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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants to meet 25 years later

143 replies

AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:41

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

OP posts:

Newmum0322 · 11/02/2023 19:01

AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:12

I might feel differently if I knew he wasn't married. But I don't... and 'Are you still married?'' doesn't sound right over an email and could be construed in different ways.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not thinking it's a good idea.

I think it doesn’t sound right to you because there’s every chance he’s not interested in rekindling anything and you could be jumping to conclusions. He may really just be interested in catching up.

If you’re resolute in knowing that you will not rekindle anything with a married man, then where’s the harm? You could:

go for lunch, catch up as old friends and go home;
Find out he is married and after a fling, then you leave; or
you find out he’s divorced and you live happily ever after…

Honestly, I don’t see the harm in going

Original poster

AR77 · 11/02/2023 19:05

I think they use the word 'triggered' these days. Haha. I think you are right. Thank you.

OP posts:

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 11/02/2023 19:13

I'd reply that although it'd be nice to meet for a coffee you wouldn't want to upset his wife, and politely decline the invite. If on the off chance he isn't with her anymore you can then decide whether to go, not with the intention of jumping on him of course! It just means you don't have to worry about an upset wife somewhere thinking her husband is carrying on with his first gf.

nofluffsgiven · 11/02/2023 19:14

AR77 · 11/02/2023 18:26

He could get in touch with me because when I wrote the book, I set up a business email account which was public. He contacted me on that. It was the say I withdrew the book and was wrapping things up that I got his message.

I think you should just straight up ask him his intentions for getting in touch? What have you got to lose?

Sugarfree23 · 11/02/2023 19:14

Op it's a coffee it's not a life long commitment or a shag.

Brokendaughter · 11/02/2023 19:15

I'd go just because I'd spend way too much time wondering what their motive was if I didn't.

Maybe he (or his wife/kid/brother/next door neighbours cat sitter) has written a book & he is hoping to get a rec for an agent, or for you to read it.

Maybe he saw your name, emailed on impulse & it's nothing.

Maybe it will be drama you can walk away from then use in another book somewhere down the line, or as a funny story at dinner parties.

As long as he doesn't have your home address & you are meeting in a public place I think you should satisfy your curiosity.

If he's married & looking to mess about with you, you can turn him down & be really glad you dumped him, showing you were a great judge of character all those years ago.

If he's just taking a trip down memory lane with no funny business involved, where is the harm?

Soakitup37 · 11/02/2023 19:17

AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:59

Should I just ask him outright if he's still married?

Easy! Play dumb.

how’s life treating you, I think I heard you got married/ how has life been your end, any kids or marriage? / my last relationship was xyz, so didn’t quite get a ring on it; wab? Did you make it down the wedding/marriage route?

i think if he can be honest at that point I’d defo meet if it was stirring feelings,

I actually did the same with my first boyf, was a whirlwind romance the second time around :)

PollyAmour · 11/02/2023 19:17

Personally, I'd meet for a coffee and a catch up, but during the chat, establish whether he is still married, and if it appears he's after a shag for old times sake, then tell him to jog on.

Original poster

AR77 · 11/02/2023 19:20

Yes, you are right. It isn't because I think he wants a shag - not his style, but it has caught me off guard a bit. The emotions aren't about having shag etc... It's brought back a lot of other memories. It's hard to explain.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 11/02/2023 19:25

AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:41

How do you word that? Haha.

You're an author, surely words are your thing.
He's not stalked you or sought you out, he's just stumbled upon your work and messaged. You haven't said too much about your correspondence but sounds like a normal chat followed by a subtext of Let's just meet up for a proper chat instead of texting. It'd be great to meet up.
If I wanted to meet up l would, even just out of curiosity. Go for a 'neutral coffee'. If he's in a relationship lm sure it will come up in the conversation.
lf he is in a relationship and you fancy him, no 2nd meet up.
If he is and you think he fancies you, no 2nd meet up
If he's single and you fancy him meet up again.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 11/02/2023 19:29

My ex got in touch during 2020 so we had a catch up over messaging. It was weird but I was very open with dh. He wasn’t a bad guy so I was fine with finding out what he’s up to. Turns out he’s working in the same hotel he was age 17 in the same job (We’re now 40) and rents a room in a house. He has a son but limited visits and he’s an anti vaxx covid denier. I was helping run one of the first vaccine clinics at the time. So, yeah, it was fascinating but I’ve since blocked him.

if my actual first love got in touch I'd ignore from the get go but he’s an abusive twat.

AWOL66 · 11/02/2023 19:47

SirVixofVixHall · 11/02/2023 17:58

I have a lot of male friends. DH has female friends. Neither of us has ever had one of these friends turn into something else. I hate group situations with friends and would generally choose to see a friend one on one.
And how does avoiding the sex you are attracted to work for lesbians, or gay men, are they not supposed to have any friends of the same sex ?

Show quote history

I find the debate interesting and there's tons of threads this has come up on.

By the way I don't think I'm an expert but I think women often can wrongly think a man wants to be a friend and thinks he knows he is only ever going to be a friend but in reality most men aren't thinking this and are hoping the woman will come round to the idea of going out with them or sleeping with them. Especially with exes.

