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Original poster

Ex wants to meet 25 years later

143 replies

AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:41

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 11/02/2023 15:43

No if he’s still married leave well alone.

Woopzies · 11/02/2023 15:44

What if he's not married anymore?

LightDrizzle · 11/02/2023 15:45

No.

Findyourneutralspace · 11/02/2023 15:47

How did he contact you? And what did he say?

iknowwheretheothersockgoes · 11/02/2023 15:50

Depends on what the message said...

"I'm dying and want to say goodbye to people who have been a part of my life" Yes.

"Im bored in my marriage and fancy a shag" No.

JupiterFortified · 11/02/2023 15:52

I’d go for it. Unless he’s married and has said he’s after a shag!

Justmuddlingalong · 11/02/2023 15:53

I'd message back and ask him why now and what's the point of him getting back in touch after all this time. I'd consider it.

DestinysGrandchild · 11/02/2023 15:54

Well I think everyone knows if they're married you leave them alone.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:55

He's seen something I'd done - said it was great - should be proud. There was a bit of online chit-chat and then he was in 'the area' the following week and would like to meet up for a coffee. Said he was happy to change his meetings around my plans.

I just wasn't expecting it to bring back so many memories - not just about him but life and family and the passage of time in general. It's brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings from times gone by and I don't know if that's good or not. It was a bit of a shock.

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Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:57

Ooooo. Hadn't considered this... Bold and direct.

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Iceysuperslide · 11/02/2023 16:03

Don’t be daft, he obviously wants to play away. This happened to my SIL, she was contemplating it, we managed to dissuade her.

BCBird · 11/02/2023 16:05

If he's married or in a relationship I would not go there

HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 11/02/2023 16:06

Can't know your situation, but I did go for coffee (well, lunch and) with my first love after about 25 years. Shortly after he'd gotten married and felt secure enough in himself to get back in touch, which I thought was kinda fun.

It was nice. We caught up. Nothing happened. We swap occasional messages now, which is also nice.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:12

I might feel differently if I knew he wasn't married. But I don't... and 'Are you still married?'' doesn't sound right over an email and could be construed in different ways.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not thinking it's a good idea.

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TheDalaiShawarma · 11/02/2023 16:13

You weren’t a “baddie” for breaking up with somebody because you weren’t ready for a serious relationship at 20.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:16

I know. But I still feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
Catlover77 · 11/02/2023 16:19

What was the thing you did that he thought you should be proud of?

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:22

Yes. But it didn't really deserve the attention that he gave to it.

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Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:23

I wrote a book. (A very unsuccessful one in terms of sales).

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Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2023 16:32

My dh is in touch with his ex. Wasn’t for years and very occasionally messages over social media. He met up with her once or twice as part of a group friendship reunion thing. If he met her for a coffee as they were in the same locality (live in different countries), I wouldn’t be upset because there is no unfinished business.

If you do decide to meet, please be careful. Be bright and breezy. You can tell him you felt bad for ending it that way if you really feel the need. Say something along the lines of you weren’t ready for commitment and it was all such a very long time ago. You’ve both changed. He’s moved on and you’ve lived your life. It’s in the past.

I’d be very wary of opening up on an emotional level over it or anything else tbh and it would be better to leave this unsaid. He could just be up for a shag at which stage you’d no longer be unfinished business or the one that got away.

Otoh it may not be this at all. However, forewarned is forearmed.

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2023 16:34

Had this happen to me a few years ago but I was the one that was married at the time (though about to go through divorce), he wanted to meet up and I was very tempted but then reality hit and a realised how stupid it was and I stopped talking to him.

MrsSquirrel · 11/02/2023 16:35

He was trying to get you to do what he wants by flattering you. What does he want? I have no idea, but the more important question is what do you want? If you don't think meeting up is a good idea, don't bother.

I came across something my teenage boyfriend wrote at work when I was in my 40s. I had all those same thoughts as you about my feelings and the passage of time. I never tried contacting him though, just got on with my life. Contacting someone from your past is what you do when you are unhappy with your current life.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:37

I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I'm not going. No good can come from of this.

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Fightingbackwithhappiness · 11/02/2023 16:39

@AR77 if you have decided not too go, ask him subtly if he’s still married! You never know, they maybe separated.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:41

How do you word that? Haha.

OP posts: