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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only invited to long term partners sisters evening part of wedding

157 replies

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:06

Hi all

Fairly new to mumsnet!

Just for background I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we live separately as we are still very young (got together early teens) and we have both been invited to his half sisters wedding, however, I've only been asked to attend the evening part at 7pm

The wedding itself is located 4 hours round trip away from me and I have met and socialised with the bride and groom to be His entire family including his mums younger daughter and his brother who are not realated to the whole wedding (his mum and dad have had DC with new partners)

His other sisters are able to bring their partners despite being unmarried as they have DC together. Seems to me that I'm the only person who has not been included - AIBU?

Also we have never had any bad blood, seemed to get on well but not super close!

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Justforafewminutes · 10/02/2023 20:43

I see no need to make any drama, stick to the facts.

Conversation should be " Your wedding sounds fantastic, but I can't make Notsuregirl123 sit in the hotel room whilst I'm at the wedding on my tod; we've been together 7 years and I'd feel really bad for her. We are both really happy for you, but you are obviously having to watch numbers - that's not a problem- so we'll celebrate with you when you're back"

ReformedWaywardTeen · 10/02/2023 20:44

Take it as a hint OP.

I used to think I was treated differently because we had no children.

Then I had children and I still didn't get treated the same. One SIL got married and I'm not in any of the family photos, I'm in all of about 3 of them across the entire day and two are of me being blurred in the background. Considering my DD was bridesmaid and DS was a page boy, I don't think it was due to the length of relationship.

Knowledge is power though, be very non-commital and don't go at all, why should you bother with a 4 hour car ride for someone happy to treat you as a bottom tier member of the family?

OhmygodDont · 10/02/2023 20:48

Part of me thinks it’s fair in the sense that if after 7 years you’ve never lived together it isn’t actually that that serious more like friends with an added friends with benefits on the side tbh.

But then the me who met my now husband at 15 says wtf does your age matter but again we where engaged with a child on the way before 7years in.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/02/2023 20:50

7 years in the family and they treat you like flavour of the month!

I find that appalling and I wouldn't be travelling 4hrs for a quick spin on the dance floor at all.

You sound lovely OP and 7 years no matter what age is nothing to be sniffed at.

I do hope it is a mistake but if not I would let your partner make his own choice to go or not, if he wants to support you and the position in his life let him, it's good practice for when you get married.

GoChasingWaterfalls · 10/02/2023 20:51

I wouldn't bother going just for the evening do. But then I would be considered a bit of an oddball on Mumsnet because I had kids, random plus ones I'd never met, parents' friends etc at our wedding. I had a great time, so did all our guests. I don't get this modern obsession with soulless yet Instagram worthy weddings. I would much rather have a big party where everyone involved can enjoy themselves and feel comfortable!

Original poster
Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 20:53

Has it occurred to you that times have changed, particularly with the property ladder and even renting we are living in a cost of living crisis... its very difficult as someone in their early 20s to financially afford to move in together, having left university only 2 years ago.

I really don't understand why people ostracise young people in relationships due to not having the "picture perfect life" 😕

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 10/02/2023 20:57

I don't mean to sound harsh but I suspect they don't see you as a long term partner. You got together as teens so I suspect they think this is not a 'real' relationship.

SoShallINever · 10/02/2023 20:57

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/02/2023 19:24

It does sound a bit mean but honestly you are a long-term girlfriend not a partner as you don't share a household. Maybe that's why.

This.
Weddings are also massively expensive and they have to draw a line somewhere. It's not something I'd do to one of my guests but If I were you I'd try to be gracious and wouldn't make a scene. They probably still think of little bro as a schoolkid and you as his young girlfriend.

Actionstations · 10/02/2023 20:58

I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would not travel 4 hours for an evening out. I would politely decline the invite. They can't expect anybody to travel 4 hours there and 4 hours back for a few hours at a wedding disco after the main event.

IrishMamaMia · 10/02/2023 21:03

Posters who describe not going to the ridiculous afters invite as 'making a scene' are hilariously old-fashioned. Come back to 2023 y'all.

Boomboom22 · 10/02/2023 21:04

I'd think it fine if the wedding was somewhere accessible but if its rural Scotland plus you holiday with them every year for 6 years I've changed my mind. She's rude.

xogossipgirlxo · 10/02/2023 21:07

I would speak to your partner about it. Maybe it's time for him to stand up. I was with my fiance (now husband) for 8 years and his sister kept ignoring me even when it came to family events. She only asked if he's coming etc., and on one occasion he said he won't come, because gossipgirl did not receive an invitation and it's time to accept that we're a couple and she never has a problem inviting his other brothers' girlfriends that seem more like few nights stand than serious partners. Needless to say she was invited to our wedding and my husband said it's the very last invitation she gets from us.

