Ex wants to meet 25 years later

[AR77]

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

@AR77

Not a chance. Leave well alone. Leave the past where it belongs. Nothing is EVER the same when it's dragged up decades later. Stop trying to re-live your youth and the heady days of freedom, and youth, and travel, and partying and holidaying with your mates, and not having a care in the world.

What you are feeling is called Hiraeth...

Hiraeth - is a Welsh word that The University of Wales, likens to a homesickness tinged with grief and sadness over the lost and distant past, and departed people. It is a mixture of longing, yearning, nostalgia, wistfulness or an earnest desire for the past that they can never go back to.

You can not relive the past. Fact. This will end in tears. As pps have said, he is in a stale marriage and is after a shag.

I had an ex from my teenage years who used to pop up out of the woodwork every few years for a catch up. Absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever. Haven't heard from him for quite a while now, but the last time I saw him he came round to mine and sat in my kitchen with DH and me drinking coffee and talking about all our yesterdays. He is of those people who likes to keep in touch with everyone so it was quite interesting to talk to him about mutual old friends and what they were all up to. He probably visits other people and talks about me too! I think it is relevant that we are both happily married to other people and don't remotely fancy each other any more.

I have written four books. Just wanted to say well done! Good luck on your journey. But if anyone of my exes came sniffing around then I would tell them where to go. X

I came back to the UK around 15 years ago and alone, bored and lonely I guess and with social media taking off big time, I looked and found a contact.

I did nothing for a long time, heck it was just information but eventually I asked someone via a message if XYZ person was still around and as these things do, I got a message back from XYZ.

A few catch up emails, a joke or two about the intervening years, about 20 years I think, then a couple more emails and then nothing.

Too much time, different lives now, we're old (relatively) and though I haven't aged fantastically, they have aged far worse and look far older and almost pensioner status.

Yes, I'm being vain but the heart stopping, attractive, sexy person from the last century was now just about (to me) attractive but slid off a cliff soon afterwards. They might equally say the same about me !

The past is best left buried. It dies a long time ago. Let it rest in peace.

I would love for my first love to get in contact with me… but not if he’s married. What would be the point really? Being friends would be awkward and I’m sure he wouldn’t tell his wife about you. I’d ignore him.(altho it would be tough for me)

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Companyofwolves .... nail on the head I think. I think him making contact has reminded me that I wish I'd done things differently and that things had have been different. Can't change the past though. I've decided to leave it alone. It's too emotionally risky - for now at least.

I wasn't expecting that though. How one email can take you so far back! I've definitely over-thought it, but better that than under-think it for once.

I wish I could go back and know what I know now.

Partly similar with me, now I have the knowledge I have, I wish I could go back in time and change the timeline or parallel universe, (depends on the mechanics of time travel)

Life is weird.

I had a similar thing in reverse. I fell so madly in love with a boy when I was 22. I'll call him X. He broke off with me and brokey heart. Eventually I married it did not work out and I divorced. A few years later I met someone else very happy together got engaged and about 4 days before I was going to get married X messaged me and asked to meet up. I could not think why he messaged me, I felt sick, it brought back feelings of heart brake, I did not even reply. I just did not want to reopen old feelings.

Leave the past in the past

@AR77

But what if he's single?

If you think you would like to see him again if he is single then ask the question. Don't miss out on something because you don't want to ask!

If you do go you might get a shock.

He could be harbouring resentment for 20 years and wants this opportunity to tell you to your face how mean he feels you treated him.

That had crossed my mind too JimHesnonWasAGenius.

That wouldn't be fun...

@AR77 it’s really hard. I do think timing, emotions & circumstance can play tricks on us. And being single (not for all) can amplify everything including regret, missed opportunities & self-reproach. I went through similar ish in as much as rejecting someone from the past who showed a renewed interest in me & then when I had finally come round to wanting to pursue things, he then rejected me! I spent a long time torturing myself for my own stupidity & what I felt at the time was my one true chance at happiness that I had just thrown away.
However at the time I was achingly single (all friends married, kids on the way) & generally feeling bad about myself.

Because I was feeling so much pressure to couple up & procreate & my dwindling clock felt like it was almost audibly ticking frantically just to torment me. It was hell. But I had ended things with this guy all those years back for a reason & again a second time. He wasn’t “the one” (do they even exist?!) & never really had been. So even though I regretted my decision I know I couldn’t have married or been long term compatible with him despite what my single & clock obsessed brain was telling me at the time.

Again prob not comparable to you but try not to be too hard on yourself about your past decisions. You prob will torment yourself with what ifs sliding doors style. But if he’s married & wants contact maybe he isn’t such a good egg after all?

I like other PP’s wouldn’t be able to decline meeting up without knowing if he is or isn’t single. Otherwise you could be missing out on an opportunity. But just be mindful of your feelings & vulnerabilities because even if he is - it might not be all plain sailing - who knows though?

Sound advice Companyofwolves.

Maybe I need a bit longer to overthink it some more. I'm in a very happy and 'boring' stage of life and this was not always the case. I was a little bit 'drama' in my younger years and have absolutely no desire to return to those days.

Yes - it's only a cup of coffee but to be honest, he'd need to upgrade it to a glass of wine at the very least.

Thanks for the thoughts.

For goodness sake ladies! I didn't know knicker elastic broke at the meer mention of first loves!!

Go for the coffee, unless you actually plan on shagging him on the table whilst everyone else is enjoying a scone I think you are safe!!

THEN you will find out if he is married and if not you can upgrade to wine later on - if he is then say it was lovely to catch up and leave it at that.

You are an adult woman, not a dog on heat 😆 I'm sure you can show some self restraint lol.

As much as I am with the SISTER POWER above and wouldn't touch a married man with a barge pole, I equally wouldn't do myself out of an opportunity for something with someone I don't know is married and have had a connection with!

Go and find out!! But yes - do it somewhere where your knickers are safely intact and alcohol isn't a risk factor in them falling down!

My dh is still in touch with his first girlfriend, not often but the occasional message, happy Christmas, birthday etc. he spoke to her recently when her father passed away. I don’t think everyone who speaks to a previous partner is looking for a shag!

that said it sounds like this might be a bit much for you and not necessarily about meeting him but just the past in general and if you’re in a good place now I’d swerve that x

I actually don't see the problem unless you still have feelings for him.I briefly met with an ex for a catch up at a gig we realised we were both going to.We both knew we were both married.It was really good to see him happy and us both grown up.But at no point before meeting did I think there were ulterior motives so trust your gut instinct.