I know humans don't fancie everyone they meet and if they do fancie someone they don't necessarily want to rip their clothes off - they might be thinking in a romantic way.
But...in my opinion most (I grant not all) men I know wouldn't meet up with a woman one on one unless they fancie them and are hoping something romantic or sexual will come out of it. I have heard of this happening don't get me wrong but most men just wouldn't bother not cause they are sex obsessed cavemen who don't appreciate good company but cause they usually have non complicated male friends and a wife to hang out with so don't bother and as there's a risk of the woman or their wife misunderstanding. Men are wired simply.

This is what I mean by group settings: loads of couples meet up together or mixed groups formed say at uni hang out or people socialise in sports clubs etc and that's completely different. I don't mean people can't control themselves it's just too complicated to bother.

I know a lot of people will have had different experiences and will disagree with me..but don't say I didn't warn you how many people think! ☺️

familyissues12345 · 11/02/2023 19:49

I wouldn't. My ex from my late teens got in touch last year, after 25 years, I contemplated it for a short time until he turned a bit sleazy and it became obvious what he was after.

There's a reason you split up, remember that...

Jellykat · 11/02/2023 19:55

I'd go out of interest, just because he may have a shag in mind, doesnt mean you have to do it!
However, he could be happily married and just want to meet for a coffee and catch up..

NoodleC · 11/02/2023 20:04

I would message back and say would love to catch up for a coffee and would love to meet your wife too. He will either reply oh i am no longer married, he will also get the hint you see him as off limits. Base your decision on how he replies.

Sandra1984 · 11/02/2023 20:07

1st ex that contacted me: Was married with a child, met for a drink, we shared lots in common, he's in a good marriage, shared some memories, updates on our life, our common friends etc... No sexual chemistry whatsoever, has turned into a friendship. All good by me. I have a new friend no and zero intentions to take it a step forward. His wife is awesome and doesn't feel threatened by me the slightest (which is great because she has no reasons). they have a solid marriage and I'm very happy for him. Great guy.

2nd ex that contacted me: He's miserable in his marriage, was looking for a shag. Bye bye Felicia. never contacted him again.

OP: If you don't meet him you'll never know if meeting him was a good or bad idea.

Phatgurlslym · 11/02/2023 20:07

Just ask him how his wife is.

I would meet up with him whether he was married or not. But I'm nosey too - like an earlier poster.

Do you still write? If so, aren't you curious? Writers usually say yes to most experiences as it's good for their work.

Densol57 · 11/02/2023 20:19

I had a party recently
I had 6 ex boyfriends there. None had been serious relationships
me and my current fella thought nothing of it
Not everything is sinister like those on MN would have you think

Wiluli · 11/02/2023 20:24

I was about to say hi for it until I saw he was married . Have you asked him about his relationship . My current partner also a ex from 22 years ago but in touch with me 3 years ago and it’s a similar story to yours but although I did not know he had been divorced for 5 years .
I think in your shoes I would be very upfront and ask him if he is still married

Companyofwolves · 11/02/2023 20:49

OP it sounds like you’d like him not to be married because you’re remembering things & emotions are being unlocked & you also want to assuage your guilt. You are also single & maybe a little vulnerable? I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s just that you describe the situation as him having all the power - when you say you’re worried you’ll end up feeling hurt /looking stupid / if he says he is married.

Has the contact to date been in any way flirtatious? Have you been feeling excited or giddy or a bit scared/anticipation?

I do think as adults meeting is not going to mean some awful thing. Unless of course you’ve seen photos of him now & you still find him attractive & would be open to something if he was single too?

Just emotionally protect yourself & you can be in control. If you do feel attracted again & if there are flirtatious undercurrents you really need to know if he’s married still - more to protect you emotionally so that you won’t be in a position of feeling let down or hurt in any way by someone who may not be available but prepared to go down memory lane for their own interests & not be so considerate of yours.

Asking if someone’s still married is perfectly normal adult conversation surely?? As is enquiring about kids, where you live now etc etc. Are you just scared of asking because it means you’ll know the answer & then will find ot harder to meet up when really, you actually really want to?

Does he know you’re single? Did he not ask these questions either? I think neither of you saying something pretty factual gives you your answer OP.

I think have another chat before meeting up & plan your emotional responses around that information. I would as a woman ask if his wife is aware you’re meeting & that you hope she knows as you know you wouldn’t like your husband to be meeting up with an old flame behind your back. I agree with a PP saying you’d love to meet her too if you decide to remain in contact.

Unless of course you really don’t because you’d really like him to be single.

Obviously this is all just what vibes your posts are giving (to me) forgive me if I’m wrong!

Sandra1984 · 11/02/2023 20:58

Op, you're going to be meeting a guy who is probably bald and with a pot belly telling you some pretty boring stuff while you probably tell yourself "What the hell was I thinking?". Seriously... stop overthinking it.

airfryerandelectricblanket · 11/02/2023 21:12

Send him a light hearted message back saying something like "how will your wife feel about us meeting up?🙂"?

Then gauge his response!

Shitfather · 11/02/2023 21:17

Have you Googled the shit out of him?

I have been contacted by an ex who is in a miserable marriage. Wants to meet up before he leaves the UK for good. I moved on emotionally from him, but he hasn’t from me. I have told him that, as he’s married, I’m not interested in meeting up as I don’t wish to do that to his wife.

In your case, I’d ask about his life and then decide. People evolve so much and are often a disappointment some years later. I’d sure as hell be curious though! Update us.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2023 21:17

God no, he’s just doing some weird scoping out the one that got away thing.

Don’t even entertain it, why would you lay yourself out as his entertainment.

PawsAndReflection · 11/02/2023 21:27

Tricky

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