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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only invited to long term partners sisters evening part of wedding

157 replies

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:06

Hi all

Fairly new to mumsnet!

Just for background I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we live separately as we are still very young (got together early teens) and we have both been invited to his half sisters wedding, however, I've only been asked to attend the evening part at 7pm

The wedding itself is located 4 hours round trip away from me and I have met and socialised with the bride and groom to be His entire family including his mums younger daughter and his brother who are not realated to the whole wedding (his mum and dad have had DC with new partners)

His other sisters are able to bring their partners despite being unmarried as they have DC together. Seems to me that I'm the only person who has not been included - AIBU?

Also we have never had any bad blood, seemed to get on well but not super close!

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 22:35

antipodeancanary · 10/02/2023 22:20

But you guys are not partners. In what way are you partners? You haven't made a legal or financial commitment to each other. You don't share a household or children. You haven't even made it clear via an engagement that you intend one day to be partners. You have been going on dates since you were children which may well be lovely, but it doesn't make you partners

To be clear, although we do not live with each other in our home I spend 4 days in the week at his family home (weekend at I work from home on Thursday &Wednesday) , we consider ourselves partners as we plan to spend our lives together and support each other as all loving couples do. Our main reason for the next taking the "next step" is due to working on our financial situation, which I deem to be the reality of the vast majority of young couples these days. With most things, it takes time. The only difference here is we've been together for a considerable amout of time, however, due to our age and demographic its not happening as quickly as we would like, so some comments are quite arbitrary!

As I've said, not my wedding, not my say!

Thanks for all the advice and feedback everyone, much appreciated 👍

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 10/02/2023 23:00

"we where engaged with a child on the way before 7years in."

DH and me- met '95...moved in together '96...married '98...first child born '99...

We didn't hang around! 😅

I still think OP INBU. 🙂

Save

Tandora · 10/02/2023 23:12

I’m going to go against the grain but I think YABU, you are not living together / not married and the fact that you are so young will play a role here as well. The other couples have kids, and if the kids are invited it’s really not possible not exclude one of the parents, so not comparable.
I wouldn’t go at all though giving how far it is. It’s a bit pointless to invite you just for the evening if you are travelling that far. Especially if your partner will be there for the rest of it. I’d just decline and not worry about it too much. There will be so many other family occasions and they’ll see with time how serious you guys are when you do get around to taking those next steps etc.

caringcarer · 10/02/2023 23:52

They are operating the no ring no bring policy. I'd not be happy either OP. As it's 4 hours away I'd decline invite. 4 hours is rediculous just for evening do. I'd remember though if you eventually marry your partner I'd invite her to wedding but not her partner, invite him only to evening do. Then they'd know how you feel. Sounds like his family are trying to validate her mean behaviour. A dignified decline is best.

aonbharr · 11/02/2023 01:48

Of course you don't go. You'd be an awful eejit to go and so would he actually. If it is a large scale event as you said, why on earth would her sibling not get a plus one. So major disrespect to him. And the fact that she knows his plus one of 7 years and knows you personally, it shows a complete lack of respect, that will come back to bite. No way would I travel 4 hours to be an evening guest.

JudgeRudy · 11/02/2023 02:23

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:49

I really think this reasoning makes absolutely no sense....

The only reason we are not yet living with eachother is because we have just started our careers and we are saving towards a deposit for a house in the near future

I agree with @RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone
I think I would view your relationship very differently to someone who lives with their partner and has children together. Unless they have an unlimited budget they can't invite everyone. Depending on your BF rrelationshipwith the couple would influence too eg we're they brought up together, how close are they, how well do you both know them?

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 07:13

You still both have quite an immature relationship. Together 7 years, 23 years old yet you both do not live together...you hang at each other family homes.

Maybe this is why your BF sister did not invite you?

autienotnaughty · 11/02/2023 07:25

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:18

It's quite a large scale event from what my boyfriend has said, but I feel maybe because we aren't living together/engaged or have children together just yet a lot of his family may not consider our relationship to be as "serious" as others

Yes and perhaps because you are young (guessing early twenties) . It doesn't seem personal to you but it is indicative of how they view your relationship. It would be fine to say no if expensive/too much grief.

Butwhytho · 11/02/2023 07:32

YANBU. It’s rude to not invite you given the longevity of your relationship with your boyfriend and by association, that with his family.

Banoffeepie21 · 11/02/2023 07:36

There are some judgypants comments here. So what if the OP and her boyfriend are young and not living together. If they feel their relationship (of 7 years!) is serious that’s their prerogative.
The sister is rude not to invite the OP.

MelaniesFlowers · 11/02/2023 07:52

I think YABU as you’re not married but equally I think they shouldn’t be inviting other unmarried couples either.

ittakes2 · 11/02/2023 08:24

I think the important bit is how does your partner feel about this. Mine would be saying he will join you in your evening only invite and only come for that bit.

Murdoch1949 · 11/02/2023 09:05

The couple are being unkind to you, and your bf. You've been together longer than some marriages fgs. Of course you should be invited to the whole wedding, especially when it is such a schlepp away, it's plain rude. I agree with your friends that you should not go, it's kind of you to encourage your bf to still attend. Book yourself a spa day with your bestie & wallow in champagne.

Kitkatcatflap · 11/02/2023 09:13

Don't go. Decline politely, you don't have to give a reason (they haven't given a reason for not inviting you for the whole day). Let your boyfriend have a catch up with his extended family and make your own plans for that day.

