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AIBU?

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Original poster

Childcare excluded my child

274 replies

BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 15:58

My child aged 7 sneaked a mobile phone in to school and from there into childcare. Of course I accept she was naughty and shouldn't have done it.
the childcare facility has now excluded my child - as she took a photo of another child - whist under there care.
They have said she had created a safeguarding issue.
She was caught by the staff and asked not to play on the phone, but they did not confiscate it. They handed it back to her. Older children have phones so this confused her. The phone has no sim and access to internet - it's used to play games.
AIBU to expect them to take responsibility for allowing a child to play with a phone? And then to exclude her with no prior warning?

OP posts:
Testina · 11/02/2023 22:23

“She took it an ofsted registered childcare”

A childminder then.

You haven’t mentioned whether she’s permanently excluded?

Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:24

Casilero · 11/02/2023 19:04

Surely, the whole point of childcare is that a 7 year old needs adult supervision? Yes, she shouldn't have sneaked a phone in but she's a child and children do dumb stuff which is why they need adult supervision in the first place when the parents are working?

Exclusion seems a very extreme reaction. If she'd have been caught playing with a stolen lighter would they have just handed that back over too? I can understand that it was against their safeguarding policies but they do need to take some responsibility for this themselves as they are the adults and you weren't there. If you were there, then you wouldn't have needed childcare in the first place. They've probably done you a massive favour to be honest as you need childcare where adults are willing to act as responsible adults.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:25

MavisMcMinty · 11/02/2023 17:14

Ah well, lesson learnt. Your child won’t “sneak” a phone out of the house again, and you’ll make sure she isn’t able to, I’m sure.

hindsight is golden

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:26

Testina · 11/02/2023 22:23

“She took it an ofsted registered childcare”

A childminder then.

You haven’t mentioned whether she’s permanently excluded?

Yes permanently excluded. Probably a blessing in disguise

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:30

DelphiniumBlue · 11/02/2023 17:42

It's childcare, not school, so they don't have to have her. She's shown herself to be difficult, and has not only sneaked in a phone, but has continued to use it despite being told not to.
I agree that ideally they should have taken the phone off her ( and then put it..where?) but they probably don't want the responsibility, either of looking after someone else's tech and risking it getting lost/broken/stolen, or of making sure she doesn't continue to cause problems.
Is it usual for her to disobey clear instructions? I'm guessing it's more trouble than it's worth for them to keep her there.

I get that - she's definitely the most headstrong of my children but wouldn't normally deliberately disobay. But she is a child so always doesn't do exactly what she's told.

OP posts:
Testina · 11/02/2023 22:30

And a blessing why?
Because you’ve had previous issues with your childminder which might explain why they’re keen to over react and get rid of your child?

Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:33

nofluffsgiven · 11/02/2023 17:51

I'm surprised by some of the responses, she is only 7 years old for goodness sake! I doubt it would have been malicious, she probably just wanted to take photos of her friends. I agree with you OP they should have confiscated the phone. You weren't aware of what was going on so how could you have stopped it? I mean admittedly you should have checked she didn't have the phone but it's easily done. My kids have taken things to school without permission without my knowledge before and I've had messages from parents saying he's given things away or swapped things and they were checking it was ok. It's easily done. At least now you know she's done this before you can be more vigilant with checking, although that unfortunately won't help you now.

That's very true I do check her bag now before school every day. As the youngest of 4 she desperately tries to emulate her older siblings. Had I known she had the phone it would have been confiscated

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:38

Rufus27 · 11/02/2023 17:51

Speaking as the adoptive parent of a vulnerable child, I’d be fuming if another child took a photo of my child in school or related child care. I’ve gone out of my way to ensure there are no photos of them on social media and school has gone out of their way to support us with this. Your daughter’s actions could have put my child - and others in similar circumstances- at risk.