Newmownhaw · 10/02/2023 21:08

They can't expect anybody to travel 4 hours there and 4 hours back for a few hours at a wedding disco after the main event.

OP said it was a four hour round trip, so two hours there and two back, I suppose.

It does seem to be a thoughtless invitation, it would make more sense to invite both partners for either the whole day or the evening.

RainLover · 10/02/2023 21:09

Hydie · 10/02/2023 19:49

Did you miss the part where they've been together 7 years? Judgemental much!

Show quote history

So rude! I’ve been with my (now DH) since we were 15. OP’s post resonates as we were dismissed as “not serious” based on age alone for years… 20 years on we’re happily married, can’t say the same for any of the judgey people.
Don’t go OP!

RainLover · 10/02/2023 21:10

Ah sorry!! Quoted the wrong person!

Hydie · 10/02/2023 21:15

RainLover · 10/02/2023 21:10

Ah sorry!! Quoted the wrong person!

Haha its OK dont worry x

latetothefisting · 10/02/2023 21:23

To be fair I would probably not consider a relationship where the couple isn't living together as committed as a couple who are living together and have kids-just because the second couple have more joint commitments. If you and partner broke up you could walk away that day and never have to see him again whereas his siblings would have to spend months sorting out their houses and still have a link through their kids for the rest of their lives.

Doesn't mean their relationship is "better" than yours and certainly doesn't justify them not inviting you to the full wedding - seems really unreasonable.

VestaTilley · 10/02/2023 21:35

Bit mean to invite you to an evening do four hours away! On that basis I’d decline.

Need more info though - maybe it’s a tiny wedding, maybe your partner doesn’t see her that often and maybe she thinks your relationship is quite casual. I wouldn’t get too offended, but I wouldn’t attend either.

piggijg · 10/02/2023 21:36

It's not 4 hours away. It's 2 hours away...

Esmer123 · 10/02/2023 21:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

samqueens · 10/02/2023 21:53

It’s a bit thoughtless, but I’d really try to not to take it personally. Weddings are a minefield and most couples have loads to juggle. I’d say living together is a public milestone and you’re just not there yet.

If your relationship is a lasting one, these people will be in your life for a long time. So treat them as you’d like to be treated, and rise above this - don’t assume it’s personal, it’s probably not. If your relationship doesn’t last this moment won’t be relevant when you move on.

If the hotel on offer is a nice one, I’d go up with my boyfriend, enjoy the facilities/take a long bath and have a bit of a pamper, then go and join the evening celebration with good grace. If you don’t feel able to do that then just decline and arrange something fun to do with friends that night.

BTW, if my partner was clueless as to why then I would probably expect him to investigate in a non confrontational way eg. “Im a bit disappointed, as I would have really liked it if Notsure could be there for the whole day - is that something that might be possible?” They might be happy to include you as rsvps come in and numbers shift. Or they might explain their reasoning to him. I would NOT expect or encourage him to get on his high horse about it.

Weddings can have complex dynamics for the couple, especially with blended families etc, and you might be completely unaware of what they’re dealing with. Try to be empathetic- it’ll serve you best in the end.

margueritedaisy · 10/02/2023 22:09

I'm with you OP. If they can't afford a meal for their siblings partner then they have booked somewhere to expensive. Absolutely awful. I would have my DP on the phone right now asking WTF? and depending on the answer WE would either go or not go. Terrible behaviour from them. I bet there's a friend or 2 plus a workmate on the list that she won't even remember the names of in a few years ( speaking from experience).

antipodeancanary · 10/02/2023 22:20

But you guys are not partners. In what way are you partners? You haven't made a legal or financial commitment to each other. You don't share a household or children. You haven't even made it clear via an engagement that you intend one day to be partners. You have been going on dates since you were children which may well be lovely, but it doesn't make you partners

StarDolphins · 10/02/2023 22:24

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 10/02/2023 19:46

If you are still only young and aren't living together, I wouldn't consider you a permanent fixture. My sister is wedding venue shopping at the mo, one she is contemplating is £130 a head, I wouldn't be inviting 20 year old girlfriends who probably won't be around in 3 months time. It'd be very different if you were living together and settled together but it sounds like you are still teen gf and bf. Will you even still be together by the time the wedding comes around?

They’ve been together 7 years, that’s seems quite a permanent fixture!

FlowerArranger · 10/02/2023 22:25

Depending on your partner's relationship with his sister, I'd suggest one or the other:

He rings her and asks "did you mean to leave 'Sophie/my partner' off the invitation to your wedding?"

Or you both, separately, 'politely decline' the invitation. And spend whatever you would have spent on her wedding present on a dirty weekend somewhere.