PhoneyM · 11/02/2023 09:16

Justforafewminutes · 10/02/2023 20:43

I see no need to make any drama, stick to the facts.

Conversation should be " Your wedding sounds fantastic, but I can't make Notsuregirl123 sit in the hotel room whilst I'm at the wedding on my tod; we've been together 7 years and I'd feel really bad for her. We are both really happy for you, but you are obviously having to watch numbers - that's not a problem- so we'll celebrate with you when you're back"

perfectly put

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/02/2023 09:38

MelaniesFlowers · 11/02/2023 07:52

I think YABU as you’re not married but equally I think they shouldn’t be inviting other unmarried couples either.

Why must they be married? They've been together7 years, probably longer than some couples who are married.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/02/2023 09:44

Banoffeepie21 · 11/02/2023 07:36

There are some judgypants comments here. So what if the OP and her boyfriend are young and not living together. If they feel their relationship (of 7 years!) is serious that’s their prerogative.
The sister is rude not to invite the OP.

It's not "judgment" or personal.

In traditional etiquette, people unmarried are not considered a social unit that must be invited together.

Eskarina1 · 11/02/2023 09:55

It's rude to invite anyone who has to travel 4 hours to the evening part of your wedding.

However, she isn't particularly important to you, whereas your boyfriend and potentially other members of his family are. So I wouldn't let her rudeness become a big thing. Your boyfriend will have a much better time if you're there in the evening. So I'd go with him, plan something to entertain myself in the hotel room (or drive out) and be there in the evening.

SerafinasGoose · 11/02/2023 10:59

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:18

It's quite a large scale event from what my boyfriend has said, but I feel maybe because we aren't living together/engaged or have children together just yet a lot of his family may not consider our relationship to be as "serious" as others

It sounds to me as though this is probably based on the currently popular but twee, dated policy of 'no ring, no bring'.

If your relationship is otherwise okay, I doubt it's personal. But IME, weddings at present seem to be a constant excuse for appallingly rude behaviour from numerous quarters. If this had been a small-scale wedding, that I could have understood. However, given the size of this event, issuing evening-only invitations to siblings' partners does seem rather insulting.

As Mumsnet is fond of saying 'their day, their choice', but it's equally your choice as to whether or not you accept the invitation. If it's going to cause inconvenience and a lot of expense for little return, I would consider it more than reasonable to decline.

If this is likely to cause fractures within the family relationships, then this, again, is their choice. Don't take responsibility upon yourself for others' behaviour.

Catapultaway · 11/02/2023 11:06

Totally missing the point... But I much prefer an evening invite only. Let's face it the wedding bit etc is the boring part anyway.
Book a spa, a massage, a hair appointment, chill out for the day and then enjoy the evening bit.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 11/02/2023 11:52

xogossipgirlxo · 10/02/2023 21:07

I would speak to your partner about it. Maybe it's time for him to stand up. I was with my fiance (now husband) for 8 years and his sister kept ignoring me even when it came to family events. She only asked if he's coming etc., and on one occasion he said he won't come, because gossipgirl did not receive an invitation and it's time to accept that we're a couple and she never has a problem inviting his other brothers' girlfriends that seem more like few nights stand than serious partners. Needless to say she was invited to our wedding and my husband said it's the very last invitation she gets from us.

It sucks doesn't it?

I always wonder what sisters or families like that hope to achieve? Do they really want to make their family member pick you or them?

I know with DHs family that was the case. They're a big family, no one would ever be good enough for their brothers, in fact they caused so much upset to his other brother's wife they ended up divorced and now he's miserable.
One of his sisters is utterly vile, she makes it obvious she doesn't approve of me at all. She even told me once he could do better.

I just ignore them now. They came to our wedding and I felt triumphant that they'd not got their own way. We have very little if anything to do with them now and I don't miss them at all

They're literally toxic and it always must be remembered that we choose their family member as our partner, we don't choose them and I don't believe anyone who sidelines me should be tolerated for the good of my mental health and that of my DCs who pick up on things.

I just think they need to get a life, and stop trying to be controlling.

Pseudonamed · 11/02/2023 12:22

It is not nice to be invited to only the evening part especially as you are in a relationship so long. I would not be happy at all. Sorry they are being so rude to you.

Roussette · 11/02/2023 12:40

In traditional etiquette, people unmarried are not considered a social unit that must be invited together.

Eh?

That must exclude a third of MNers then! And my DDs who have DPs and mortgages but aren't married!

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/02/2023 12:42

You've been with him 7 years regardless of your age. I wouldn't be happy about that and would be seriously considering not going at all. Would probably mention feeling like second rate/poor relation if questioned about declining the invitation

heldup · 11/02/2023 15:39

JennyDarlingRIP · 10/02/2023 20:24

Honestly it's not what I would do, you've been together 7 years, type 23 saving to buy a house together, go on big family holidays together with the B&G , but you can't give other people manners. If it's a rural hotel in Scotland does it have a nice pool/spa if so I'd go have a lovely relaxing day to myself, take my time getting ready and go for the evening, simultaneously taking the moral high ground, is anyone asks where you were during the day, oh I was only invited for the evening part, sweet smile. No one can ever say you decided not to go, caused bad feeling etc (even though none of this is your fault in any way). These are your in laws for a long time if you see your relationship lasting which clearly you do. So might be worth playing the long game.

I agree with this.