I agree with you, and in my house the phone would have no connection to the internet. I'd never take or share a photo with explicit content from the parent. That's why it's so important that the phone was confiscated and given back to an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:42

Testina · 11/02/2023 22:30

And a blessing why?
Because you’ve had previous issues with your childminder which might explain why they’re keen to over react and get rid of your child?

not that I'm aware of - I'm not saying that my youngest child is an Angel like all children she does misbehave a times. I think it's a blessing that this has come out now - and something far more serious has not happened considering she wasn't being supervised.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 22:47

Casilero · 11/02/2023 19:51

@Sherrystrull the OP says the caregiver handed the phone back. If my child was doing something wrong and I wasn't there , I would expect the person I'd paid to act in loco parentis to do just that. Yes, I would want to pick up on that and be made aware, but I would not expect a childcare provider to just shrug their shoulders and blame me when I was not there.

Fortunately, my children are much older now, but I did use nurseries, pre schools, after school clubs, child minders, camps and holiday clubs for all 3 and I never ever had issues with any of these settings. Every single one of them acted in loco parentis and I trusted them to do as I would have done if I'd been there. There was the odd occasion I'd be called at work to fill me in on something I needed to know but I trusted them implicitly to do their jobs. I couldn't have worked otherwise.

My twins were an absolute handful, I will be the first to admit that, but I had decent childcare that I trusted 100%. My youngest is now 15 and actually incredibly easy to parent/teach but you have to understand not all kids are like my youngest. Some kids just do stuff they're not supposed to. That's why we trust other adults to look after them when we can't.

Thank you I was likewise expecting the responsible adult who was being paid to look after my child to act as do just that.

OP posts:
nofluffsgiven · 11/02/2023 22:49

HateEatingInTheDark · 11/02/2023 22:19

Christ sake shes 7 !

Exactly, she's 7! God when I was 7 (and older) I remember I did much worse stuff, all of which I don't know why I did and definitely wouldn't do now. I had no idea about consequences of actions. In fact most of the time I didn't understood why stuff was wrong or if what I was doing was even wrong. I remember being confused about getting told off. Pretty much everything was impulsive and not thought through. I look back now and cringe at some of it.

SD1978 · 11/02/2023 22:51

Permanent exclusion seems like a complete over reaction. The kids 7 FFS. According to some replies they have full fiscal understand by this age and she is just a sneaky manipulative psychopath......she took a phone, she shouldn't have, not doubt. Kids 3 years older than her are allowed their phone in the same environment. A warning, and a don't do it again, fair enough- a permanent ban is an utter over reaction.

LexMitior · 11/02/2023 22:51

Time to find alternative childcare

Casilero · 11/02/2023 23:01

I can't believe 76% of people think you're being unreasonable.

I used this forum a lot when I was struggling with parenting all those years ago and I found the support and help invaluable. I'm glad I don't need support anymore but it's a shame all you younger parents will miss out on the help I had.

My twins are both adults now but both are neuro diverse (as am I) and I had so much good advice on here, navigating help with bullying, self esteem, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, eating disorders, adhd, aspergers, bipolar (me), death and grieving, even divorce and everything else life throws at us. The help I received on here was invaluable. But now it just seems to be a place where everyone kicks each other and I think it's really sad that something has been lost.

Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 11/02/2023 23:02

memememe · 11/02/2023 16:37

Sorry posted too soon, don't think the op is telling the full story here, from what I've heard, the child was temporarily excluded while the safeguarding investigation was going on, the photo was then requested to be deleted in which the op refused (and consequently a bit of conflict happened) which is why the child was then permanently excluded from the setting.

Care to comment op?

Interesting - of course the childminder is going to need to protect their business. The facts Speak for themself , absolutely not true that I refused to delete a picture.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/02/2023 23:04

@Casilero you must have me confused with another poster. I've only posted once on this thread, and that was to pull you up on the use of the word that you did.

And I stand by my criticism of you using that word.

I have not insulted the OP. Nor her child. Nor you.

Perhaps you should double check what you're posting and who you are tagging before attacking.

