chessfivers · 12/02/2023 17:49

No it's every single week, on a Sunday. Sunday he is not allowed to go out, or there is a fuss if him and his brother do. It's "family time" night.

Sounds like his Sundays are forever reserved for his mum?
Imagine your birthday falls on a Sunday, or Valentine's Day, or you have a child together and he still religiously spends every Sunday at his mum's? It's madness.
Also not a good sign he is 34 and living there. Cost of living or not, that's a big ol' age to be living with parents!

itbemay · 12/02/2023 20:03

I think it's odd OP what if you were to get married and have kids will he be skulking off there every Sunday! This would be a deal breaker for me, sorry.

Tessisme · 12/02/2023 20:06

He sounds like a doormat. What if you got married and had kids? Would he be excused from his Sunday obligation? I fear not. None of this sounds anywhere near healthy. Most families who get along and like to spend time together don't have such a rigid, non negotiable schedule. I would almost understand if he DIDN'T live there, but his mum must see him all the time.

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 12/02/2023 20:07

I think it's weird. My boys still live with me (ok, they are younger, but over 18) and I'd never dictate a day that was family time. I think they'd laugh at me if I tried. I certainly wouldn't try it on a 34 yo.

What about holidays? Special occasions?

Yeah, I'd be running, you'll never have a weekend away, time to do other stuff etc, if he refuses to say no to mummy.