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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only invited to long term partners sisters evening part of wedding

157 replies

Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 19:06

Hi all

Fairly new to mumsnet!

Just for background I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we live separately as we are still very young (got together early teens) and we have both been invited to his half sisters wedding, however, I've only been asked to attend the evening part at 7pm

The wedding itself is located 4 hours round trip away from me and I have met and socialised with the bride and groom to be His entire family including his mums younger daughter and his brother who are not realated to the whole wedding (his mum and dad have had DC with new partners)

His other sisters are able to bring their partners despite being unmarried as they have DC together. Seems to me that I'm the only person who has not been included - AIBU?

Also we have never had any bad blood, seemed to get on well but not super close!

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
BadNomad · 10/02/2023 20:09

Yes, they're being rude. You need to decide, though, what the long-term implications of your future in this family will be if you don't go. Will they take it personally? Will they hold it against you? If you're very unlikely to spend much time with them in the future then I wouldn't care about offending them. But if they are a close family, and this causes awkwardness, then that will be hard for you and your relationship going forward.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 10/02/2023 20:10

I do think it’s thoughtless at best. They don’t seem to consider you a serious couple do they ? I would point out to your BF that as it’s such a long journey it’s impractical for you to travel separately and ask him what he thinks you would do during the while they’re all at the wedding. He needs to communicate that to his sister and her partner, and maybe point out that it’s going to be a bit shit for him without you there. He needs to have your back a bit more.

manicthursday · 10/02/2023 20:11

YANBU. A couple who have been together 7 years at 23 are more serious than most! And the added info about going on holiday together. Wow they are being so rude, or at best extremely thoughtless. I could understand having the "living together" or kids criteria for friends' plus ones to keep a lid on numbers and limit people the B&G dont know well or expect to be in their lives for long, but that should not apply to family. A sibling's long term partner of their entire adult life! So rude. Your partner must be really upset. He needs to say something.

LlynTegid · 10/02/2023 20:11

I will defend a couple deciding who comes to their wedding ceremony and evening do, it's their choice. Providing they accept that someone only invited to part of the day may well decline the invitation.

I think the OP should decline.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 10/02/2023 20:13

piggijg · 10/02/2023 19:29

Oh for heavens sake. You're young, don't live together and have no children together. Go to the evening do. It's a perfectly fine invite.

So what you’re saying is that his family don’t consider the relationship permanent despite them being together for seven years ? And that’s OK - just suck it up, despite being stuck hanging around all day while everyone else is at the wedding?

NewChange · 10/02/2023 20:14

You and BF could travel together for just the evening. He can politely sack off the boring ceremony.

spidereggs · 10/02/2023 20:15

Sil did same with me. We had actually been together a year longer than them but were way younger.

We are like sisters now, it's her biggest regret.

She just said with regret she thought DH would be better focusing on best man duties and me come later.

I had a nice chill day, no drama.

Went later, had a lovely time.

Wasn't worth falling out over, for me anyway.

FeedMeSantiago · 10/02/2023 20:16

I agree with PPs - don't go. It's a very long way to go for just an evening do. Especially when your partner is invited to the full thing and it isn't located somewhere like a city centre where you could spend the day at a museum or shopping or something.

I would encourage your partner to go though - if he doesn't it will likely cause family drama. He should say he was hurt you weren't invited and that he's the only sibling whose long term partner isn't invited to the full day though.

88milesanhour · 10/02/2023 20:17

They're entitled to only invite you to the evening, you're entitled to say you're not travelling all that way for that shit. I think politely saying you can't manage it logistically is the best way to stick 2 fingers up to them without giving them much reason for recourse since they had the option of inviting you to the whole thing

Cosyblankets · 10/02/2023 20:19

spidereggs · 10/02/2023 20:15

Sil did same with me. We had actually been together a year longer than them but were way younger.

We are like sisters now, it's her biggest regret.

She just said with regret she thought DH would be better focusing on best man duties and me come later.

I had a nice chill day, no drama.

Went later, had a lovely time.

Wasn't worth falling out over, for me anyway.

Was it a four hour round trip?

RosyappleA · 10/02/2023 20:19

NewChange · 10/02/2023 20:14

You and BF could travel together for just the evening. He can politely sack off the boring ceremony.

I agree with this too. In fact let him tell her you will be there together in the evening and see her reaction. If she then says no why won’t you come for the ceremony. He should say “I can hardly travel 4 hours away to leave my gf in a hotel room whilst i attend the first part of your wedding”.

spidereggs · 10/02/2023 20:20

@Cosyblankets very rural here, probably only three. In fairness

Roundabout78 · 10/02/2023 20:22

Whoa! You all holiday together each year? Yeah that changes things quite a bit.

