To this this is odd..

[chessfivers]

I've been seeing a guy a couple of months. He's 34, lives with his mum which isn't an issue for me. He has one night a week which is "his and his mums night" in which he doesn't go out. I've purposely said I don't have the children tonight do you fancy going for a drink and he's said no, it's always been this way we all stay in on this night.

Is this weird? Or am I just being a bitch who comes from a family that aren't close? At 34 my mum doesn't know what I'm doing most of the time never mind dictating a night a week I stay in?

If he's choosing to live there for whatever reason, I think some things will just be the done thing. And I don't think spending time with family is a bad thing. You've only been seeing him for a few months so in the nicest way, his mum is probably more of a priority.

But, would she kick him out or lock the door and not let him leave if he said he didn't want to be there that Sunday?

What if he moved out, got married, and had kids? Would he still have to go there every Sunday?

I would just see how things go.

I guess the question is...if you were to get married, would he still have to go to his mum's every Sunday for 'son and mum night'?

I don't believe a word of it.

The more you tell us the worse it gets....

This is almost word for word, the same as a thread here last year. Even down to the football 🤷‍♀️

Shark jump @StandALot?

How does the rest of the time work with you two? Does he stay at yours and you at his?

so far it doesn’t sound a very adult relationship.

Ive been out with lots of mummy’s boys and as a previous poster said, if she doesn’t like you then it won’t last anyway

As far as I'm aware she likes me. I mean unless I'm missing something.
No I don't stay there and he doesn't stay here as he hasn't met my children yet.
We'll meet for an afternoon but he's always "I've got to get back for tea" or "I've said I'll be back for this time" we've had a few hotel nights away actually but she always messages or rings.

I was assuming it's just a thing atm as he's living with her, yeah would be weird if this is an expectation for life (although we always used to go to my grandmothers for lunch most Sundays, I now try to go to my parents for dinner one evening fortnightly, and I know other people like that too). Obviously that's the norm, but it's not compulsory

Doesn’t this give you the ick?

@FiddleLeaf I'm guessing this is partly why I'm asking.. if I'm unreasonable for being put off/annoyed by this.

Definitely not. He sounds like he’s still a baby himself and as you already have one, do you want a thirty-something-year old to look after too?

Although, I had living with parents a hard no when I was OLD. They should get on another app… Rightmove.

Why do you think he "isn't allowed out" rather than he "wants to see his family one night a week"? Aren't there 6 other nights you can see him? Would it be different if he said "Sunday nights are my night out with the boys" or if that was a night he played sports?

If you know that he has plans on a Sunday, can't you find something else to do one night a week like see your own friends or family? You sound pissed off that he won't drop everything just because you don't have plans ("I've purposely said I don't have the children tonight" - so what? So he should drop everything to be at your beck and call?!) I think it is quite healthy not to live in each other's pockets 7 days a week.

You sound weirdly jealous of his mum as you say in your first post that he is spending the evening with his mum, but later say that he is with his dad and siblings too - why single out his mum in your original post? Just let them have their night.

Sounds like she’s a bit too involved. I get wanting to have a family dinner, but never being allowed to miss it is the weird thing.
I had a boyfriend who had a similar situation , but we were early 20s. His mother went all huffy if they weren’t all there (which eventually extended to me…)

I meet my mum on a Sunday afternoon usually. We go for a walk and a coffee. It’s nice to catch up. But, if I was invited to a friend’s for the weekend, or she and my dad were going away, we wouldn’t do it. Because although we’re close, we’re not mental.

Can you speak with him, and find out the rationale? Is someone unwell, or needs additional support, for example? Otherwise, I’d have thought missing it sometimes, especially to go away for a weekend, or the like, should start to be planned.

Sunday he is not allowed to go out, or there is a fuss if him and his brother do. It's "family time" night.

Not allowed by whom? Who is stopping him? Maybe he uses it as an excuse not to go out on a Sunday evening? He doesn't have to stay home, he chooses to.

If he's made it clear then the ball is in your court and only you can decide if that's how you want to live.

