Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to meet 25 years later

143 replies

AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:41

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/02/2023 17:51

RosaBonheur · 11/02/2023 17:03

Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

I wouldn't think twice about going for a coffee with my first love.

I would be perfectly capable of saying, "no thanks, not looking to play away" if it turned out that was what he wanted.

If you are looking to stray, contacting an ex you haven't seen for 25 years is a pretty odd way of doing it.

This is what I thought - it’s 25 years and not the easiest way to get laid.

If he was nice then I’d definitely have a coffee.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 17:57

Yes, but if I met him and then found out I still had feelings for him or him me, that would just be making drama. And if I met him and still had feelings for him and was all, 'Oh I'm so happily married,' It's me who ends up feeling a bit hurt?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 11/02/2023 17:58

AWOL66 · 11/02/2023 17:20

This raises the aged old Mumsnet debate can women and men just be friends?! My view is NO unless in a group setting. This contact from a married man 🥴would make me feel very content that I'd made the right decision the first time round by losing touch with him as he sounds like a mug!

I have a lot of male friends. DH has female friends. Neither of us has ever had one of these friends turn into something else. I hate group situations with friends and would generally choose to see a friend one on one.
And how does avoiding the sex you are attracted to work for lesbians, or gay men, are they not supposed to have any friends of the same sex ?

Bimblybomeyelash · 11/02/2023 18:03

I’d say no. But mostly because I last saw my ‘first love’ more than half my life time ago. We were together for 4 years, but it was so long ago. We are strangers now and it would feel weird to meet up.

Sandra1984 · 11/02/2023 18:04

I have a couple of ex's I'm good friends with, they are married, there's no sex chemistry and no ill intentions in either sides, we're just friends with many things in common. I would give this man the benefit of the doubt and meet him, you have nothing to loose. The worst thing that can happen is you have nothing in common and decide you're not interested in being friends.

Celinia · 11/02/2023 18:08

Difficult one because curiosity and 1 cup of coffee can’t do any harm…. On balance I don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s contacted you because of your book. If he’s bored, antagonistic or at the end of his marriage then it muddies the waters.

MaybeSmaller · 11/02/2023 18:20

I'd be interested to know the means by which he "got in touch" after 25 years, if you two have had literally no contact in all that time? How did he find you?

If you have nothing to gain from this then I would steer well clear.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 18:26

He could get in touch with me because when I wrote the book, I set up a business email account which was public. He contacted me on that. It was the say I withdrew the book and was wrapping things up that I got his message.

OP posts:
Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 18:30

Are you not kinda overthinking this? Maybe he just genuinely wants to have coffee catch up no hard feelings blah blah

HunterCarrie · 11/02/2023 18:31

Am I the only one who keeps in touch with some ex’s and don’t see a problem with that…we go on holidays together with the kids or just meet up for a drink or dinner. In a group or one to one. Nobody is hitting on anyone, we liked each other’s in the past and still do.

MysteryBelle · 11/02/2023 18:33

Haven’t read whole thread but I’d meet him only if he wasn’t married.

You could message him ‘Good to hear from you. How are you and your wife doing these days?‘

That will give you your answer.

Chickoletta · 11/02/2023 18:33

Some very cynical people on here! I am happily married but in touch with my first BF. Will see him at a reunion event later this year and am really looking forward to it. We were great friends before we were together and he is a link to that time in my life.

In your shoes, I would go for coffee. If he tries something on, you say know. The only reason not to would be if you think you would find it hard to resist his possible advances.

Chickoletta · 11/02/2023 18:34

Oh for an edit button. You say NO. Not know.

WickedStepmomNOT · 11/02/2023 18:42

AR77 · 11/02/2023 17:57

Yes, but if I met him and then found out I still had feelings for him or him me, that would just be making drama. And if I met him and still had feelings for him and was all, 'Oh I'm so happily married,' It's me who ends up feeling a bit hurt?

This is very Mills & Boonish!

Tabitha1960 · 11/02/2023 18:46

Similar thing happened to me. First man I lived with, we met when I was 15 and lived together from when I was 17 until I was 21. I then left him for "pastures new."

30 years later memories of me popped into his head one day and on a whim he searched for me online and emailed me from my business website.

He came to my town and we went out for a long, long, chatty lunch then sat in a pub chatting till dinner time. It was wonderful going over all the memories. He was able to fill in lots of gaps in my memory and vice-versa, and we were able to catch up on all the major life events and milestones since we had last been in touch. He was married with 3 grown up kids and I was still a spinster.