JennyDarlingRIP · 10/02/2023 20:24

Honestly it's not what I would do, you've been together 7 years, type 23 saving to buy a house together, go on big family holidays together with the B&G , but you can't give other people manners. If it's a rural hotel in Scotland does it have a nice pool/spa if so I'd go have a lovely relaxing day to myself, take my time getting ready and go for the evening, simultaneously taking the moral high ground, is anyone asks where you were during the day, oh I was only invited for the evening part, sweet smile. No one can ever say you decided not to go, caused bad feeling etc (even though none of this is your fault in any way). These are your in laws for a long time if you see your relationship lasting which clearly you do. So might be worth playing the long game.

gogohmm · 10/02/2023 20:25

Plenty of people don't invite partners that aren't living together, it's fairly common for financial reasons. If the tables were turned and your boyfriend's sibling was posting they would be told it's fine not to invite non resident partners. You have to draw a line and that's a common one. It does seem mean to me and I certainly would invite all my DD's/dsd's boyfriends if we marry but I wouldn't pick a fancy venue that cost more than i can afford

Walkaround · 10/02/2023 20:26

Well, there is a logic to it, in that you neither live together nor have children together, so it is neither odd for you to travel independently of each other, nor logistically difficult, and therefore possible to separate your and his invitations in a way it is frankly impossible to do with the others. I therefore wouldn’t necessarily see it as being an indication that you are less liked than all the other halves, or viewed as not having a serious relationship. I might, however, see it as an indication that the bride and groom feel the bride has so many siblings, half siblings and step siblings whom they feel obliged to invite to the whole thing that they feel that their close friends are being squeezed out as a result, and your invite is a desperate attempt to enable at least one more genuinely close friend, whom they would frankly rather be there than all of their siblings’ other halves, to come to the whole thing. To not invite actual step-siblings to the whole thing might well cause considerably more discord than not inviting you, so you are the only invitee they have any control over, even if they actually resent so much space being taken up by relatives rather than their chosen friends!…

Original poster
Notsuregirl123 · 10/02/2023 20:27

Yes every year since 2017, so I was really shocked that I wouldn't be included.

Just to answer a question I saw earlier, my boyfriend isn't very close to said sister, they socialise as a family unit but he doesn't speak to her individually, as in he wouldn't randomly just give her a call. But all in all, we all see eachother frequently and go to other parties together.

Admittedly, his sister isn't my best friend and we don't talk outside of the family events and don't make a habit of seeing eachother alone without my boyfriend being present.

I've encouraged him to go but he still wants to ask his sister why I may not be invited to the whole ceremony, so I shall wait and see 🙂

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 10/02/2023 20:27

I think it’s cold. You may be young but you’ve been together a long time, they know you, you’re both saving for a house deposit…

The kicker is that some of the other partners are of less than a year. I’d feel singled out and would probably stomach it, but I’d be sad about it.

Thepossibility · 10/02/2023 20:29

Incredibly rude. My brother's partner of 7 years would be one of the first people I'd invite, surely!
I was more on the fence when you were young, I thought maybe 17.
But 23 you are an adult and a part of the family!

Shinyandnew1 · 10/02/2023 20:31

The wedding is based in a rural part of Scotland so there won't be much for me to do other than twiddle my thumbs in a hotel room until the reception.

To be honest-sitting in a nice hotel room
reading my book or wandering around rural Scotland for a couple of hours sounds lovely a lovely way to spend a day to me. You get the party and evening drinks without having to sit through the speeches! You do what you want to though-I can understand why you feel left out.

Shodan · 10/02/2023 20:33

Shockingly rude behaviour from his family.

However- I second/third a PP's suggestion. Both of you go for the evening do. Even better, if you can and there's enough to do, make a weekend of it and go out and about.

saraclara · 10/02/2023 20:37

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for your partner to check with his sister that this isn't a mistake, and to express his disappointment (and possibly protest) if it turns out that the exclusion is deliberate.

I'd wait to hear her response to that before you decide what to do, OP.

UnctuousUnicorns · 10/02/2023 20:38

FTR I had only been living with DH2B for a year at the time of his cousin's wedding, and we had only been together for two years total - far less time than the OP and her DP!

Gemstar2 · 10/02/2023 20:38

I think it’s fine to decline the invitation, I don’t think it’s fine to kick up a fuss about it. Doing so would make you look entitled and risks upsetting SIL. You would look like the one in the wrong, with the rest of the family potentially holding that against you in future. Yes, it seems strange you haven’t been invited - are numbers exceptionally tight? I’m not saying that makes it right, it’s understandable to be upset about it, but I’d try to give the benefit of the doubt and think there must be a reason for it. I’d be privately upset but publicly try to be the bigger person, like all your posts suggest you are planning to be!

If you politely decline with your head held high and they get upset that you’ve declined, that’s the point I’d explain calmly and reasonably that the logistics didn’t work and with the rest of the family all at the wedding, it would be a lot of travel for little time to join in, but I am very conflict-averse!

Wherever you decide for you, I think you’re very wise to leave your DB to decide for himself too…that way nobody can blame you if he, for example, decided to only go for the evening part with you.

Awrite · 10/02/2023 20:41

I don't think it's fine to invite anyone to the evening do who lives 2 hours away. How arrogant.

Add in that you and bf have been together for 7 years and I'd definitely see that as a snub.

I wouldn't go.