Date night with mummy every single week for the rest of his life would get really on the nose if you were in LTR or (god forbid) married to the guy.

Cancelling footy training because his mum says he goes out too much? Phoning when you have a night away at a hotel? Could he even go on holiday over a Sunday?? Throw his back I think.

Hi Op

I am wondering if he is bit too emashed with his mother wants , as she doesn't like if he spends as she regards outside activities like football for e.g ect,

I think on one hand it's good he appreaciates and has strong connections to his family ,

But it's having a healthy balance, she is too over involved in his life that's the issue,

She guilt trips him to feel that that her emotional well being is dependent on him and her family,

There is no flexibility on his mothers part , she could allways meet up on another day with him at home or even outside at a cafe for e.g

Nothing wrong meeting up with family on a regular basis, it's not like she is on her own there are other family members ,

I think the issue, is the reason she is so over involved is that she doesn't have outside activities in her life I am thinking wondering whether that is, for example doing a some/bit of volunteering like in a charity shop or elsewhere,
Meeting up with friends for a coffee and catch up in a town centre cafe
Outside interests for example sewing club walking
Universal 3 Age education, lifelong learning activities for mature people with silver hair ...

Oops I ment your boyfriends mother is too over involved,

as she guilts trips him her son,cause he lives at home, that there. Is expection that for having the benefits security of living at home cormforts of family home, this is condition attached to this,that he has to continously live up to,

The solution to this is to suggest encourage him if he wants to find a place of his own,
As you get along with her well, like his mother,
Why not suggest to her about things like having outside interests hobbies she could be interested in,
and volunteering opportunities etc.
Good luck

Like I said it's good he appreaciates his family, aslong as they are tidy people (good people not Arseholes,
It's finding the right balance he needs to put in healthy boundaries, realise now that he has a woman in his life accommodate this,(its a flexible balance )obviously keep a close connection with his family at same time,

I think you need to read all the OPs posts. If you still think mum is right then there is something wrong with you.

@journeyofinsanity I have read all of OP's posts. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I think my questions are valid and would love to know the answers. Why is his mum in the wrong? She wants him to be there once a week for dinner. OP can see him any other night of the week can't she? But she wants him to stop his long term arrangements because she wants to see him that day instead. If roles were reversed and it was a woman saying she sees her mum once a week and her new boyfriend was pressuring her to cancel on her mum rather than do something on the other 6 nights of the week, I'm sure the responses would all be saying how controlling OP is trying to be (Because it is totally out of order to get between a woman and her mother, but if a man wants to spend time with his mother he is obviously defective and has the ick! 🙄)

Regardless, the man OP is talking about is 34! Why is his mother getting the blame for how he spends his time?! Do you really think he is "not allowed out" or is it possible that he just doesn't want to go out with OP that night?

Very odd.

The more you post, the I'm team no.

Fast forward a few years... Your birthday is a Sunday but he has to go home and hang with his family. Your child's birthday. The day after the wedding. The day you give birth! Your shared child's birthday. Even just a 10 day holiday!! All do stated by his Mom.

He's happy with that, great. But, no.

Very very odd.

Ick.

Think of it this way..
I have a bf. We live together. He's decided Sunday is our day. Last week my Mom asked if I'd pop over and see on a Sunday as it was the only day we could do for a few days. I mentioned it to DP. He sulked all day, going on about how it's our time as a couple and how I shouldn't want to be elsewhere. I told Mom I already had plans in the end. He was still a bit PA all day tho. I complained about this and he pointed out I'D chosen not to see my Mom, he hadn't made me.

I've also started going to the gym but he's moaning I'm out the house too much (it's two nights a week max) so I've started cancelling one class to keep the peace. I told him I didn't think it was fair he made me feel guilty for going out. He said I'D chosen to quit the class, not him so it was my own fault.

Now I know there's a bit of conjecture there but op has clearly mentioned how the Mum reacts.

What's the difference? You'd Al lbe telling me to dump his ass. There's plenty of ways to control people if you've been doing it their entire lives