MumOf2workOptions · 11/02/2023 23:19

TeddyTrucks · 11/02/2023 16:10

How did she get the phone in the first place?

I was thinking that my 7 year old certainly doesn't have a phone!!!

Casilero · 11/02/2023 23:36

Gazelda · 11/02/2023 23:04

@Casilero you must have me confused with another poster. I've only posted once on this thread, and that was to pull you up on the use of the word that you did.

And I stand by my criticism of you using that word.

I have not insulted the OP. Nor her child. Nor you.

Perhaps you should double check what you're posting and who you are tagging before attacking.

I was commenting on the general consensus of the thread as evidenced by the voting ratio.

I apologise for implying that you personally had commented. I realise I was using a collctive "you" and that was unfair. My comment using the offensive word has been deleted. I know tone is difficult to read on a forum, but I deliberately chose that word because, yes, I know damn well it's offensive and this was the word I heard repeatedly against my own "naughty child" so I was using the word ironically? Is that the word I mean? Anyway, I apologise. I absolutely did not mean to cause any offence. As a parent of 2 wonderful but very difficult to parent neuro diverse now adult kids I would never deliberately offend anyone. I was merely sticking up for OP who had repeatedly been told she was a crap parent, in my view, unjustifiably.

I'm not looking for an argument. Quite the reverse in fact. I think we need a lot more peace and understanding in this thing we call life 🙏

whiteroseredrose · 12/02/2023 07:46

This thread is amazing. Of course YANBU. The appropriate course of action would have been to make your DD delete the photo then confiscate the phone. Your DD made a mistake. I'm sure that there will be DC who misbehave there who aren't excluded.

When you arrived the CM should have explained what had happened and made it clear that going forward this was not allowed.

If it was that important it should have been spelled out in the parent agreement and all DC told in advance. Particularly about taking pictures. It wouldn't be obvious to a 7 year old.

This is like someone being sacked for a first mistake.

What I also don't understand is, if there is such a risk to having a phone with them, why are Year 6 allowed?

londonrach · 12/02/2023 07:52

Yabu. I have a six year old and know alot of six and seven year olds none would take a phone like this and of course they not confused by older children...maybe if their two but seven! Start parenting your child and start saying no. Childcare has rules your child broke them. There are children at my daughter s school that if a photo was taken of them and shared they risk being killed by a family member and will have to move school and area.

Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 12/02/2023 09:45

londonrach · 12/02/2023 07:52

Yabu. I have a six year old and know alot of six and seven year olds none would take a phone like this and of course they not confused by older children...maybe if their two but seven! Start parenting your child and start saying no. Childcare has rules your child broke them. There are children at my daughter s school that if a photo was taken of them and shared they risk being killed by a family member and will have to move school and area.

I can only say no when I'm there, I expect the responsible adult who is being paid to supervise my child to say no when I'm not. Of course now I'm searching her bag every morning, isn't hindsight great! I completely get safeguarding and the risks of taking photos of children- that's why I was shocked that they would hand her back something that could cause the issue in the fist place.

OP posts:
NazMedusa · 12/02/2023 17:40

It sounds like you're offloading your responsibilities onto others. You should have been more aware and your 7 your old is old enough to understand the rules. I wouldn't like my child being taken photos of against theirs (and my) wishes.

busymomtoone · 12/02/2023 17:45

Come off it!! Your child is capable of “ sneaking” a phone out of the house ( somehow without you noticing it has gone?) , to hide it throughout the school day , AND to take a photo of another child - but somehow you think they are incapable of understanding a no phone rule ?😂😂Or is it that you think some very special exception should be made for your child? Exclusion is totally fair if neither parent nor child is willing take responsibility for adhering rules which are there to protect all the children.

Euchariahere · 12/02/2023 17:46

Having a phone aged 7 is what is unreasonable here

SkivingSnackboxes · 12/02/2023 17:47

I really couldn't be a teacher at all. No accountability here whatsoever

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