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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to meet 25 years later

143 replies

AR77 · 11/02/2023 15:41

My 'first love' got in touch a few weeks back, very randomly. I was 20 at the time. I dumped him - I was too young. He was very good to me overall, and I'm the 'baddie' in the situation. He still is, as far as I am aware married. His making contact has head my head in a bit of a spin. I'm single, but think he's still married. Would you go for coffee? No idea what the motives are.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 11/02/2023 16:41

I'd go for coffee but then I am nosey. If he was to try anything, you decline and move on. If nice it can be a nice catch up with someone from the past and then move on.

Testina · 11/02/2023 16:41

You still feel guilty for dumping him 25 years ago? When you were barely an adult?
Bloody hell, if you haven’t managed to put that to bed in all this time you definitely don’t have the emotional maturity around him to be meeting up!

BIWI · 11/02/2023 16:42

I think it's really sad how many people are saying no, that he's only after a shag, etc. How do you/they know that?!

FWIW, I'm still in contact with three of my ex BFs. Two of whom I finished with. They're all in long-term relationships, and I've got to know one of their wives as well.

I don't see any of them very often - but it's lovely when I do. No matter who finished with who, it's nice to reminisce younger times.

And this:

Contacting someone from your past is what you do when you are unhappy with your current life.

... certainly isn't true in my/our case!

Obviously only you can decide what his intentions might be - but if you meet up with him in a very public place, what's wrong with that?

Hawkins003 · 11/02/2023 16:43

@AR77
If it was me and my ex then yes I would meet even though I know she's married, or at least if she says x to explain the marriage at the moment. Personally I'd prefer if she was single or divorcing but if it's just coffee then it's not anything other so to speak

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:43

Bugger off!

OP posts:
Devonhousehunter · 11/02/2023 16:43

I'd LOVE to meet my first love for a coffee.

We're both married but I want to tell him so many things 🤣 (good things. Things I know that he'll be chuffed about!)

His family took me in when my narc mum kicked me out very young. They taught me what family life was like and gave me stability. I wouldn't be the mum I am today without them and it pains me that we all lost touch when we inevitably grew up and apart.

😊

quandry1 · 11/02/2023 16:44

Hmmm, were you friends as well as ex's? If you were friends before being together and you meeting up with him wasn't as you were still pining for what might have been, then I think I'm more inclined to say meet up, could be fun 🤷🏼‍♀️ to catch up and find out what each other have been doing. I know I'd be perfectly happy to meet up with an ex who was in my area anyway (wouldn't go out my way to though) on the basis of being an old friend and just a coffee and catch up... (I'm happily married).

But only if you are sure you don't want a romantic relationship. If you do still have feelings for him, then no don't do it unless you know he's single and even then I probably wouldn't.

Scooby5kids · 11/02/2023 16:45

I'd only meet him if he's separated from his wife

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 11/02/2023 16:46

@AR77
So I would say something like
Hi
I’m actually super busy next week, maybe next time?
so what’s been happening with you? Last I heard you were married to x. How is she?

This leaves the door open if he is available.

Jotters · 11/02/2023 16:47

I think you should go. Not everyone's intention is to have an affair and it looks like that is his intention just don't meet him again.

Scooby5kids · 11/02/2023 16:48

Just tell him that it was nice to hear that he's well but after careful consideration you think it's better to keep things in the past and you're not interested in rekindling any kind of friendship or relationship. Wish him well and don't reply again

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:51

That's very good advice Fightingbackwithhappiness.

It's sort of stirred a pot now whether I go or not. I'm not going unless I know he's not married - and even then... Maybe all the memories are a bit overwhelming. I'd forgotten so much.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 11/02/2023 16:52

If he's not married definitely go x

Versailles2023 · 11/02/2023 16:53

Well done on writing a novel that’s an achievement in itself. To meet up or not to meet up? No idea 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:55

That is kind of you. Thank you.

OP posts:
Fightingbackwithhappiness · 11/02/2023 16:56

@AR77 Go with your instincts.
I agree you shouldn’t meet if he’s happily married as it will just cause trouble but if he’s not, it might be something worth pursuing. Even if it’s just friendship.

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 16:59

Should I just ask him outright if he's still married?

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 11/02/2023 16:59

I would.. no point beating about

Mangogogogo · 11/02/2023 16:59

Sorry that was in answer to should I ask him outright!

OvertiredandConfused · 11/02/2023 17:01

Maybe he is ready to meet up because his life is now settled and it feels like a long time. Not everyone wants to have an affair and I’m presuming you are more than capable of saying no, and walking away.

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 11/02/2023 17:01

@AR77 yes do it. And then tell us what he says!

Original poster
AR77 · 11/02/2023 17:02

Well I've made my polite apologies this time. If he asks again, I will ask him outright. Great advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 11/02/2023 17:03

Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

I wouldn't think twice about going for a coffee with my first love.

I would be perfectly capable of saying, "no thanks, not looking to play away" if it turned out that was what he wanted.

If you are looking to stray, contacting an ex you haven't seen for 25 years is a pretty odd way of doing it.

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 17:06

Fgs, it’s coffee! He’s not going to be bending you over the table in the middle of Starbucks!

Go for coffee, have a chat and catch up. If he’s married and you feel like he’s after a bit on the side end with “it’s been lovely to catch up, all the best for the future” and don’t give a second thought to seeing him again.

No one’s forcing you to book the nearest Travelodge for a ding dong - unless of course he’s single 🙈🙈

MidnightMeltdown · 11/02/2023 17:09

Go for it!

He's asking for a coffee, not sex!

I don't see why it matters whether he's married or not. It's always interesting to chat to people from your past and see how life has turned out for them.