At the end he pecked me on the cheek and gave me a brotherly hug.

I'm so glad he got in touch.

SammyScrounge · 11/02/2023 18:48

Stay well clear whether he's married or single..People start thinking of people they had feelings for a quarter of a century ago when life, marriage or career have gone belly up. They start to cling to the "perfect 'romance' they had once. It's totally unrealistic and won't end well.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 18:48

Totally overthinking it, but hard not to think back to a different world.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/02/2023 18:50

I met up with my ex from about 25 years ago in the autumn. I was in his area on work and sent him a message to see if he fancied a coffee. We had a coffee for an hour and then went about our separate days. No-one hit on anyone else. Just because we fancied each other 25 years ago doesn't mean we are incapable of self-control now. It was good to catch up and we agreed it would be nice to meet up sometime again in the vague future. I guess if you still have strong feelings for him then it isn't a good idea, but if not, then I don't see the problem.

carben · 11/02/2023 18:55

Yes, do it. Life's too short. You always have choices. It will gnaw at you if you don't.

Andonemoretime · 11/02/2023 18:56

Chickoletta · 11/02/2023 18:33

Some very cynical people on here! I am happily married but in touch with my first BF. Will see him at a reunion event later this year and am really looking forward to it. We were great friends before we were together and he is a link to that time in my life.

In your shoes, I would go for coffee. If he tries something on, you say know. The only reason not to would be if you think you would find it hard to resist his possible advances.

I agree with you!
I see my first BF every time I return to my home city and I love meeting him to catch up. Sometimes our other friends from that time join us too. We talk about our families, the hobby we share and speak fondly about the old times. We are both in long happy marriages and our meetings are the kind that old friends have.
I find it so odd that so many posters think that this guy wants anything other than a coffee with someone he remembers fondly?! Why wouldn't you want to meet and why on earth would people immediately assume that after 20 years he's motive is a shag? Geez.

Honeyroar · 11/02/2023 18:56

I’d go. I’m happily married, but I’d definitely contact an ex to say hello if they appeared on Facebook or something. Doesn’t mean I still fancy them, they’re just a part of my history. I wouldn’t be bothered if my husband did either. You’re meeting him for a coffee and a catch up, not a hook up. Just to see how he is and what he’s up to. No pressure, just meeting an old friend. If you go and then discover he’s married you ask him about her, learn a bit about her/them. If you discover he’s single and you think there’s chemistry and you’re brave enough to go there, you cross that bridge. If you discover he’s married and he seems to want to hook up you tell him he’s a slimeball and leave.

andyindurham · 11/02/2023 18:57

This happened to my mother. Got a letter, completely out of the blue, from an ex from her uni days. This must have been 30+ years after graduating and marrying my dad (they were married for 45 years until her death). She decided to go and meet him for coffee, told my dad what was happening. He trusted her to handle things for herself and took a back seat. Mum came back, reckoned that ex had sold out his principles and ditched everything that made him attractive back in the day and life went on as normal.

More recently, I bumped into someone I'm sure I dated in my teens. Don't think she recognized me, and I wasn't 100% certain it was her, but 95% sure. Thought about stopping and asking, decided not to. I'm married, and wouldn't want to upset my wife by meeting some random ex for coffee. Plus, we didn't get on all that well, so it wouldn't really rekindle a meaningful platonic friendship. I couldn't see any advantage in renewing the acquaintance (plus I might have been going up to some woman who had no idea who I was and asking if we'd dated 20 years ago, which would have been awkward!).

Bottom line, you know what feels right for you, and you'll decide based on that instinct.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2023 18:57

If you were looking at this with just plain old curiosity to see how his life has turned out, then I'd say go ahead. But I wouldn't do it in your situation. Seems to me that this has raised all sorts of 'feelings' and possible 'hopes' in you that are making you emotionally vulnerable. Whether he's married or not, you could end up being very hurt if he's single or in a disastrous situation if he's married and a cheater.

Youdoyoubabe · 11/02/2023 18:57

Hahaha yeah I totally would go.

Cocobutt · 11/02/2023 18:59

I wrote a book. (A very unsuccessful one in terms of sales).

Absolutely not!
He obviously only wants to meet because he thinks he can sponge off you in some way.