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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to meet 25 years later

143 replies

AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:41

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 11/02/2023 17:10

I'd love to meet up with some of my exes from decades ago.

However, even after 25 years, it sounds like you still have feelings for him so if he's married this would have been a bad move for both of you.

xJoy · 11/02/2023 17:10

No way, he wants to let you know how emotionally healthy he is, he's married, that proves it you see. You lost out. Grin

I had an x who did this. Met to let me know how happy he was with CLAIRE. Right so I said.

xJoy · 11/02/2023 17:12

@Devonhousehunter aw that brought a tear to my eye. You should pop in if you're passing and tell her that. Who wouldn't want to hear ''I'm a better mum because of the warmth you showed me''

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 17:14

xJoy ... OMG! Could be this!!!!

OP posts:
Blinky21 · 11/02/2023 17:18

Both me and my DH meet up with our exes occasionally. I think it's weird that someone can be such a big part of your life and then you are expected to cut them off. Adults of the opposite sex can just be friends

AWOL66 · 11/02/2023 17:20

This raises the aged old Mumsnet debate can women and men just be friends?! My view is NO unless in a group setting. This contact from a married man 🥴would make me feel very content that I'd made the right decision the first time round by losing touch with him as he sounds like a mug!

amonsteronthehill · 11/02/2023 17:21

If one of my exes came through, I would happily have a catch up, and have done in the past. I really don't get all the angst. I'm happily married; my exes are as well. We're all grown ups and not looking to sneak around behind anyone's backs.

StripeyDeckchair · 11/02/2023 17:23

No

I'd leave the past firmly in the past

Choconut · 11/02/2023 17:24

I'd meet him and then ask him then if he's married. It's perfectly possible to meet up with someone and not sleep with them even if they want to. You're doing nothing wrong by meeting for a coffee so if you fancy a catch up then why not. I sure you have enough self control and boundaries to manage not to fall into bed with him.

LlynTegid · 11/02/2023 17:25

If there was someone he knew that you were curious to know how they are and what they have done (example might be his sister if he had one, or parents), then maybe meeting once. Though I'd be cautious otherwise.

BatshitBanshee · 11/02/2023 17:25

Christ a lot of pearl clutching and assumptions here. It could be a platonic catch up or he could have other ideas - either way OP still has autonomy on what to do for godsake.

I'd meet him. See what's up. See if he fancies suffering being dumped twice if he's still married and you're not interested. Onus isn't on the OP to ensure the sanctity of another person's marriage.

SisterAgatha · 11/02/2023 17:27

I’d go. Meet my ex every ten years or so. Reaffirms for both of us we made the right decision. He looks terrible and I’ve aged beautifully, won’t lie, this does give me more incentive to go hahahhahaha.

go and it’ll honestly make you wonder what you ever saw in him and he’ll feel the same

Rinkydinkydoodle · 11/02/2023 17:32

@AR77

you didn’t say if you’re a novelist or not but this is surely the kind of ostensibly pointless encounter fiction writers love. YMMV but I’d be well up for meeting someone I once loved that I hadn’t seen in a quarter of a century, to see what I felt and noticed, if nothing more. If he’s looking to tell you how well he’s done and how lovely his CLAIRE is, cheap price to pay for some thoughts and feeelings. Just don’t start a clandestine bunk up and hatch a plan to murder his wife and you’ll be golden🤩

Spanielsarepainless · 11/02/2023 17:33

I'd go. I don't think my first serious boyfriend has ever married (this was forty plus years ago) but I would still be interested in seeing him.

JaneAustensHeroine · 11/02/2023 17:36

I’ve met up with two ex boyfriends before and it was lovely. Nothing untoward happened. We simply caught up on each others’ lives. One apologised for the way he had treated me (he had done nothing wrong so I was able to say that to him and reassure him). It was nice to reminisce about the past…friendships and family. In this world where people are often transient in our lives I enjoyed it. And I felt sure I had enough self-control to resist them making a pass which they didn’t.

MavisMcMinty · 11/02/2023 17:39

I’d go. I’m still friends with one of my exes, and there’s only one ex I’d never want to clap eyes on again, the lying thieving get, but a couple of the more gorgeous sexy ones I’d love to meet up with again, even if just to see I’d worn better than they had.

OldFan · 11/02/2023 17:39

No, not if he's married. The cheeky thing!

Meeting a married ex is inherently risky. Even if it doesn't lead to anything the first meet, it might eventually. Avoid the near occasions of sin.

PurplePansy05 · 11/02/2023 17:40

Ask him if his wife is comfortable with him messaging you.

Lazyi · 11/02/2023 17:40

Of course you go!!! How exciting!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/02/2023 17:43

Oh grow up. He's after a sneaky shag on the side.

larkstar · 11/02/2023 17:45

AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:12

I might feel differently if I knew he wasn't married. But I don't... and 'Are you still married?'' doesn't sound right over an email and could be construed in different ways.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not thinking it's a good idea.

I think you need to be this direct to send him a signal that you are confident and send sorted enough to know how to look after your own interests and this is what you have to do. Ask him if he's married and if his wife knows our will be happy with this. Just make it clear, take control from the outset, that you are happy to see him given the right intentions otherwise no. Be direct. If you aren't, naturally, try it - it's easier than you think.

1forward2back · 11/02/2023 17:45

Can’t you find out for sure if he’s married first?
this happened to me - except we had been childhood sweethearts and dated until I was 18. I met him ten years ago - I was 30. We ended up definitely flirting and he suggested getting a hotel. He was married and I was with someone so I said no and have avoided him since, though we still occasionally text. Love never goes away, and lust even more so!!

Eas1lyd1stracted · 11/02/2023 17:45

Could you invite his wife? You could say that you heard he was married and that if you got the information correct it would be lovely to meet her. Which puts a boundary in place if he's married and sniffing around for the wrong reasons.

And let's him tell you he's divorced or separated if he is.

Of course he might tell you he's separated when he's not bet gives you an idea of his intentions

larkstar · 11/02/2023 17:45

Send sorted! = Self assured!

winterbegone · 11/02/2023 17:49

I wouldn't, think if you were a wife would you want your husband meeting his first love? most wouldn't.